u/EnvironmentalRate853

Hey dads

For those with multiple kids (3 or more) I’m curious how you have transitioned from a 2 parent home to a single parent home.

It’s hard enough parenting 3 kids with 2 adults. Different school start/finish times (eg before and after school activities), medical appointments, bed times etc require 2 parents to be fully engaged pretty much all day every day.

What things have worked to make it manageable after separation?

Looking for advice and perspective from dads who’ve been through custody/time arrangements.

Background: I’m in Australia. I’m still living under the same roof as my STBXW with our three kids, 12, 10 and 7. We’ve got mediation coming up in a few weeks, and I’m meeting with my lawyer next week to discuss strategy. We’ll both likely be moving out of the current area, so we also need to agree on a new school and location.

Here in Aus there’s no automatic 50/50. It’s all about what’s best for the kids.

My STBXW wants the kids 9 nights out of 14. I’m wanting 50/50. Part of that is because I don’t want to be pushed to the edge of their daily lives or become some kind of “weekend dad”. I want to stay involved in the ordinary stuff. School, sport, logistics, routines, decisions, all of it.

But the kids are also very attached to their mum. I’m starting to wonder whether fighting hard for 50/50 might put too much pressure on them, or damage my relationship with them if they feel forced into something they’re not ready for.

So I’m trying to separate what feels fair to me from what is actually best for the kids.

Less nights would mean more child support, but I can probably offset that by contributing less to other expenses. That part is annoying, but manageable. What bothers me more is the risk of being excluded from regular decisions and day-to-day involvement.

I’m starting to think there might be a middle ground where I accept less than 50/50 at first, let their mum carry more of the daily grind, and preserve my energy so I can be the best dad I can be on the days I have them. With three kids, I’d still expect to be involved on my “off” days anyway, especially with sport, school stuff and logistics.

So for the dads here who ended up with less than 50/50:

Did it harm your relationship with your kids? Were you still able to stay properly involved in their day-to-day lives?

Am I giving up too easily, or is this the kind of compromise that can actually put the kids first?

Not looking for legal advice. I’ve got that covered. Just keen to hear real-world experiences from dads who’ve lived it.

Just whinging…

Today has been rough, probably the toughest day I’ve had in the past few weeks.

I’m (50m) still living with STBXW with our three kids. I’m doing my best to stay calm, increasingly grey rock,and stick to my plan. Mediation is booked in a few weeks, so I’m trying to hold off on the bigger conversations until then rather than get dragged into arguments. Lawyer is paid and on standby.

The pressure is just relentless. I spent hours putting together a framework for how we manage expenses and accounts while we’re still living together, and it was received as me being controlling and manipulative. If I speak calmly, I’m told I sound robotic and condescending. Every thing she says changes again and again, and when I point out the shifting positions I’m ‘gaslighting’ her.

We’ve also got house works underway for a pending sale, so there are tradies around, rooms being moved, normal parenting, full-time work, financial admin, and the general stress of trying to keep the kids shielded from the adult side of things. Every time I do a job, another two appear.

Fortunately I’m not having to deal with false accusations or relocated kids, thank f!ck for that.

The funny thing this the STBXW thinks I’m dragging my feet to keep her chained to the marriage, yet she’s the one resisting mediation and financial depression.

Anyway, it’s the burden we all carry.

Massive shoutout to the fellas here. This group has been a saviour for me - your stories of staying calm, working to a strategy, document everything, avoid reacting, have been a major stabilising force for me. Not to mention the awesome stories from the other side.