r/DivorcedDads

The title explains all. I am being left because she doesn't want to help financially (equally) and equally shoulder the raising of the kids. She wants me to do it ALL, which deprives me of a relationship with both her and the children as I grind out my life working, thus the family unit suffers.

She says that I have "no idea" how to run a household, and attend to the kids and their needs. This is simply not true. She helicopter-parents and gives the children everything without hesitation or careful consideration of unintended consequences, such as the unrealized demise of everyone deserving "participation trophies".

This approach is counter-productive to effective and positive-parenting (in general).

Besides, in reality, I actually do a way more realistic job than she does, but that's another topic of its own. Any family (especially ours) realizes far greater benefits with 2 parents working part-time jobs or at least the parental combination of part-time job and WFH job.

She just was raised like an entitled little princess and isn't having any of that. Divorce is eminent because I am both a realist and minimalist. She tends to lean towards the traditional Gold Digger that watches too many Desperate Housewives of Anycity, USA shows. This is NOT the woman that I married. And I swear that these delusional feminist movement chartered shows have warped a generation or two of good women with wholesome values.

I am at a loss of words and thoughts on this stark reality of mine.

14 year old daughter lives in another state and has for the last 3 years. Her mother and I do not go through state for custody/child support arrangements. Her mother has never stuck to any sort of visitation schedule. My time has always been trampled on despite me paying consistently for the last 5 years. My daughter would get anxious leaving her mom (her mom left the state for two years when our daughter was only 4 and never came to visit her) so when we did live close by I still hardly saw my daughter. It’s been worse since she has moved. I barely know what’s going on in her life, her mother occasionally will fill me in briefly and my daughter rarely answers my phone calls and texts. I have no idea what to do. Any advice?

Hey all. Unfortunately new to this life. Wife and I just agreed that we would get divorced this morning. We have a 14 month old and I’m a mess. I don’t have a lot of friends. My family doesn’t live here and I feel beyond alone at this point. It hurts to look at my boy. I feel so broken and bad for him. He has no idea how much has just changed in an instant. My heart is broken.

I allowed my ex to leave Ireland with our two children in good faith. But also trying to keep it amicable in a bad situation for me. Injured, under the influence of pain medication and up against an endless financial support. We had an agreement. I trusted that agreement and trusted that my relationship with my sons would be protected.
Instead, my access became restricted. Conditions were placed on my parenting time. A year passed while my children became established in another country.
Then legal proceedings were brought against me in that country.
Now I am told that the very passage of time that occurred after I acted in good faith has weakened my position. I must submit to a foreign jurisdiction and face child support demands of approximately €1,600 per month, before additional expenses, while also funding the enormous cost of travelling internationally to see my own children.
Where is the morality in that?
The system reduces a father to a calculation. It does not properly ask how the children came to live abroad, what promises were made, what access was withheld, what it costs to remain an active parent across an ocean, or whether the final financial burden is actually sustainable.
Good faith should not be punished. Delay should not reward the parent who controls access. A parent should not be financially broken for trying to remain in their children’s lives.
A legal system can follow its own rules and still produce an immoral result.
That is what family courts refuse to confront.

Is there any way to make things better with the other parent?

I met a guy who had 50/50 and no financial payments of any kind. The mother of his kid just split but they split amicably and they both remarried.

Is there a way to go from a contentious situation to something more amicable?

Awful situation. I’m originally from Ohio and we moved to the Bay Area back in 2022. Getting a divorce now with a kid and basically have to choose between struggling for the next 16 years or moving somewhere cheaper and being far away from my kid. I’m sure I’m not the only one ever who’s been in this situation. What are my options? Can I try to convince the court moving somewhere cheaper is in the best interest of my child? Any advice helps.

i’ll be eating a salad and some canned ravioli then be in bed by 2 or so. you?

I made a post last week about opinions about couples counseling. I really read over every comment like 10 times and took a few to heart and.....

I don't know what to say after it.

My soon to be ex picked the counselor which is her counselor that she's been seeing for a year.

Kinda made things feel not neutral to me, I didn't it until he mentioned it early in the session.

He asked me why we are here and I said because my wife doesn't love me and then silence for like 5 mins. It was awkward

He had us then do an exercise where we stand close facing each other looking deeply in each other's "3rd eye" my wife kept saying " I'm gonna fight for you " I was hit with a ton of bricks because where was this behavior the past 3 years .... awkward again

Then it moved to another exercise where he wanted us to kiss each others forehead, check, lip, chin 3x each and we did like 3 rounds of that. I just felt like what am I doing here.

We sat down and asked us both to only talk about positive things about the future. I mentioned her affair that is a road block to that way of thinking and he said " no no no, don't bring that up. We will get to that when we are at a good point in our relationship" lol what

He asked us to do the kissing exercise every day till Wednesday ( our next session) and it was over

I'm just lol what the hell did I just sit thru.

Anyone else had a similar experience?

EDIT UPDATE:

Forgot to include in original post. I left the home earlier for 2 days and sat down with a lawyer ( thanks to people in this sub for convincing me that was a stupid idea... My lawyer told me to move back in asap )

I took his business card after the session and looked him up for license and creds... And yes he is a licensed family therapist.

Wife is spending way too much time in the streets. Come to find out, she’s hanging out with some dude. Enough is enough but I don’t have family or friends. I really keep to myself. I’ve been calling the suicide hotline because I know they will talk to me — I’m not suicidal but I just need someone to listen. I’m out of the house this weekend/next week. Can’t sleep and I think the healing process will start the sooner I leave. Gotta explain my departure to a 9 year old, though…gonna be rough…

Any recommendations?

TLDR: kid's mom said I could come to upcoming birthday celebration, then reneged, saying "my behavior needs to change." (I'm not the problem one)

Hard to even know where to start...

Potentially relevant details:

-50/50 custody with week on/week off parenting schedules.

-I have a pregnant girlfriend that I'm later moving in with. (Disclose this to my daughter's mother early on)

-We seemed to begin having issues with what feels like retaliation after I filled a temporary motion to restrict parenting time (having my daughter stay with me exclusively until the situation was remedied) after her mother disclosed that her home had become infected with bed bugs. This also coincided with her moving them in with her then boyfriend without telling me. (I only learned of that fact when I went to pick my daughter up right after learning about the bed bugs).

-We have been split for about 4 years, she decided after we broke up to relocate 4 hours away from where we were living so that she could save money by living with family. I was lucky enough to be in a position to be able to relocate, and uprooted my life and made the move so that I could stay in my daughter's life.

My daughter's mom is a rather high conflict individual (exhibits manipulative narcissism which constantly gets projected onto me) that recently started making comments in family court proceedings about feeling unsafe around me and wanting to limit her exposure to me. She requested communications happen through Taking Parents in court and the judge has compelled me to both pay for this service as well as exclusively use it to talk to my ex. On top of this, she's blocked me on social media, and had her new husband (whom she moved in with, became engaged to, and later married [3 months after engagement] without my knowledge, and has gone as far as to conscript others into keeping the secret as well) as well as her father also block me. Slowly I have been more and more ostracized from the new life she enjoys without me in it.

Recently, I reached out to her to open up lines of communication regarding our daughter's upcoming birthday (9 days in advance) as we have done joint birthdays with her ever since we split. I was expecting we would continue that again this year. I asked if we could schedule a phone call to discuss plans, what/how I could contribute, etc.

During the phone call she mentioned that she was planning a party for the day before her actual birthday so certain guests would be able to attend, and that it would be fine for me to join in.

I mentioned I'd reach out via TP a little later after I'd had a chance to talk to my girlfriend about it, and within a couple hours wrote "We would love to participate at noon on Friday."

Today, she responds, "Hey, I have been thinking about it and talking it over and decided that it’s best if we do separate things this year for [daughter's] birthday. Maybe down the line after a new pattern of behavior on your part has been established, I’ll be able to trust that we can interact in a way that is comfortable and healthy for everyone but right now that is not the case. You are entitled to have [daughters name] during her birthday from 2 PM until 8 PM on the 11th as stipulated in our parenting plan."

I'm really at a loss for how to respond, or if I should at all.

Any advice from those that have dealt with stuff like this? Knowing that these communications can be submitted to the court in the future, I want to be careful with how I word things, but also want to stand up for myself in this situation, and do what I can to dispel any suggestions that "my behavior is an issue."

My girlfriend believes that this may be an attempt to both assassinate my credibility and character in the future, as well as some form of a trap to get me to act or react in a way that she can twist towards her narrative, like she's trying to build a case against me or something.

Thanks in advance.

We share 50/50 time with our kids. Two times we went to a pretrial judge who said my ex had to stop questioning the kids and having them report between homes about things like video games, screen time, bedtime, and baths. Two times! Plus, I'm not doing anything crazy. I've basically maintained what we had before.

She's sick so I pick up the kids to help her out so she can rest. The first question my oldest son with an intellectual disability asks me is 'how much video games did we play last week with you?' Why buddy? 'Because I tell Mommy.'

I finally sat down both my kids and told them that I know Mommy asks these questions to them but its wrong to do so, and that a judge has told mommy to talk to daddy and not them about questions on this.

I'm honestly sick of this. It makes me look bad when she questions the kids this way. The kids will likely be thinking is my daddy a bad daddy? why is mommy so worried? Well, now I told them a judge told her to stop. She can look like the bad guy for a change. so sick of these antics. It's beyond disgusting.

This is about a week after a judge told her for the second time to stop! I'm beyond upset here. I messaged her again telling her this behavior is beyond inappropriate and reminded her what the judge said. I told her if it continues I will be seeking a psychological assessment for our children and further le gal actions. She will ignore me like she always does.

I worry about the long term trauma our tensions will cause these children. She was refusing therapy for them but the judge got her to agree to it. Plus she would be breaking the separation agreement if she did, not that she cares. Honestly, what is wrong with some people?!

We have a trial next year which in my opinion is why she is doing this but a judge already told her it wont help, and yet she continues lol... gah!

I know I've posted about this before here, but what is wrong with her? Honestly I don't understand how her mind works here... it's beyond stupid and just makes thing worse.

My ex-wife's new boyfriend thinks he has parent powers over our kids. He also thinks that he has the authority to tell me to not come onto their front porch when I am dropping off the kids. He likes to get loud and mouthy as well, he has delusions of being an alpha male. I am debating on how to let him know who the REAL BOSS is and to stop the bravado. I am leaning towards a pop to the jaw but am not sure if it is worth it long term. Any ideas how to put this clown in his place before it really gets nasty? I have been civil with him however I am getting tired of him thinking he's in charge.

I am in a situation with my wife and I am legitimately torn on where to go from here.

I am a stay at home dad to 2 kids. We moved across country in 2014 for my wife’s dream job and my job didn’t transfer to where we are. I had parental leave but my wife’s job is so demanding, it made sense for me to be at home. I thought we were on the same page about this at the time.

Over the years we had another kid who has serious autism, my wife had breast cancer, serious turmoil in her professional life but we have endured. We have a house in a very expensive city, our kids are doing ok but need a lot of support, have a large portfolio and I have increasingly taken on more work to help my wife with her job (book keeping, invoicing, admin, managing payroll taxes, investments etc). I also do 100% kids planning, cooking, cleaning, laundry, pet care, house maintenance etc. my wife comes home and just has to recharge from her job.

Over the years though the emotional abuse and her depression have come to a head. I get constant criticism about everything. From her perspective, she has to manage everything, from mine, she cannot let anything slide and escalates a minor inconvenience or annoyance into a 40 text message conversation about how I cannot support her. I
Do love her, I can acknowledge she is suffering and all of the benefits I have in life are because of her. She is cruel to me though, impatient and generally hates being around me.

In March she told me “you should end your life if you cannot support me in the way that I need”. She claims she doesn’t remember saying it and has not apologized.

We haven’t had sex in 10 years, any platonic affection I show her is brushed off and I’m
Walking on egg shells constantly. This morning, I made a 12 cup pot of coffee instead of an 8 cup
Pot of coffee. She likes it with 8 cups. I got 20 text messages about how stupid and useless I am that I cannot get basic tasks correct.

I don’t know what to do. My kids need so much support and I haven’t worked a regular 9-5 in 12 years. I have no family within 3000 miles, and what little family I have, cannot help or even offer advice.

I don’t know if I can move forward and get a divorced to torpedo my kids lives. I don’t know how support someone who is depressed and anxious and berates me daily over a variety of perceived mistakes or inconveniences. I think I’m a good person but this daily assault is destroying me.

Any other dads out there who have endured? Any who can offer advice from the other side?

Title. This is kind of a break the glass moment. Need help. Been depressed and reclusive since the divorce.

I’m posting here because I keep going in circles in my head about my marriage ending and I’m trying to understand if I’m missing something or if I’m unfairly blaming myself.
For context: we have a daughter together, and my wife and I are currently separated and heading toward divorce.
We got married in November 2023. At first things felt normal, but over time I started noticing distance and tension building. About 6 months before the separation, her mood toward me started shifting. She became more irritable, short with me, and less emotionally present. Conversations that used to feel easy started feeling like I was walking on eggshells.
Around that same general period, I lost my job. I was told my employer wanted to go in a different direction with the role. It wasn’t performance-related in any formal sense, just a “we’re moving another way” situation.
That’s when everything got a lot harder.
I immediately started applying everywhere not just in my field, but also factories, retail, fast food, anything I could realistically get. At the same time I started doing DoorDash late nights just to keep money coming in. Even while unemployed, I was still handling childcare, household responsibilities, and trying to stay afloat financially.
From my perspective, I was actively trying not just waiting for something to land.
During this time, the emotional distance between us kept growing. She didn’t really check in on me much anymore or ask how I was doing with the job search or stress. When I would try to talk about how overwhelmed I was, it often felt like she was shut down or didn’t want to engage with it. If I brought up my struggles, the response was usually along the lines of “I have struggles too,” but those conversations didn’t really go anywhere for either of us.
Our anniversary came during this period, and I remember feeling like it might be our last one together. We went out to dinner, but it was a sad, tense night that turned into an argument. I tried to open up emotionally about how much fear and uncertainty I was carrying about everything, and she shut it down. I don’t think either of us was really able to be vulnerable with each other at that point.
Before things fully broke down, I actually tried to address it. I suggested more regular check-ins between us and brought up couples counseling early on, but it never really moved forward.
Fast forward to early the next year, I told her I wasn’t happy and wanted us to work on things. At first she said she wanted to separate and try to work on the marriage. A few days later, that shifted into her saying she wanted a divorce.
The reasons she gave were communication issues, compatibility issues, and feeling unstable with my career situation. She also said she needed a partner who could provide and didn’t want to feel like she was in the position of being the provider, even though we had both worked during the marriage.
At first she gave me about a month to find a place. Then after I spoke with my parents and arranged a backup plan to move in with them, she told me I needed to move there instead.
Throughout all of this, I was still doing DoorDash, still taking care of our daughter, still doing household tasks, and still trying to find steady work.
What I’m struggling with most is this feeling that the main reason for the separation was my job loss. I keep replaying it like if I had just kept that job, none of this would have happened.
I can understand the communication issues and compatibility concerns. I can even accept that we weren’t in a good place emotionally. What I can’t fully process is feeling like losing my job was the breaking point that ended the marriage.
I also keep wondering if I should have done more to “save” it, even though I did bring up counseling and tried to talk about issues before things got worse, and she didn’t really want to engage in those conversations or pursue help together.
For people who have been through something similar: how do you stop blaming yourself for a separation when your partner ultimately decides they don’t want to work on the relationship anymore? And how do you separate “I lost my job” from “I caused the marriage to end”?

You always have that gut feeling, you know? I reached out to her former best friend of thirty years at the same time that her current boyfriend was reaching out to her as well. She linked us up and… we were able to piece together this whole puzzle together. I’m sure it might not affect the divorce case at all due to the custody issues but the fact is… if anyone starts drifting from you emotionally, there is always more to it. Don’t wait years for her friends to start encouraging hookup culture and misandry.

July has been a month that is marked in my memory as bad.

I lost my father 5 years ago this month, then 2 years ago I was confronted about by my ex that she was seeing someone else. Last year the bad memories still were heavy and July felt depressing.

This year it feels lighter. I have scheduled two trips this month. The first actually this weekend to Yosemite to conquer half dome. Going by myself but backpacking with a group. Later in the month is a family trip to visit relatives.

Not purposely but I know these trips will create new memories that overshadow the bad ones.

Keep pressing on Dads, the weight gets lighter but you have to keep pressing on.

STBXW asked for Divorce on 5/7. 13 years together, two kids. Been in mediation for about a month. We were working together to process all that went wrong and had a lot of really great conversations.

3 weeks ago, she meets guy out with friend. 3rd date in on her birthday she sleeps with him.

I knew it was inevitable. But it’s hard when it happens so fast while we were getting to know each other again in a healthier way.

It’s emotionally devastating, but ultimately I know it will help me move on.

Mediation is done. At one point, I was just so internally frustrated. It was incredibly awkward to explain the decisions regarding custody and medical care with my ex right there on the call, especially given our past. I wanted to keep the status quo. Basically, I used to make all the medical decisions and just let my ex know—which is one of the reasons we got divorced. The call lasted about 45 minutes, and then it was done.

In the past, I tried to include my ex in medical decisions, but it would take her four to eight weeks to make an agreement. Eventually, I got tired of waiting and started making the decisions myself after a week, and then after just three days when immediate choices were required. For the most part, we could come to agreements during our separation. But the mediator got after me and started lecturing about how we both have to make decisions together—saying there is no third party and no court, unless we choose to exercise that right, but that in this agreement, we have to make decisions together. In my head, I was like, Yeah, I get it, but you don't understand the context of the situation.

Feeling like a bad person.
I’m not a perfect person but my ex got a new place and left me
This is the 3rd time we do this.
This time around I’m maintaining my boundaries.
I don’t want to come over for the kids and be their for her when she left
I have my kids 50/50 and if my kids need me I will be there for them. I just feel bad for closing any emotional access and support off to her from me
If it regards me kids or an emergency I’ll be there
But I don’t want to have dinner at her house or hang out together and do family activities together when she left