u/JetreL

It’s been a bit since I’ve posted, and I wanted to talk a bit about showing up, staying purpose driven, and remembering what we can actually control. I’ve been with this group since the beginning. Lately I’ve had a bit of a wake-up call, and it reminded me why this place matters.

Ten+ years ago, I divorced my older kids’ mom. It was a mutual decision, but the process and the years that followed were not easy. There was conflict, pain, mistakes, and a lot of learning the hard way. This group did not really gain traction until a little too late for me, but I have always tried to return the lessons I learned along the way.

We are better together. I may not live your exact situation, but I understand a lot of what many dads here are carrying.

Since then, I’ve raised my older kids into adulthood with mixed success, mistakes, and some missteps along the way. I can still say with confidence that I did my best, I love them deeply, and I have tried to keep showing up even when things were hard or imperfect.

At the end of last year, I made my final child support payment. I expected it to feel like relief, closure, or maybe even victory. Instead, it felt more complicated than that. Almost indifferent, but still heavy in a way I cannot fully explain. It marked the end of one chapter, but also forced me to reflect on the father I had been, the father I tried to be, and the man I still want to become.

I also have two more children in my current relationship, one bonus child and one biological child. Recently, my partner told me she was unhappy and wanted to separate. I knew we had issues, and I thought we had been trending in a better direction. From her side, it seems she was not in the same place.

We are working through what reconciliation may or may not look like. I own my part in how we got here. I could have shown up better. I could have been more intentional. I could have paid closer attention to where I had gotten comfortable.

And that is really the point of this post.

I’ve been reading a lot lately, including:

Attached
A book about attachment styles, relationship patterns, and how different people connect, disconnect, and respond to conflict.

The Intentional Father
A book about taking an active, planned role in raising your children and shaping your family. It has a religious slant, so that may or may not be your thing, but the core message is still strong.

The second book hit me pretty hard. It reminded me that, in some ways, I had started coasting. I was financially more stable. Life was moving along. From the outside, things probably looked fine. But stability is not the same thing as intentionality.

I had let comfort replace purpose in some areas. I had outsourced too much emotionally. I had allowed the day-to-day grind to become an excuse for not fully showing up in my relationship, in my household, and in my role as a father and partner.

That is not easy to admit, but it is important.

Like a muscle, if you do not work it, it does not stay strong. It gets replaced with weakness, resentment, distance, or neglect.

I do not subscribe to the hyper-masculine content that is being pushed at a lot of men and boys right now. I do not think being a strong man means being cold, controlling, angry, dominant, or emotionally shut down.

But I do believe men need purpose.

• I believe fathers need direction.
• I believe our kids need steady, present, emotionally grounded male role models.

Whether you are divorced, separated, remarried, dating, single, reconciling, or just trying to survive the current season, the foundation is the same:

• You can only control yourself.
• You can control how you show up.
• You can control whether you lead with bitterness or growth.
• You can control whether you keep healing or stay stuck.
• You can control whether your kids experience you as steady, safe, present, and reliable.

The operating model I keep coming back to is this:

• Calm authority, not dominance
• Emotional steadiness, not emotional suppression
• Household ownership, not control
• Warmth without neediness
• Boundaries without punishment
• Leadership through consistency, not force
• Accountability without self-destruction
• Growth without pretending you have it all figured out

For anyone looking for books that may help, these are some I’ve found useful:

• The Intentional Father
• How to Raise a Boy
• No-Drama Discipline
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
• I Don’t Want to Talk About It
• Fierce Intimacy
• No More Mr. Nice Guy
• Attached

My advice is to read slowly. Keep a journal. Write down the parts that hit you. Do not just consume the material. Use it as a mirror. Use it as a way to ask yourself:

• Where am I avoiding responsibility?
• Where am I letting anger lead?
• Where am I showing up well?
• Where do my kids need more from me?
• What kind of man am I becoming?
• What kind of father will they remember?

This does not have to be expensive. A library card, a notebook, and a willingness to be honest with yourself can go a long way.

I would also welcome other book or podcast recommendations from the group. A lot of us are trying to rebuild, heal, parent well, and become better men at the same time. None of that is easy, but it is worth doing.

Even if you are not in a relationship right now, the work still matters. You are building the foundation for how you show up in your kids’ lives, in your future relationships, and in your own life.

The long game matters. Healing matters. Showing up matters. Purpose matters.

You MATTER!

You cannot control your ex. You cannot control the court system. You cannot control every outcome with your kids. You cannot control whether someone else sees your growth, appreciates your effort, or meets you halfway.

But you can control your side of the street. You can keep becoming steadier. You can keep choosing your kids. You can keep doing the work. You can keep showing up. And over time, that matters more than you may realize.

You’ve got this!