r/DivorcedDads

I feel like a failure and a loser. My life has been stripped from me. My STBEX told a mutual friend of ours she no longer loves me, has been checked out for a while and is no longer attracted to me. She also admitted she was just looking for a reason to end things. I have a 14 month year old with her.

I’ve done a lot of the things in the relationship that were unhealthy and not a sign of a good husband. But she also did the same and controlled me and tried to force me to be the person she wanted me to be. Not who I really am. I’ve had 10 people who all knew me and her all say the same thing. Idk how you deal with her. You’re a saint.

On Friday we separated and I got most of my stuff from the house. She is taking the divorce very lightly and acting like nothing is bothering her she actually even acted happy with a mutual friend of ours and was even making jokes about pursuing a trainer at her gym. Apparently today she was a bit more serious and quiet.

I still need to figure out child custody agreements. Because I’m a first responder I can only get my daughter at max every Wednesday night and every other weekend Fri night- Monday afternoon.
The idea of not living with my daughter is killing me.
She is also making lies about me that she knows are incorrect just to drag my name through the mud and is threatening that I won’t be able to be involved in my kids life if I don’t pay her house mortgage and child care even though I won’t be living there

How did you guys deal with this? Does it get better and if it did when did it start? I want to drink and take other substances to numb the pain but I won’t. It’s a battle in my head that I’m waging.

TLDR: i have a 14 month old who I love dearly and and a STBEX that is completely over me. When did things become better? When were you able to live again not in constant agony or like if your brain was going to rip in half? Did your exes ever realize that you weren’t that bad and wanted you back?

My child, 10, is encouraged by his mother to hide stuff from me.

For context, we still live together and are preparing for divorce.

Due to mistakes I did, the relationship with my child is not the greatest. We still get along well and spend time together, but he is not open to discuss his feelinfs with me. I know that's on me, and I'm working to repair my past mistakes.

The situation at home is not the greatest, since I was the one that opened the divorce topics with him, and I did it in a bad way at a time when I wasn't thinking clearly.

In the last period, I've noticed that he and his mother are hiding things from me. He has a phone, which is linked to my account, since he has restricted access to it. A few days ago, I wanted to show him something for school on his phone, and when he entered his password, he said I shouldn't look. But with his mother, he never did this.

And on another day, while we were cleaning his room, when putting stuff back on the shelves, I had a small notebook, which I haven't seen before, so I asked him what it was, and he immediately said it was private. Didn't think much of it, but his mother said it was a journal. Haven't looked inside, since I respect his privacy, so I have no idea if he really writes something in it.

But all this made me be suspicious. And unfortunately, what I came to find out is that he is being encouraged to hide things from me.

The mother is close friends with one of our neighbors, and one evening, while I went to a game, they went to the said neighbor, but told the next day, they were at gome that evening.

And I actually heard her telling him that he should go to bed because of me.

I am slowly trying to repair my relationship with my child, and am actually making progress, but I feel really betrayed by this.

For those that experienced similar issues, how did you navigate this?

I also feel betrayed by my child, but I know that the fact he's not so open towards me is partly my fault, not just the mother's.

We talk, but the most of the time, he just tells me about his games. Though that's not bad, I would love him to also talk to me about his feelings and emotions.

I haven't confronted the mother about her encouraging him to hide things from me, since I am afraid that this will only hurt me more in the divorce.

He is closer to the mother, since I worked overtime to keep the bills paid and she was unemployed for a long time, and worked only part time after our child started kindergarden, and also other bad moments from my side.

If I start a discussion with her about something, he always thinks I am the one arguing with her, and I am the one at fault.

I am really scared of losing him, so I need to thread very carefully.

Any advice is welcome. Thanks.

STBEX is asking for credentials for all marital accounts - she wants access to "all marital accounts."

What's been working for you?

What went horribly wrong?

If there's an account where it makes sense for her to have some access (insurance covering the kids), how have you handled that?

I'm definitely not going to:

a) put username/password in plain text

b) give her access if the website clearly says each person should create their own account.

I'm thinking just print off the documents and tell her she has to call them, so the agent can explain whether she gets to know stuff or not.

I've been going through some personal discovery and have had a run of hard times lately. I wanted to share a few things from some Stoic readings and videos that might help other dads who are struggling.

Some of these ideas are part of why I started this group years ago. I didn't really understand Stoicism then, but the concepts made sense to me. Take responsibility for yourself, help each other out, and keep moving forward even when things don't go how you hoped.

I work in a very high-stress role, and I often listen to Stoic videos on YouTube while winding down or trying to sleep. A lot of it comes back to accepting what's happening and figuring out what you can actually do about it. I'm still working on that myself.

A few things have stood out to me.

You can do your part and still not get the outcome you wanted.

You can't make the other parent see things your way. You can't make someone want a relationship with you. You can't guarantee that doing everything right will make things work out.

But you can decide how you handle yourself. How you talk to people, what you'll put up with, whether you keep your word, and how you show up for your kids. It's hard when you've put in the effort and things still fall apart. That doesn't mean you're worthless or a bad dad.

Accepting what happened doesn't mean you're okay with it.

You can be hurt or angry about how things turned out. You can stand up for yourself and set boundaries. Accepting it just means being honest about where things are so you can figure out your next step.

I think a lot of us are grieving more than the relationship. We're grieving the family life we expected, seeing our kids every day, and growing old with someone. That's a lot to lose. It takes time, but we still have a life to live, even if it looks different from what we wanted.

Try to catch yourself when you're filling in the blanks.

>“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”
>
>Seneca, Letter 13

I'm sure plenty of us know what it's like to replay a conversation, check the phone again, or lie awake thinking through everything that could go wrong.

Sometimes there's a real problem to deal with. Sometimes we're making guesses and treating them like facts. I'm trying to get better at asking myself: What do I actually know? Is there anything I can do about this right now?

If there is, do it. If there isn't, another hour of worrying probably isn't going to help. Easier said than done, I know.

Own your mistakes, but give yourself a chance to move forward.

If you messed up, own it. Apologize if you need to. Fix what you can and work on doing better.

But beating yourself up every day doesn't fix anything either. A relationship ending doesn't mean you'll never have a good one. Making mistakes doesn't mean you have nothing left to offer.

Don't wait until everything is sorted out to enjoy your life.

>“While we are postponing, life speeds by.”
>
>Seneca, Letter 1

It's easy to tell yourself you'll feel better once the divorce is done, the money is settled, or you meet someone new. Those things matter, but there will probably always be something you haven't figured out yet.

In the meantime, our kids are growing up. Call a friend. Get out of the house. Do something you've been putting off. Enjoy the time with your kids when you have them. Having a good day doesn't mean you're suddenly over everything. You're allowed to enjoy it anyway.

If you're interested, a few books to look into:

• The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman. Short daily readings, so it's easy to spend a few minutes with it.
• Meditations by Marcus Aurelius.
• Letters from a Stoic by Seneca.
• How to Think Like a Roman Emperor by Donald Robertson.

One line from a video has stayed with me: you're allowed to finish the day without finishing the future.

I liked that. You don't have to figure out the rest of your life tonight.

I'm still figuring this stuff out too. Some days I handle things better than others. Having people to talk to helps, and that's part of why this group is here.

Anyone else spent any time with Stoicism? Anything that's helped you or stuck with you?

Anyway, thanks for listening. Always remember, you have value, you're heard, and you're not alone. You've got this!

So, like the title says, my son found his mother’s sex toy. He told me tonight that he found a pair of “underpants with a fake penis.” Apparently it was for her “friend” who was visiting from out of state.

The “friend” is married, with a child, but she wants to divorce her husband as well.

This is deeply weird and I am not sure what to do.

We just finished a round of litigation she initiated (and lost).