i am 16 years old, and i’ll be 17 soon. i dated my boyfriend, james, for 3 1/2 years, and i met him when i was 11. he was my best friend and my boyfriend, and his family felt like mine too. we had made so many plans together and it hurts like hell knowing i have to move on without him. this wasn’t some silly teen romance that wasn’t going to last either like many people thought. we were so mature and deeply in love and we had such a healthy relationship.
he passed away suddenly on march 6th, 2026. we were kind of long distance, he lived in a small town about 2 hours away and he was supposed to come visit me that day. his mom went to wake him up because it was odd that he wasn’t ready yet, since he was always so excited to see me, and he was just laying in bed and wasn’t breathing.
the worst part is that nobody understands what happened. the autopsy showed nothing, and further testing has shown absolutely nothing. i don’t even know how to process any of this. i think i’m still in shock, and it’s only just starting to wear off. i love him so much, and i miss him more than i can even explain.
i feel guilty because i’ve hardly even cried. it doesn’t feel real at all. it feels like one long, bad dream. every day is a blur, and i keep myself constantly occupied because if i’m alone, my thoughts start to overwhelm me. and honestly, nobody has really checked in on me except his family. the people in my life every day haven’t asked me about it once, and that really hurts.
i don’t even know where to start when it comes to moving forward, especially when i feel like i can’t even grieve properly. i think part of it is because i was so used to not seeing him for periods of time, so not seeing him now almost feels like he’ll still just show up at my door one day, even though i know that’s not true.
i don’t even know if any of this makes sense. i guess i’m just ranting because i honestly haven’t talked to anybody about it. i fill my days with working out, going to work, and then spending the rest of my time at my best friend’s house. i leave myself no time to be alone or to really think.
the reason i’m posting this is because i’m hoping to hear from people who’ve had similar experiences with grief, feeling like you’re not really sad, but not happy either. maybe it has something to do with the fact that i’m on antidepressants, or maybe not. i don’t know. it just all feels so unreal.