r/DivorcedDads

My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago, we’re still living in the same house, for the first few weeks we still shared a bed as our daughter sleeps with us, but it was getting too painful so I asked her to move to the spare room, since then she’s bought a few new sex toys and seems to spend 90% of her time on her phone, she take it into the bath with her aswel? My mind races about what she’s doing on that phone, and with those toys. I’m no where near over her, I miss every aspect of our relationship, when we’re together she looks so cuddly and beautiful and I just want to hold her and never let go, and then when we’re apart my mind races as to why, and what else she might be doing! I know I need to get my house on the market and sell it, but I feel like doing so is also finalising the breakup and drawing a line under all the love we shared, I’ve asked her for a list of all the things that made her fall out of love with me, she said she would do it but not when I asked because it was really late, and not “the right time” but when I asked again today she said she didn’t feel comfortable about it? I already explained I won’t try to explain myself or win her back? I just need to know!! She gave me the happiest years of my life and I honestly don’t even know why I’m carrying on now aside from my daughter needing a father

They won’t know what it cost you.

They will just remember you were there.

Keep fighting for your place in your kids lives.

Don’t give up.

Keep showing up for your kids. They might not acknowledge it but they definitely notice. And they will never forget.

So Im 45, been separated for almost 3 years...divorce process finally getting to negotiation part. Have two kids, a 7 yo daughter and 4 yo son that I get on the weekends. Was married for 14 years prior to separation...and mostly had a great life...until we had kids. Our daughter was not quite 1 when COVID took off. We used to go to Catholic church weekly until then. I started taking an SSRI for anxiety a little before our daughter was born...and started losing my libido. Also, I think it was affected by having a kid and the stress with it. My wife refused to get help from family or friends or a nanny, she was afraid to leave our daughter. So our romantic and fun part of our relationship ground to a halt. We had 4 date nights in 4 years...and they were lame...like a couple hours for dinner.

The first year of fatherhood was hard but actually my favorite year since having kids. But things started to change when we noticed our daughter wasnt talking like other kids. At age 2 that prompted testing and they gave her the diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. That totally changed our view towards our daughter, and anxiety about what her and our lives would be like.

Well, I still wanted a second child, and hoping for a boy. So we literally had sex one night, first time in like a couple years,,,and she gets pregnant. And its a boy. We figured, it couldnt be as bad with him as what weve been through with our daughter.....and we were VERY wrong. He was a very fussy baby, didnt sleep well, so anxious. And of course he was also a late speaker. We had told ourselves no matter what we would never get him tested for ASD after what we went through with out daughter. Well....things were so difficult with him that at age 4 we had him tested and diagnosed also with ASD. None of the preschools could handle him and he was kicked out of his last one after a month. He still isnt potty trained. Its hard to take the kids out in public, mostly cause my son, he often will have tantrums and try to elope. So going to parks, museums, McDonalds, birthday parties...often end in disaster. He has been getting speech and OT for a year. We passed on ABA as some of the doctors advised us not to. Finally we are getting him into the preschool program through our public county system, he starts in a couple weeks.

So how did the separation happen? Well leading up to my son being born, we knew we were in trouble since we didnt have any local family support. We decided to move to the state where my parents live, but settled about 1.5 hrs from them to live very close to one of my ex's good friends from childhood. I had the idea that I would take off 6 months from work to help with the son while we also moved and I started a new job. That year was the worst year of my life. We literally never had breaks from our kids, once a week we would take turns going to the grocery store and that would be our break. Occasionally one of us would do happy hour with a friend which really helped. During this time I also had the grand idea of switching my anxiety medicines and that triggered a deep depression. Also, my new job was horrible and I had to quit pretty soon after starting. It meant another 3 months of being at home with nothing to do but be with the kids.

Finally I started another job but this was the first time I worked from home. During work I could hear the chaos going on outside my office. Right at 5pm my ex was knocking on the door telling me its my turn. During this time, my daughter finally started to speak and overall became much better. We put her in a preschool and got a little respite for half a day. But I was still miserable and ended up leaving the home. It was tough cause we wanted our friends and family to understand how much we were suffering...but my ex didnt want to tell anyone about our daughter's diagnosis.

At first during the separation I quickly started dating other women. But I focused on younger women...and often was a target for scams and women just wanting me for money. I went through a couple year-long spells where I stopped dating. But the loneliness was unbearable. I have struggled with alcohol all my adult life...and things progressed after having kids...and progressed again after the separation. I had gained 30 lbs over the years since having kids and going on an SSRI. Finally, I met a girl that gave me motivation to be healthy, I got back in the gym, ate healthy, cut back on alcohol...and lost the weight. Things were great for a couple months. But eventually I realized the girlfriend really wasnt that into me and mostly liked me for my money. So I broke up with her a couple weeks ago.

Since then, and actually a couple months before the breakup, I got out of my healthy routines. Ive been drinking alot more again. My divorce proceedings are coming to the critical points. Im stressed about how much money I will lose...alimony....child support. I know Im a pretty bad father. I dont enjoy being with my kids most of the time. I dread the weekends. I try and get nannies to watch them so I can go out to bars. When Im at home with my kids I often lay in my bed paralyzed by anxiety. I let them spend HOURS watching tv and playing on tablets so I dont have to entertain them. When I do get the energy and motivation to take them out it often ends in disaster because of my son. I feel like my life really sucks!! Like why am I even doing this...just so that my kids and ex can be taken care of financially?

I know the answers are: stop drinking, get help. I honestly dont think I will ever stop drinking. My brother and sister and niece are all alcoholics. I take Naltrexone and it helps some. I have a psychiatrist and therapist since the separation. I know I need to meet other people, I need more friends. Im trying to get more involved in church so Im looking forward to that. Ive gotten back into church since the separation. Hopefully I can get back into my healthy routines and then Ill have more motivation to be with my kids. Im going to try and stop dating women that just use me.

Ok thats it...thanks for reading.

So to add some context. My in the process ex-wife moved our children out of state without joint decision thus causing our divorce to start. Fast forward to now our divorce is slowly moving along and she has remained in Texas but I have obtained custody of the children via a temporary custody order. My ex wife is a good mom and she loves our kids. She has willfully refused to move back to our home state of Arkansas despite travel restrictions on the children due to school. Is it normal for me to feel guilty for the fact the kids have a reduced parent time with their mother? Or am I over thinking this?

Hello, first time here.
How do people cope with this? I’m getting a divorce, and everything I am or have become was a family man, a loving husband, and devoted my life to my other half.

Now I’m having an identity crisis. Everything I am and was was this loving husband who adapted and moulded to the situation and my wife and kids at every step of the way. Now I feel this has just been pulled out from underneath me and I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t want another family, I don’t want to be with someone else, but I don’t want to be alone.

Having tens of thousands of photos on my phone with my wife and kids, everything reminds me of that happy marriage that was going to last for eternity, is suddenly a distant memory. Now I feel like I’m nothing and no one.

Please help me, how do I cope? How have you coped?

I started this group almost 15 years ago because I was looking for support and answers myself. Ironically, it didn’t really start growing until a lot of my own problems had stabilized and I was further down the road.

At the time I was trying to figure out the same things a lot of guys who come here are trying to figure out now. What happened? Can I fix it? What happens with my kids? What happens to the house, finances, friends, holidays and everything else I assumed would just continue the way it always had?

Looking back, I think one of the hardest parts of separation and divorce is realizing how much of your identity was tied to a life you thought you controlled.

You were a husband. You were part of a family under one roof. You probably had routines and plans for years into the future. Maybe you assumed you would wake up next to the same person, retire together, watch your kids grow up from the same house and spend holidays the way you always had. Then suddenly a lot of those assumptions disappear.

That loss of control can make you desperate to get it back. You want your spouse to understand your side. You want them to change their mind. You want answers that make everything make sense. You may want to convince friends or family that your version of events is the right one. You start trying to control things that, in reality, were never completely yours to control.

You cannot control whether someone loves you, forgives you, stays married to you or understands your side of the story.

You cannot control what they tell other people or what they choose to do with the rest of their life.

What you can control is what you do with yours. That sounds simple, but I think that is where a lot of the actual growth from divorce starts.

Separation and divorce are survivable. Your life is not over, even when it feels like the life you knew is. You can come out of it healthier, more self-aware and even a better father than you were before. But that doesn’t happen automatically just because enough time passes.

At some point you have to take a hard look at yourself too.

That doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything that happened. Responsibility and blame aren’t the same thing. Someone cheating doesn’t mean you caused them to cheat. Someone being abusive doesn’t mean you caused the abuse. Someone else’s addiction or destructive behavior belongs to them.

But almost all of us have something worth examining.

Maybe you worked too much and told yourself it was for your family. Maybe you enabled behavior for years because keeping the peace was easier. Maybe you stopped standing up for yourself. Maybe you drank too much, checked out, stopped listening, took the relationship for granted or became more interested in winning arguments than understanding the person you were arguing with.

Sometimes the lesson is also that you tolerated things you shouldn’t have tolerated. Figure out what belongs to you, work on it and leave the rest where it belongs.

Because if you walk away believing you did absolutely nothing wrong and there is nothing about yourself worth changing, there is a pretty good chance you eventually bring the same version of yourself into the next relationship and wonder why some of the same problems show up again.

Use this as a wake up call.

Not as punishment and not as proof you failed. Use it as an opportunity to take inventory of your life and decide what you want to keep, what needs to change and what you don’t want to carry forward anymore. That’s actually how/why I started this sub; I was laying in bed, basking in my own misery, feeling sorry for myself, when I got angry (at myself), and decided tomorrow I was going to take action and set a path to my own personal recovery.

So if you need help figuring that out, get it.

• Therapy isn’t weakness.
• Antidepressants aren’t weakness.
• Being overwhelmed isn’t weakness.
• Sharing your feelings isn’t weakness.
• Admitting you don’t know all the answers isn’t weakness.

Sometimes you need somebody outside of your own head who can help you separate what actually happened from what fear, anger and grief are telling you happened.

There’s no prize for going through one of the hardest periods of your life without help.

Another thing I’ve learned over the years is how much damage comes from needing to be right. You see it in relationships and you see it here on Reddit. People stop listening to understand and start listening for the next thing they can argue with. Every disagreement becomes something that has to be won.

I’ve actually had to ban a few people here recently because they became so focused on proving their point that they stopped listening altogether, including when they were asked to follow the rules of the group.

That’s one of the reasons this place is heavily moderated. Guys often arrive here scared, angry, embarrassed, depressed or completely lost. The goal should be helping each other through that, not winning internet arguments.

Always remember the human.

That lesson applies to divorce too. You don’t need to answer every accusation, correct every detail or respond to every angry message. Sometimes there is nothing useful left to say. Sometimes listening is more important than defending yourself, and sometimes understanding what someone is saying doesn’t require agreeing with it.

We generally encourage reconciliation here when there is something healthy left to reconcile and both people genuinely want to work on it. I still believe marriages are worth trying to save when both people are willing to do the work.

But you cannot reconcile by yourself.

At some point, if it becomes clear the marriage is ending, you have to stop trying to negotiate the relationship and start handling the divorce. Custody, property, money, schedules and legal agreements eventually become business.

That doesn’t mean you have to become cold or hostile. You can still be decent and fair. But not every financial decision or parenting disagreement needs to become another argument about everything that went wrong in the marriage.

The same thing applies to coparenting.

The better you learn to coparent, the easier your life is going to be in the long run, and more importantly, the easier your kids’ lives will be.

Good coparenting does not mean saying yes to everything. It doesn’t mean letting your ex walk over you or trying to buy peace. You can be cooperative and still have boundaries. You can disagree without making your children part of the disagreement.

Keep them out of the middle as much as you possibly can.

Your children aren’t your messengers. They aren’t your spies. They aren’t your therapist and they don’t need to hear every detail about why the marriage ended or who you think was responsible.

They will understand more as they get older. Let them get there without making them carry your divorce for you. And give yourself a break while you’re figuring all of this out.

You are going to make mistakes. You’ll probably send something you wish you hadn’t sent, react emotionally when you should have waited or look back a few years from now and realize you would handle something completely differently today. That’s growth.

Your kids don’t need you to handle every moment perfectly. They need stability, consistency and a dad who keeps showing up.

Take care of yourself too. It sounds basic because it is.

• Sleep.
• Eat reasonably well.
• Exercise.
• Keep your house in order.
• Stay on top of work.
• Go outside.
• See friends.
• Go to therapy.
• Find hobbies again.
• Spend time with your kids doing normal things that have absolutely nothing to do with the divorce.

And pay attention to the small wins.

Sometimes progress is getting through an entire day without checking what your ex is doing. Sometimes it’s not responding to the message that would have turned into a two-day argument. Sometimes it’s cleaning your house, going to the gym or making dinner instead of sitting on the couch thinking about everything you lost.

Sometimes it’s laughing with your kids and realizing you went a few hours without thinking about any of this at all.

Those things count.

I also think one mistake we make is trying too hard to get our old life back. In many cases, that life wasn’t working very well or we wouldn’t be here.

The goal doesn’t have to be becoming exactly who you were before the separation. Take the things from that life that were good. Learn from the things that weren’t. Leave behind the behaviors, relationships and habits that were hurting you and build something healthier from here.

And don’t rush to fill every empty space.

Being alone can be uncomfortable, especially when you’ve spent years or decades as part of a couple. Loneliness can make almost any attention feel like connection. Give yourself enough time to know the difference.

Your past is your past. You can’t rewrite it, but you can learn from it. Own what belongs to you, stop carrying what doesn’t, stand up for yourself where you need to and decide what kind of life you want to build from here.

Divorce takes away a lot of the life you thought you controlled. It also gives you a chance to decide what remains.

Your relationship with your kids. Your values. Your health. Your friendships. Your career. Your integrity. The way you treat other people. The way you allow other people to treat you. The father you choose to be and the person you become afterward.

Over 10 years later I can tell you there is a lot of life on the other side of this. My oldest are young adults now, I have another family, I wrote this on my phone laying in bed a with my youngest from a different partner after reading their bed time story. Your life isn’t over. It’s just a chapter you probably never expected to be writing.

And if someone hasn’t told you recently, you are important, needed and most importantly not alone.

You’ve got this!

We had a lot to discuss plus a transfer of the kid for the week. I regrettably offered to go meet at a lunch place to hash out details of the upcoming school year.

Where it helped, we can be civil if we need to both meet in person for whatever reason. But it had me look at my ex from a new light. She was not someone I currently would want to date which made me feel like I have grown up. ie, Heavy on expensive jewelry, bragging about expensive trips and business class level on the plane (not my cup of tea, as they say). Too many chaotic lifestyle choices. Overall, it sounds expensive, but I'm glad I'm not picking up the bill!

Where it didn't help, she ordered expensive drinks at lunch and expected me to split the bill. Ugh, lessons learned.

But (other than my wallet) I'm glad I did this once to help me understand I have grown up and moved on. If I met her in OLD, there would not have been a second date.

35M. I’ve been single for about 18 months after a 10-year relationship, and I have two toddler daughters with my ex.
Since becoming single I feel like I’ve tried all the usual advice you see online: exercise, eat better, work on yourself, focus on your career, get back out there and meet people, etc.

Dating has probably been the hardest part. I jokingly feel like I’ve been on 100 dates, although realistically it’s probably closer to 20 since last year. I recently met someone I really liked, we went on two dates, and afterwards she told me she didn’t feel a romantic connection.

Obviously that’s completely fair, but I’m finding the whole cycle exhausting. Meet someone, get hopeful, start liking them, then end up back at square one again.
I don’t think I’m a terrible catch. I’m quite a funny guy, I don’t think I’m horrible looking, although I am overweight and I know that’s something I need to work on.

At the same time, work is becoming another source of stress. I’m self-employed and things are drying up again, so I’m constantly worrying about money and what comes next. The problem is that the stress seems to completely kill my motivation and energy, which then makes it even harder to do the things that might actually improve my situation.

I woke up today after the latest dating disappointment and just had that horrible thought of, “What’s the point of trying so hard at all of this?”

I’m not expecting someone on here to magically fix my life. Sorry for the thought dump. I think I’m just in yet another rut and I’m exhausted from repeatedly trying to drag myself out of them. When does this peace start that everyone keeps going on about?

I cannot post exact details in here, but wanted to see what people say / what your experiences are?

Short history: Divorced for over 10 years, contact with children was sporadic dependent upon her schedule. for four years after divorce, I finally got the finances to get a place of my own, and she stopped contact. I went to court and got a contact arrangements order, which has been running for almost 4 years.

Now I had a new baby with a new wife, been married for a few years - very happy. After the birth, the contact with my children from my first marriage was stopped with false allegations / twisted events.

Social services called and closed immediately on the other parents concerns, police were called by other parent but nothing came from it - no issue.

Cafcass have looked into things and determined section 7 wishes and feelings. At FHDRA othersde threw more allegations - that I am physically harming children and a danger to my own child.

Further investigations - nothing came out and cafcass again recommend section 7, wishes and feelings.

In disclosures of reports, it is noted the other parent has said they want me on supervised contact and a new order and they hope for this to come through asap (this was at the beginning) and in response from an authority was reminded both parents have PR.

The other parent is now making a schedule of allegations and the court is to determine the way forward.

Now the approach I am taking is no allegations against the other parent, but for section 7 to be done.

I am assuming as no contact is happening with my kids, if any does get re-instated after section 7, it will be supervised / stepped contact at the childrens own pace.

Any thoughts / ideas - I am not taking the adversarial route as I believe that is not best for the children and they're old enough (teenage) to have their wishes and feelings heard, and for whatever contact they want to be respected.

My wife is suffering from serious ppd, so much so thst she moved home with our 1 year old about 2 months ago now (this is about 1200km from where I live and work).

I've been to visit 2 or 3 times already - got lucky with work projects in yhe area, so work covered the flights and I got to spend a week with then on 2 separate occasions.

A big part of the problem is that our little one doesn't sleep in his crib. He just refuses to. So when I'm there he sleeps with me and we cuddle and it is no problem, but his mom "gets absolutely no sleep" and is constantly "over stimulated" and so the moment I come back home the problems start again. The i hate being a mother, I hate that you've done this to me, blah blah blah.

And now she's not all to blame, I have my own issues. I have a lot of childhood trauma that I wont go into now, but I've done a lot of lying and it has lead to a lot of our problems (I am in therapy, working through it, getting better, but she says its too late).

I guess I just dont know what to do man. I can't imagine a world where my son has to grow up with a step father. He is my boy - he needs his dad, and I love both of them more than words can describe.

She has told me that she hates me, that she's done, that she will never forgive me, blah blah blah, and man I can't have that be the case.

I am just so lost 😭

While not the most pressing of topics, I thought this would resonate with many..

I was putting my clothes away and looked at the sad state of my wardrobe:

- 70% of clothes are tired and worn $10 specials, covered with paint and grass from house maintenance over the years

- 20% a couple of half decent shirts for work (office)

- 10% something vaguely passable for a night at the pub

And I didn't care. I guess as some stage I'll need to refresh and polish things up, but not now.

I think this is normal - our clothes become a reflection of ourselves, where we put the needs of others first. My priority has been the kids, the house, the STBWX...

To all the dads rocking 10 year old t-shirts and holey socks, you're amazing. Keep rocking!

These Saturdays with the kids really remind how broken my life is. I'm 36 and this time last year we were welcoming our 2nd daughter into the world. Now I'm a single dad with a 1 and 3-year old, watching happy couples at the splash pad while I try to caral my 2 kids solo. Off go the happy couples biking in a group... my sister and her family are off camping, 5 of my friends and their families went camping last week. I'm in the midst of asset battles with my lawyer and my avoidant ex's. She never even let me know we had deep problems until she discarded me like trash 9 months ago over email and hasn't shown a lick of grief or regret. It's like she's a robot.

Sometimes I almost feel better when my kids aren't with me half the week because I can walk, lift, sleep and get away from the broken family reminder.

I'm tired guys. I'm so full of grief still about my broken little family. I mourn a ghost. A terminator litigious robot who has left me broken and scared nobody will ever want to be part of the remnants of a life she left behind.

The resentment and sadness is overwhelming today. That's all... thanks for reading

It’s been a year since the separation and it’s been pretty messy. Court should be coming up at the end of September, and I’ve been fighting for 50/50 custody of my 4 year old son.

His mum told me last week that my son doesn’t want to be with me and that he’s only with me because he’s forced to. I’ve been doing everything I can to be the best Dad possible. I currently have him two days a week and alternating weekends. We seem to have a great time together, and I do my best to keep a regular routine for him.

There are times when he asks for his mum, which I’ve always thought was completely normal. He’s always been a mummy’s boy.

Tonight was different, though. I picked him up after he’d been away on holiday with his mum for a week, and on the way home he told me that he didn’t want to stay with me, didn’t want to go to my house and wanted his mum. He started crying and became really upset.

I usually take these kinds of things pretty well and don’t take them personally. But tonight it hit me harder because of what his mum had said and because I hadn’t seen him for a week.

It’s made some doubts creep in. Am I doing the right thing by fighting for equal time with my son if he doesn’t even seem to want that?

I guess I’m mostly looking to vent, but I’d also really like to hear from other Dads who have experienced something similar. Did your kid go through a period of strongly preferring the other parent? And if so, when did things change to the point where they were genuinely excited to spend time with you and stay at your house?

My wife and I are separating and planning to divorce (her choice not mine) we have a four year old daughter and she wants to move back to Colombia and I want to raise our daughter here in the USA. Anyone else dealing with this that can give me some insight, advice or at least some understanding? Thanks in advance!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but I watched a short today where Jimmy Carr said something that stuck with me.

“The opposite of grief isn’t happiness. It’s forgetting.”

And if you really cared about what you lost, you probably don’t actually want to forget it. A lot of guys here are right in the thick of grief.

Loss of the marriage. Loss of the future you thought you were going to have. Loss of love. Loss of identity. Loss of time with your kids. Loss of control. Loss of your home. Loss of friends. Loss of the person you thought you knew. Loss after loss after loss.

I’m over 10 years removed from my divorce now and I can tell you it gets better. It takes time and eventually some acceptance. But I don’t think it ever completely goes away either. You just learn how to carry it differently.

Grief isn’t linear. You can be doing great for months and something knocks you sideways for a day. A song. A memory. A holiday. A random dream. Your kid saying something. That doesn’t mean you’re back at the beginning. It just means some things still matter.

You can not want to be with someone anymore and still care about them. You can hate what happened and still want good things for them. You can forgive someone without giving them continued access to hurt you.

Acceptance also doesn’t mean saying what happened was okay. Sometimes it just means accepting that it happened and deciding what you’re going to do with your life from here.

Taking the high road is difficult, especially when you feel like the other person isn’t. But dragging yourself through anger, revenge, resentment or constantly trying to change how they feel usually ends up hurting you more than anyone else.

That baggage you’re carrying is yours now. That doesn’t mean you have to carry it alone. Feeling overwhelmed doesn’t make you weak or a bad father.

But at some point you probably already know what needs to change. If not, therapy is a great place to start figuring that out and unpacking some of it.

You can’t control her feelings. You can’t control whether she forgives you, loves you, regrets leaving, comes back or wants the future you imagined. The more energy you spend trying to control those things, the less control you have over your own life.

What you can control is yourself and the kind of father and man you become from here.

Start with the boring stuff. Sleep. Eat reasonably well. Exercise. Keep your house in order. Stay on top of work. Be there for your kids. Try not to use alcohol, drugs, hookups or anything else as a way to numb yourself. Get off social media if all it does is make you compare your life to everyone else’s or keeps you watching what your ex is doing.

Find healthy outlets. Therapy. The gym. Hobbies. Church. Sports. Volunteering. Men’s groups. Friends who will actually tell you the truth instead of just telling you what you want to hear. And build a life that isn’t centered around getting her back or getting even.

Your kids aren’t growing up in a “broken home” simply because their parents aren’t together. What they need is a stable, present and emotionally healthy dad. They don’t need you to be perfect. They need you to keep showing up.

Keep communication with their mom respectful and about the kids. Don’t keep trying to earn affection through gifts, favors or over-accommodating. Be kind because that’s the kind of person you want to be, not because you expect something back.

Give yourself time. When you’re in it, six months or a year can feel like forever. Ten years later it looks a lot smaller. You don’t have to erase that part of your life to build the next part.

Strength isn’t never struggling.

Sometimes it’s just getting up, going to work, taking care of your kids and making the next decent decision.

Don’t make getting her back the goal.

Don’t make revenge the goal.

Make becoming a healthy, stable, present father the goal. That’s something you actually have control over.

And if someone hasn’t told you recently, you are important, needed and never alone.

You’ve got this!

For context, my 2 young daughters (eldest is 4 and the youngest is nearly 3) know who I am. They do call me dad. I live in a different state (next state over, and moved partly for work and also partly for my safety). I also speak to them via videocall 2x a week, and fly to visit them every other month. But, they call me Daddy (my name).

It’s been a while they called me just ‘dad’.

My ex wife moved on pretty quickly after the separation (start of 2024) with her now partner (on the scene after several months). Anyway, my daughters call him Daddy Carlin, and me as Daddy (my name).

I had a pretty strong bond with my daughters before the separation; multiple friends and colleagues saying it’s disrespectful to not be called dad. At least for now, and while my daughters are having this concept ingrained onto the minds. If that makes sense.

Just wanting thoughts on if kids would find this confusing as they get older, if other people would also find it disrespectful if they were in my position.

For further context, my ex was an abusive narcissist that still makes my life hell as often as possible. I’ve spent thousands on lawyers fees on trying to get fairness in terms of custody and justice.

Have my kids this weekend. My son is 12. I was in my son’s room bringing him his clean laundry. He was cutting open a box with a knife. Yep, he cut himself. He yelled out and ran to bathroom. I followed him, I was probably 30 seconds behind him. He already had his finger wrapped in toilet paper, there was blood all over the floor and sink. He said “I need to go to emergency room.” We went. I live about 8 minutes away from hospital.

It was 10:30 at night and not many cars out. I put my flashers on and just ran the red lights (I stopped first, made sure no one was coming and went thru). Pulled up thru emergency, small parking lot looked full, parked out of the way and left my flashers on. We ran into the emergency room. There were a handful of people waiting; told receptionist my son cut his finger and it was bleeding bad. They took us back immediately. They wrapped it up good to try to stop the bleeding. It was a relief just to get him there and have them wrap it up.

On the way to the hospital I called my ex wife. She came to hospital as well but she lives 20 minutes away. When she got there I gave her my seat (small love seat type thing, fits 1 1/2 people).

Anyway, I saw it when they wrapped it. It was bad but not as bad as I feared.

Blood soaked thru his badges several times before they sewed him up. Before the doctor worked on him she insisted I sit down. I told her I wasn’t squeamish but she said it was always the ones who say they weren’t squeamish that pass out. She told me to sit by my wife which I did. But that was awkward; both what she said and the fact that she isn’t my wife. And the chair wasn’t really big enough for 2 people.

For quick background my ex cheated, lied, gaslighted, manipulated me. She was sexting and sending nudes to a guy in prison for sex trafficking, she plotted with him against me to try to entrap me, tried to manipulate me into committing suicide for my life insurance money (I found proof, confronted about it during mediation and she didn’t deny it), she went for 100% custody, parental alienation, and chose the high conflict divorce route. Divorce was final in May. Anyway, that’s why it was awkward.

He ended up getting 4 stitches. Thankfully the doctor said he didn’t hit a tendon. My son is very passionate about playing guitar; he has been playing for 3 years and has gotten really good. I was fearful that he had hit a tendon and would need surgery to fix it. And afraid his guitar playing days might be over. His goal is to form a band and try to make it big. Coincidentally our last name is the same last name of an extremely talented and famous guitar player. I was afraid his dream might be destroyed because of this. I was thinking of this but didn’t articulate my fears.

Anyway, he should be fine but it sure was scary. Before doctor sewed him up she gave him an oral sedative. I joked that we (his mom and I) needed one as well. It sure would have helped! I couldn’t show how scared, fearful and worried I was of course.

Anyway, we get back to my house around 1:30 in the morning. Got his room straightened up quickly so he could go to bed. Cleaned up the bathroom. My son did something unexpected. Now my son is a big young man already. I am 5’9”ish and my son is as tall as me (and he is just hitting puberty). I weigh about 190 and he has 30 to 40 lbs on me. He is slightly overweight but not much. He tells me he loves but can’t remember the last time he gave me a hug. Anyway, I was starting to walk out of his room and he said “Papa” came up to me hugged me and told me he loves me.

Definitely roller coaster of a night emotionally and in terms of what happened.

I did realize something important as well. Guys, we need to keep showing up and being there for our kids. They might not say anything or acknowledge it but they notice.

A little background, my daughter is 18 and in college and I never once checked her texts. She was always truthful and responsible and it was never an issue, even during the divorce. I have also never tracked my kids; I don't judge those that do and whether it's okay is another argument. My son is 15 and struggling with mental health. He is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and I'm doing everything that I can think of to get him help. He's been in PHP and we're changing schools to something less stressful. However he doesn't seem like the same kid: he's becoming shady, talking about drugs and dropping out of school, and even acting out. I know that he has some friends that he met from group therapy that are not in school and are on drugs. My concern is that they are feeding into his troubles. His mom thinks that it is a major violation in any way.

What are your thoughts Dads? I hate to invade his privacy but he is also talking about not wanting to live. I feel like I need to know if his friends are helping the situation or making it worse. And yes, I've tried talking to him about it but feel I'm not getting straight answers. I understand that snooping without his consent is not a good idea, but maybe having him show me or the phone goes bye bye?

For the men out there who have your children 50% of the time or more, still pay alimony and/or child support, coach or are active in your child’s sports and extra-curricular activities, play board games, read to them, take them on trips, do everything you can to make your children’s lives full and emotionally regulated, I salute you.

We are a new breed of men. We changed and adapted to an experience we didn’t have has kids. We didn’t allow the failures of our marriage to destroy us. We might not feel the best version of ourselves, but we still wake up and show up every day for our kids. You are amazing!

I’m just so proud to be a dad even if I failed as a husband. And hearing my daughter tell me everyday about how much she loves me is all I need to keep going. I hope you all who are in the same boat lean into the awareness that you are doing something almost no men have ever done before you. You are a rockstar and I salute you!

How can this help with custody arrangements? What proof do I need other than pictures of the pills and alcohol?