u/Jazzlike-Training541

This is long, so buckle up… I don’t even know where to start.

There’s this YouTuber who’s 2-3 years younger than me who’s conventionally attractive, and when looking back at old videos or photos or edits, they would use old clips from when he was maybe 16-18 (I’m in my 20s), and I remember at times thinking he looked so attractive but young. When I realized his age at the time to confirm, I still felt weird about it and backed off, but yeah… Not sure what this means about me, especially if I find him “attractive” still at that age, but I can’t tell if it’s attraction or just recognizing him as attractive if that makes sense.

I have OCD and struggle with POCD in general. My friend’s young relative spoke on the phone in the background a few weeks ago, and without knowing her age at first but still assuming she was young because it’s his niece, my brain immediately noticed her voice being “attractive” or appealing, and I felt like an absolute monster after learning how young she is (turning 13). Now whenever she’s on the phone in the background, I panic and still don’t know if I find her voice attractive or not, especially because she sounds a lot older than her age. It’s like my brain can’t grasp it fully because all I hear is a voice, but I also struggle with really bad intrusive thoughts, so I can’t even tell anymore. I was on guard the whole time, worried I was flirting with her accidentally or subconsciously by accident, and my brain would be scanning for any inappropriate behaviour on her end as well. I remember searching my friend’s following list to see if I could see a photo of her and get over it so my brain could confirm if I’m attracted or not. Now I feel even weirder for THAT. I recently saw her on video for a split second, and my stomach dropped because she is pretty (I mean that in the least creepy way possible, just objectively speaking), and I immediately thought, “Oh, great. This is confirmation.” But it also registered to me how young she really is, especially the more I listen to her talk, due to immaturity. I still feel uneasy and on guard all the time to scan my reactions, even if I have no intent or desire. I feel like a danger around kids, even though I’d never actually do anything with one.

I once saw random edits of a TV character (Agnes from Wednesday) who was around 16 at the time, and I couldn’t tell if I was attracted to her or not or if I just recognized her as being pretty. I still think she’s very pretty, but I feel weird seeing videos of her. I can’t fully remember, but I think I got a groinal response at the time (you can Google what that is in OCD), and I can’t remember if I was thinking sexually or not. I do remember trying to solve it though by checking and scanning every feeling. When I’m calm, it feels like just recognizing her as pretty, but other times, it feels like I could actually be attracted to her or am panicking and thinking I am just because I find her pretty. This happens a lot when I’ll be scrolling TikTok or something and a “cute” or “pretty” kid pops up. My brain will randomly say, “They’re so fine,” without even being able to think, which leads me to compulsively checking if it’s true attraction or not. There have been times where I genuinely can’t tell the difference.

I also get random thoughts of things I used to do as a kid and sometimes wonder, like curiosity about certain things I used to do in a projecting type of way around them, which makes me question if I’d want that, makes me test my reactions, etc., turning it into a whole mental checking thing that makes me not even know what’s real anymore. I feel like my mind goes to dark places, but half of them don’t even feel like me because they go against my morals. I can’t even tell if they’re intrusive thoughts or just curiosity. I literally don’t know or trust anything anymore. But if it’s curiosity without any desire (I THINK?). I still don’t know what that means.

Another thing is with my partner. I would get random thoughts like, “If he were into that stuff, would you still love him?” and mentally checking if I would, sometimes feeling okay with it and calm, sometimes panicking, sometimes feeling what feels like actual desire and being genuinely turned on at times, etc., especially when I read an old joking comment we made a few months ago while scrolling back in the chat. It was like a surge of adrenaline because I was already on guard, but it felt like genuine arousal. I get a lot of random thoughts like, “What’s the big deal?” about certain things I can’t name, but then immediately argue with my thoughts as well. I have a lot of trauma from growing up, so I tend to gravitate towards wanting to be taken care of/babied sometimes, liking being seen as his little one, which makes me lean into the whole DDLG dynamic. I think my brain might be associating the taboo thoughts with myself and how he views me, if that makes sense. I still feel like a creep if I want him to see me that way, but I think it’s a trauma thing?

I really have no idea what any of this means. I feel like I need to be locked away, but I also struggle with a lot of different OCD themes as well. I just can’t tell the difference anymore.

This is long, so buckle up… I don’t even know where to start.

There’s this YouTuber who’s 2-3 years younger than me who’s conventionally attractive, and when looking back at old videos or photos or edits, they would use old clips from when he was maybe 16-18 (I’m in my mid 20s), and I remember at times thinking he looked so attractive but young. When I realized his age at the time to confirm, I still felt weird about it and backed off, but yeah… Not sure what this means about me, especially if I find him “attractive” still at that age, but I can’t tell if it’s attraction or just recognizing him as attractive if that makes sense.

I have OCD and struggle with POCD in general. My friend’s young relative spoke on the phone in the background a few weeks ago, and without knowing her age at first but still assuming she was young because it’s his niece, my brain immediately noticed her voice being “attractive” or appealing, and I felt like an absolute monster after learning how young she is (turning 13). Now whenever she’s on the phone in the background, I panic and still don’t know if I find her voice attractive or not, especially because she sounds a lot older than her age. It’s like my brain can’t grasp it fully because all I hear is a voice, but I also struggle with really bad intrusive thoughts, so I can’t even tell anymore. I was on guard the whole time, worried I was flirting with her accidentally or subconsciously by accident, and my brain would be scanning for any inappropriate behaviour on her end as well. I remember searching my friend’s following list to see if I could see a photo of her and get over it so my brain could confirm if I’m attracted or not. Now I feel even weirder for THAT. I recently saw her on video for a split second, and my stomach dropped because she is pretty (I mean that in the least creepy way possible, just objectively speaking), and I immediately thought, “Oh, great. This is confirmation.” But it also registered to me how young she really is, especially the more I listen to her talk, due to immaturity. I still feel uneasy and on guard all the time to scan my reactions, even if I have no intent or desire. I feel like a danger around kids, even though I’d never actually do anything with one.

I once saw random edits of a TV character (Agnes from Wednesday) who was around 16 at the time, and I couldn’t tell if I was attracted to her or not or if I just recognized her as being pretty. I still think she’s very pretty, but I feel weird seeing videos of her. I can’t fully remember, but I think I got a groinal response at the time (you can Google what that is in OCD), and I can’t remember if I was thinking sexually or not. I do remember trying to solve it though by checking and scanning every feeling. When I’m calm, it feels like just recognizing her as pretty, but other times, it feels like I could actually be attracted to her or am panicking and thinking I am just because I find her pretty. This happens a lot when I’ll be scrolling TikTok or something and a “cute” or “pretty” kid pops up. My brain will randomly say, “They’re so fine,” without even being able to think, which leads me to compulsively checking if it’s true attraction or not. There have been times where I genuinely can’t tell the difference.

I also get random thoughts of things I used to do as a kid and sometimes wonder, like curiosity about certain things I used to do in a projecting type of way around them, which makes me question if I’d want that, makes me test my reactions, etc., turning it into a whole mental checking thing that makes me not even know what’s real anymore. I feel like my mind goes to dark places, but half of them don’t even feel like me because they go against my morals. I can’t even tell if they’re intrusive thoughts or just curiosity. I literally don’t know or trust anything anymore. But if it’s curiosity without any desire (I THINK?). I still don’t know what that means.

Another thing is with my partner. I would get random thoughts like, “If he were into that stuff, would you still love him?” and mentally checking if I would, sometimes feeling okay with it and calm, sometimes panicking, sometimes feeling what feels like actual desire and being genuinely turned on at times, etc., especially when I read an old joking comment we made a few months ago while scrolling back in the chat. It was like a surge of adrenaline because I was already on guard, but it felt like genuine arousal. I get a lot of random thoughts like, “What’s the big deal?” about certain things I can’t name, but then immediately argue with my thoughts as well. I have a lot of trauma from growing up, so I tend to gravitate towards wanting to be taken care of/babied sometimes, liking being seen as his little one, which makes me lean into the whole DDLG dynamic. I think my brain might be associating the taboo thoughts with myself and how he views me, if that makes sense. I still feel like a creep if I want him to see me that way, but I think it’s a trauma thing?

I really have no idea what any of this means. I feel like I need to be locked away, but I also struggle with a lot of different OCD themes as well. I just can’t tell the difference anymore.

This is long, so buckle up… I don’t even know where to start.

There’s this YouTuber who’s 2-3 years younger than me who’s conventionally attractive, and when looking back at old videos or photos or edits, they would use old clips from when he was maybe 16-18 (I’m in my mid 20s), and I remember at times thinking he looked so attractive but young. When I realized his age at the time to confirm, I still felt weird about it and backed off, but yeah… Not sure what this means about me, especially if I find him “attractive” still at that age, but I can’t tell if it’s attraction or just recognizing him as attractive if that makes sense.

I have OCD and struggle with POCD in general. My friend’s young relative spoke on the phone in the background a few weeks ago, and without knowing her age at first but still assuming she was young because it’s his niece, my brain immediately noticed her voice being “attractive” or appealing, and I felt like an absolute monster after learning how young she is (turning 13). Now whenever she’s on the phone in the background, I panic and still don’t know if I find her voice attractive or not, especially because she sounds a lot older than her age. It’s like my brain can’t grasp it fully because all I hear is a voice, but I also struggle with really bad intrusive thoughts, so I can’t even tell anymore. I was on guard the whole time, worried I was flirting with her accidentally or subconsciously by accident, and my brain would be scanning for any inappropriate behaviour on her end as well. I remember searching my friend’s following list to see if I could see a photo of her and get over it so my brain could confirm if I’m attracted or not. Now I feel even weirder for THAT. I recently saw her on video for a split second, and my stomach dropped because she is pretty (I mean that in the least creepy way possible, just objectively speaking), and I immediately thought, “Oh, great. This is confirmation.” But it also registered to me how young she really is, especially the more I listen to her talk, due to immaturity. I still feel uneasy and on guard all the time to scan my reactions, even if I have no intent or desire. I feel like a danger around kids, even though I’d never actually do anything with one.

I once saw random edits of a TV character (Agnes from Wednesday) who was around 16 at the time, and I couldn’t tell if I was attracted to her or not or if I just recognized her as being pretty. I still think she’s very pretty, but I feel weird seeing videos of her. I can’t fully remember, but I think I got a groinal response at the time (you can Google what that is in OCD), and I can’t remember if I was thinking sexually or not. I do remember trying to solve it though by checking and scanning every feeling. When I’m calm, it feels like just recognizing her as pretty, but other times, it feels like I could actually be attracted to her or am panicking and thinking I am just because I find her pretty. This happens a lot when I’ll be scrolling TikTok or something and a “cute” or “pretty” kid pops up. My brain will randomly say, “They’re so fine,” without even being able to think, which leads me to compulsively checking if it’s true attraction or not. There have been times where I genuinely can’t tell the difference.

I also get random thoughts of things I used to do as a kid and sometimes wonder, like curiosity about certain things I used to do in a projecting type of way around them, which makes me question if I’d want that, makes me test my reactions, etc., turning it into a whole mental checking thing that makes me not even know what’s real anymore. I feel like my mind goes to dark places, but half of them don’t even feel like me because they go against my morals. I can’t even tell if they’re intrusive thoughts or just curiosity. I literally don’t know or trust anything anymore. But if it’s curiosity without any desire (I THINK?). I still don’t know what that means.

Another thing is with my partner. I would get random thoughts like, “If he were into that stuff, would you still love him?” and mentally checking if I would, sometimes feeling okay with it and calm, sometimes panicking, sometimes feeling what feels like actual desire and being genuinely turned on at times, etc., especially when I read an old joking comment we made a few months ago while scrolling back in the chat. It was like a surge of adrenaline because I was already on guard, but it felt like genuine arousal. I get a lot of random thoughts like, “What’s the big deal?” about certain things I can’t name, but then immediately argue with my thoughts as well. I have a lot of trauma from growing up, so I tend to gravitate towards wanting to be taken care of/babied sometimes, liking being seen as his little one, which makes me lean into the whole DDLG dynamic. I think my brain might be associating the taboo thoughts with myself and how he views me, if that makes sense. I still feel like a creep if I want him to see me that way, but I think it’s a trauma thing?

I really have no idea what any of this means. I feel like I need to be locked away, but I also struggle with a lot of different OCD themes as well. I just can’t tell the difference anymore.