u/JapeneseBeefMan

Im fairly normal. I feel like a normal person now. Going back to sleep and going to do normal things all day today.

Cleaning. Vacuuming, normal watching tv. Normal conversation. Hey how are you? Im fine thanks how the early morning going? Good good its alright just been watering the grass yourself? Nothing too much im as lit as a match box.

Reddit asked me to post this here so im doing so i guess just following orders solider 🫡

Thanks man. Cya 👋 No problem see you too.

Im fairly normal. I feel like a normal person now. Going back to sleep and going to do normal things all day today.

Cleaning. Vacuuming, normal watching tv. Normal conversation. Hey how are you? Im fine thanks how the early morning going? Good good its alright just been watering the grass yourself? Nothing too much im as lit as a match box.

Thanks man. Cya 👋 No problem see you too

This brought the thought to fruition. I was in the shower talking to myself about random things and i keep getting thoughts of someone breaking into my house and waiting for me behind the shower curtain.

Sometimes I hear things and interpret them as someone breaking into my property. I jump out the shower realise no ones there then i’m okay again.

I sometimes also see things that aren’t there. Nothing crazy or anything that necessarily defies scientific explanation but I watched the movie Event Horizon recently that exacerbated this thought process. I realised there could be something in between the atoms and molecular structures of physical structures like air molecules and also meta cognitively like our own consciousness to justify insanity itself. Or the theory of chaos. Disproportional outcomes arising and extrapolated upon from small events.

It’s like i see the thoughts in my head one tries to logically reason the other says let’s divulge into pure chaos and horror. Ive had weird novel thoughts of eating someone to see what humans taste like. What would it be like to drive to my relatives house and shoot myself in the head with a shotgun.

Its not necessarily that someone is speaking to me i want to make that distinction, its a urge almost like a rationality of thought that says hey maybe you should give this a go and see what its like.

I cant explain it only picture it in my minds eye, chaos horror and stupor and frantic laughing and chaos and randomness being a bout of excitement and frenzied mania for no purpose or reason just laughing giggling and maniacal laughter and applause.

I’ve strictly kept anything about relationships out of this due to the rules and the community mainly being focused on the self. But there is also that element that has to be taken into consideration.

Something wrong is going on inside of my brain. I don’t know how to articulate it. But i think something has fundamentally broken inside of my head.

Over the course of 8 years I have struggled with bouts of depression throughout my teenage years and entering into college.

I struggled with on and off suicidal thoughts and thinking too deeply about life me and my environment. My mind races like an uncontrollable train sometimes — given I do have ADHD and by my fellow peers or people who have come to know me they see me as pretty smart or gifted. Intense overwhelming when i lock onto something i care deeply about and overly excitable when something stimulates me.

Non-linear as well, very non linear it makes it hard for others to follow my line of reasoning because as much as school tried to drill into me sequential step by step processing and explaining my workings out. I couldn’t and find linear compartmentalising of emotions logic normal life vs job and home life hard as everything intertwines as one thing.

So my job affects my life and my life affects my
job, my emotions affect my logic and logic affects my emotions and so on. I understand people have similar stuff going on and i haven’t explained the nuance properly but I’m trying to skim over this part as fast as possible as its simply background information to my posts main question. Apologies.

Equally, i’m not here to appease intellectual vanity or seek validation for others subjective interpretations of how my mind works. Im here to simply express a lived experience.

Maybe ADHD played a major factor in this along with my circumstances but when I was 16 was when i first tried to commit suicide because I grew up in care and had an uncommon un-relatable life to many. I did well in school to some extent I might never have had the best grades but i always had unique perspectives and answers most hadn’t thought of. But I was living in my own world in my head.

Leaves and twigs were spaceships and i was wrapped in a world i created for myself. Throwing mud around was my fantasy of war and battlefields being visually illustrated in front of me. I created my own world when the real world practically rejected me along with my parents. I lived in the abstract.

I ended up having police talk me down at 21 from jumping off a bridge when they drove past as i was contemplating jumping over the ledge on one night i couldn’t bear it anymore. That led to me becoming social sure i was very social always open minded trying new things new drugs meeting new people and never being socially awkward. I just inserted myself into situations (most probably for the novelty of new information and to learn new things even if that was just social cohesion and different people and cultures etc).

But i got to another breaking point lost in my head no one truly understanding me and my time at college coming to an end. Its a long story but most my PhD professors saw me as highly capable but difficult to understand or fit into a box as a reference point.

One of my professors during a mental breakdown got notified of my suicide attempt and called welfare offices to my dorm and police again. Every time people asked me whats going on i pointed to my head and said it’s my fucking mind i cant take it, it’s what i see. Its living inside of my own skull constantly talking to myself all day laughing at my own jokes i am encapsulated in my own mind.

Most people just said its me being me. Deep intense and scattered lost in my own head. To some extent it probably fuelled my disillusionment further and acted as confirmation bias.

If i cant understand myself then i will import others understanding of me to perceive my own perception to get comfort out of the truth.

(I will leave that part there as its context not necessarily the focal point of my post).

I’m going to leave some things out but fast forward 2 years after Ive left college, I work a decent office job, i am positioned well in my personal life to adjust if and when necessary encase anything comes up.

However, over the past year on and off I have developed only what i can describe as manic episodes. Flying thoughts delusions of random things and almost like i’m clutching onto sanity while i lose my grip and fall into a void of complete delusional chaos.

Nothing feels real, what is real is shallow. People have hidden motives incentives that you can deduce from how they speak there tone what they wear. How they adjust themselves to others. And this goes on and on. Nothing is no black magic box of sublimity.

The guy who calls you up about your mobile data plan you can imagine in your head he works a crap job faking who he is to represent a company and derive some form of commission from personally incentives his freedom even though he like the rest of us is shackled to a desk for 8 hours a day.

Or the clothes made internationally by sweatshop workers. Or the shoes. The brand advertisements. The marketing tricks. The quiet bartender who serves you a drink but your wondering what there internal voice is stipulating upon thats derived from her environment she goes home to.

You end up thinking, is this it? The Truman show of reality. The predictable patterns. The cage we created for ourselves and wilfully handed others the key because we think the devil we know is better than the devil we don’t know. How society has shaped male and female incentives in personal relationships. Victim mentality to manipulate others psychological reasoning. The hypocrisy and contradictions.

The man who murders a child and is jailed for life but the CEO who profiteers off the deaths of others and presents themselves and the philanthropist.

You think what the hell is happening. Im only 24 and this is the world?

When i was in school or earlier you see the world as nothing beyond the circumference of your walls. You don’t think these teachers who wont and don’t break the illusion for you. Live as part of the illusion and suffer because of it.

So all i do after work is figure out how :

A) I will leave society.

B) what do i want that hasn’t been socially instilled or engineered within me to want i.e money, fame, wealth, attention, narration.

C) Who am i without others to validate myself or a baseline to validate against — fools morality and morale judgement based on socially formed conditional norms and status quos.

And of course drink alcohol to act as a mediatory tool to keep me stabile enough while i figure out my long term plans.

I’ve always been different. Never been someone who fits in really even though im extroverted and talk to everyone. I can read rooms fairly well and function alright.

But, I talk to everyone but feel like I’m speaking to no-one.

Theres, alot of surface level interactions in life, people project insecurities visions biases onto others and their surrounding environment, me included to some extent. But, everyone i speak to call me strange weird or unusual because i don’t conform to normal expectations. I just sort of do my own thing, talk about my own stuff. Or act sort of unpredictable.

Talking to myself and having full conversations with myself everyday makes people think theres something wrong with me but thats simply how i organise my thoughts for the most part.

My thinking tends to be quite unpredictable or in other words non linear and associative so i can also come across quite intense often. I don’t really feel satisfied with a simple office job because my mind inside of my head says or shows me that what I’m doing serves someone else but doesn’t really serve myself.

People remain loyal as long as they have a reference point to what they are being loyal too. Or it suites their personal interests and how they wish to come across to others they admire or wish to present themselves as.

For the most part human interactions are facades and charades of decency and morality.

But on a daily basis i wonder or step outside of my own head and view me in my environment and say “well when does this all end?” .

Or, why is authority fragile and fake and illusion - similar to competency. Choosing comfort over the truth or normalising standards that are inherently inefficient.

The lack of genuine sincerity or authenticity to who they are because they never understood what they are to look inwards to finally understand themselves.

Humans are like domesticated wild animals with rules and societal expectations that a group of individuals have set upon us to mindlessly follow without question.

But for me who wants to do things and be things however has equally had not the best cards dealt it becomes frustrating. You just want to shout at people say why cant see all of this or if you see it why don’t you care?

I don’t understand but i feel lost inside my own head because thats the only place i feel understood.

My dad came out of prison and shortly met my mum. When I would do things wrong he would bend me over and smack me (he served a 25yr sentence). That shortly turned into when i was around 6 to not just bending me over and smacking me but sexually abusing me till i bled .

One day he got me to swallow his stuff and i told my mum she divorced him when she found out but afterwards I felt violated and less of a human, more of a object to be used sexually by authority figures. I later realised my dad had been sent to crown court again. Somewhere along my journey I had already been as a older man in my early 20s for violence charges because i never learnt how to deal with disrespect, in crown court I was sent. I beat my case after a lengthy trial. But i decided to build a better me. Similar to my last post i have decided over the years to pick opportunities and keep an open mind for leverage.

Its a dog eat dog world and all im trying to do is survive. I have a lot of thoughts on my mind, my ex lied about being pregnant and im still trying to deal with the fallout of what i done when my current girlfriend lied about being sexually abused by her neighbour when she was younger. Consequences came to both individuals and i dont regret it.

Thank you for listening.

Edit: I don’t like violence I try to negotiate and speak with people in a fairly direct straight forward jokey way but ive done things I didnt want to do. I’ve smashed people over small things when they pushed me too far. Most people backdown when they realise I’m serious I have no problem losing everything. My neighbour was causing me and missus issues ordering me around bossing me setting deadlines for when he wants things done and im a quiet unassuming person who doesnt look for trouble as said im conflict avoidant.

But if people go there ill look them dead in the eyes and say do you think its worth dying over this.

I’m thinking of putting my limited company into a CVL soon. The business has been struggling for a while and I’ve got quite a bit of debt built up with suppliers and a couple of bigger creditors.
My mate (who’s done this before) was telling me that in a CVL the directors can choose the liquidator themselves, rather than the court or creditors forcing someone on you. He said if I act quickly I could move some of the remaining assets and equipment into a new company I’ve already set up before the liquidator really gets stuck in.

I’m not trying to be dodgy or anything, I just want to keep trading and actually make money instead of spending the next few years paying off old debts that the business can’t really afford. The way he explained it, if I do it properly and get the timing right, the old company just gets liquidated and the new one carries on without all the baggage.

Has anyone actually done this or been through it? How risky is it really if I’m careful with how I move things across? I don’t want to end up in court or with the liquidator chasing me personally, but I also don’t want to just give up and let everything go to shit.

Any advice would be appreciated.