u/ChippyChalmers

It's been 9.5 months since my ex sent me an email to end our marriage. She framed it as "needing time apart to think" but, alas, she never came home.

Our youngest daughter was only 3.5 months old at the time. Maybe she had postpartum, maybe she was avoidant, maybe she lacked emotional safety. I've gotten nowhere ruminating for 9+ months and realize my rumination is born from the lack of a coherent story as to why she left. We had a 3 minute argument one sleep deprived morning. Our toddler was in the room but didn't react. My ex stayed home normally for 3 weeks and then went to her parents for a "visit" then sent me the email.

Of course she blamed me entirely, called me controlling, emotionally abusive, gaslighting, manipulative (on the phone, never in person) and only after she left. I didn't even know we had deep issues but here I am, a manipulative, controlling monster. Her list of resentments she unveiled went back 5 years - I didn't take the garbage out one time, I was controlling because I didn't want her to use the sprinkler on the garden 3 summers ago because I was worried about our well water. She called Child Protective Services after she left... nearly a month since the argument. Deleted our photos, unfriending me, rejecting counseling, showing absolutely no grief or regret for destroying our young family, because as she said, she wasn't the one doing it.

I wasn't perfect, but who is? I would sometimes get frustrated due to work stress, or sleep deprivation and, upon reflection, due to feeling emotionally alone in the marriage for a long time.

• She didn't want to hold hands in public.
• She never once brought up anything she wanted me to change in our relationship - until "the email".
• I could sense her emotional distance especially after kids were born, but she denied it.
• Sometimes wouldn't look up from her phone when I entered the room. Just subtle hurts.
• She less and less would spontaneously hug me, or compliment me, or make me feel chosen. I would give her massages as she sat at the table, or I'd hug her from behind at the sink when she washed dishes.

I miss so much feeling like I was chosen. I grieve for the loss of security that I felt, that someone was in the house with me, that I had "made it", which meant I didn't have to search in the big world anymore for my person, meet their friends and family. I know I have to focus on myself and my kids, but my God this is such a lonely grind. I know I can meet somebody new, and it can be exciting, but I can't seem to shake the past.

There are things I truly miss about her: non-smoker, no tattoos, good mother to the kids, didn't yell at me, no signs of cheating, good job, good with her money, but I realize all that isn't enough. The girl who told me she was "obsessed" with me years ago when we met doesn't exist anymore. I'm now dealing with the other end of the spectrum - a discarding, cold, litigious stranger.

The sense of security was an illusion. I could meet a random woman tomorrow and she'd arguably be safer for my nervous system than my ex, but yet I miss her. I miss who I thought she was, and wonder if I'll ever get that sense of safety and completeness that I once felt. I miss her and my daughter arriving home to add noise to the empty house. Now it's just me, sitting in the silent house until my kids are back on Wednesday. I may never get those family moments ever again. A new woman may enter my life, but I'm afraid that emotional vacuum will just repeat itself eventually. If marriage, kids, and a history can't make someone give me a single session of counseling before blowing up our life, how can I trust it won't repeat?

Having a hard few days... sorry for the rant.

These Saturdays with the kids really remind how broken my life is. I'm 36 and this time last year we were welcoming our 2nd daughter into the world. Now I'm a single dad with a 1 and 3-year old, watching happy couples at the splash pad while I try to caral my 2 kids solo. Off go the happy couples biking in a group... my sister and her family are off camping, 5 of my friends and their families went camping last week. I'm in the midst of asset battles with my lawyer and my avoidant ex's. She never even let me know we had deep problems until she discarded me like trash 9 months ago over email and hasn't shown a lick of grief or regret. It's like she's a robot.

Sometimes I almost feel better when my kids aren't with me half the week because I can walk, lift, sleep and get away from the broken family reminder.

I'm tired guys. I'm so full of grief still about my broken little family. I mourn a ghost. A terminator litigious robot who has left me broken and scared nobody will ever want to be part of the remnants of a life she left behind.

The resentment and sadness is overwhelming today. That's all... thanks for reading

I'm 9 months post separation, 36 with 2 very young kids (1 and 3 years old), 50/50 custody.

I live in a pretty rural area, about 15 minutes from a big college town, 1.25 hours from a city (~ 55 miles) with population of 550,000. Don't want to sell my house as lots of my friends/family are nearby, as well as my kids. I don't mind commuting as I'm often in the city for work anyway.

I'm not ready to date, as I'm still struggling with grief off and on, but I'm slowly falling into a deep scarcity mindset that I'm hoping you guys can help me with.

Feeling like I'll be scraping the bottom of the barrel when I start dating: women with tons of red flags, single moms with hostile ex's or crazy kids, or childless women wary of my 2 little girls.

Haven't had sex in over a year because my baby was born and then my ex left. When I was single at 30 I had no issue getting dates when I lived in the city. Went on 7 dates with different women in 8 nights. Met my ex and became exclusive ... now here I am.

I've read some success stories online but my grief tells me those are outliers and I'll be alone for a long time unless I settle. Do you have any encouraging words? Am I making it out to be worse than I think? I'm already feeling pretty crap about it so please don't just add insult to injury.

It's been about 9 months since she left, and there are days that I feel like I might make it. But it's mostly because I'm focused on my case or my kids. In the back of my mind, I'm really scared that I'll never be able to fill the void of what was lost. Two kids, a wife, this beautiful home, and a beautiful community of friends—and I still have my kids half the time, and I still have the house and the friends.

But it's as if one of the legs of the table just disappeared, and the table is completely smashed on the floor. The sense of rejection is overwhelming. I didn't even know we had deep issues, and she's rejected counseling. She's just completely indifferent.

I've been grieving hard for 9 months, and I don't see a single tear from her. I've been gray rocking for 8 months, and everything seems so unnatural and wasteful. All the money we're spending on lawyers, the logistics, and commuting all the kids around—it's just agonizing. And for what? Because her emotions changed at some point that she never told me about?

Yeah, it is just an absolutely devastating loss. The trust issues I'm going to have are so overwhelming. I don't know if I'll ever truly get better. I just heard Tom Petty's Free Falling on the radio when I turned it on for literally 20 seconds and started bawling my eyes out because of the timing and the melancholic melody just crushed me.

A year ago today I was so excited to bring our second child into the world. Little did I know that 3 months later I'd be blindsided with an email to end our marriage. It was framed as her needing time apart "to think", after a verbal argument we had one exhausted morning a few weeks prior. I thought we made up. Guess not.

Looking back, I know she was 100% done when she sent the email. Platonic, cold, like a HR employee wrote it. Same formatting she's kept up for 8 months now. Zero grief shown, blames me entirely. I didn't even know we had deep issues and she rejected counseling outright. Said she didn't see the point. I guess 2 kids aren't worth it.

I'm still grieving so hard guys. I have so much resentment toward her. She's going after as much money, furniture, items, she can take. She's trying to move our kids (don't need to get into the legalities). It's insane how much my life has collapsed in 1 year because of her unilateral decisions. Not to mention my dad is sick and my dog is dying. It's so F'ing overwhelming.

The one person I would turn to in this moment of pain is the person causing it. Have to keep grey rocking the robot otherwise she'll use it against me with her bulldog lawyer.

I keep reading it gets better but I have my doubts. Permanent loss of half my kids life. Loss of my nuclear family. Betrayal trauma and moral injury- blamed for something I had no idea was festering. Zero communication from her prior to this. She actively deceived me with affection until she was out the door.

Sorry for the rant. Today is my baby girls birthday and I feel so alone. Their mom doesn't even seem to care about the loss while I'm devastated. Doing better but it's like crawling through glass.

Any words of encouragement would be great. If you're further ahead in your journey I'd love to hear. Thank you for being here, guys. I appreciate you all

We were married less than 3 years, have 2 kids, and I entered the marriage with a healthy sum of money which I earned entirely on my own. We never mixed accounts, and we only share a mortgage. We're about 8 months post separation.

In Nova Scotia, all assets (even pre-marital) are considered matrimonial, and subject to 50/50 division. However, due to our short duration marriage, the Matrimonial Property Act outlines an exception (s.13) specifically citing duration of marriage as a consideration for arguing it'd be "unfair or unconscionable" to split equally. Burden is on me to prove it though.

My lawyer sent her lawyer a letter over a month ago with extremely relevant case law jurisprudence and they just come back and say we didn't have a prenup. But the entire reason the exception (s.13) exists is for those who don't have a prenup, and the case law we provided them is a direct mirror image of my situation (similar duration marriage, 2 kids, husband retained all his pre-marital assets).

My lawyer can't give any guidance besides trying to work things out with her directly, which she seems open to, as she's frustrated by the cost/delay our lawyers are causing.

However, she says she just wants what she's "legally entitled to", all while completely ignoring that a trial judge may in fact conclude it's unfair for us to split my pre-marital assets.

It's coin flip if we go to trial, and will likely delay resolution for 1-2 years, cost us tens of thousands and erode our children's financial security.

I've already offered to split everything else 50/50, not touch her pension, as long as I can keep what I brought in. She isn't budging. We will likely have a phone call in the coming week but she rejected meeting in person because she said she doesn't think it'd be productive. She's the one who wants to work it out between us, but then says a meeting might not be productive?

Sure, we could seek mediation, but that's not binding. If I ask her how much she wants, she'll likely say "what I'm legally entitled to".

I'm seeking any strategies or frameworks to offer her.

It's been 7.5 months since she sent me an email to end our relationship. Two kids under 4, a beautiful home, 6 years together, gone. She blames me 100%, called CPS because of 1 argument, labelled me all these horrible things she never mentioned, dropped a 5 year resentment list, unfriended me, deleted photos, and went completely robotic co-parent pretty much overnight.

I'm so sick of the grief. Our 2 tiny kids just get their life shattered because one woman's feelings apparently changed, with literally ZERO communication that she was unhappy or wanted change?

Just done... for eternity. Such BS man. I'm so jaded about marriage and frankly relationships.

Our vows meant nothing. Loyalty was non-existent and I have no desire to place trust in another human being like that again just to potentially wake up one morning to another email or an "I'm not happy" like I hear so often on here.

I loved her so deeply and it counted for nothing. What's the point? I'm strongly considering becoming a bachelor for life and just focusing on my kids and casual sex until I'm in the ground.

Jaded, broken and exhausted.

It's been 7 months since she left with our 2 young kids (3yo and 10 mo, as of today). Custody is being worked out, but I can't seem to integrate the loss of the nuclear family.

Our beautiful home 2 minutes from 8+ friends and their kids. No money or health issues. Life was so easy and peaceful and now it's so complicated and painful. I don't know if I'll ever feel the sense of safety and home I once did.

Quick background so you know where I'm coming from:

• We barely fought. Some squabbles as married couples do.
• We had an exhausted argument one morning 8 months ago. I thought we made up. She stayed home normally for 3 weeks (attending my niece's birthday, bed time, affectionate texts, saying she loved me, etc.)
• Went to her parents house under pretext of a normal visit. Sent a loving "night baby we love you" text that night.
• Next morning, cold email, referencing our argument weeks before. Said she knew it was coming as a surprise.
• Call me manipulative, emotionally abusive, controlling - things she never mentioned once.
• Revealed a 5-year list of resentments, including me not wanting to take garbage out once.
• Called Child Protective Services because toddler was in the room during the argument (they closed the file in 40 minutes, but she didn't let me have overnights for 3 weeks until then).
• Unfriended me. Deleted our photos. Took our wedding photos down from her parents.
• Let her parents berate me while I held my baby at their home. Never apologized.
• Tried to pull our toddler out of daycare, I blocked it.
• Blames me 100%, no empathy, no tears, just a lawyered up logistical robot.

I can't stop the "why?", the "what if the argument never happened?" etc.

I did 25 sessions of therapy, EMDR, I'm in 2 men's groups, a divorce group, but I can't stop ruminating! It's getting better, I'm sleeping 8 hours a night, functioning at work, but I keep asking how could someone just detach so coldly without ever bringing up an issue about our relationship once in 6 years.

How do I get past this? I feel like I'll never get the life structure I had and my brain can't let go.

Only like 35 hours on it. Perfect condition.

I can't find many comps on Craigslist, FB marketplace etc. Plus those are just asking prices.

2 young kids. 10 months old and 3 years old.

Ex left 7 months ago. Sent an email. Called Child Protective Services because of a single verbal argument weeks prior. She acted normally for weeks after. I took our toddler to daycare, did bed time, bath time, etc. Every night.

Blamed me 100%. Zero empathy. Rejected counseling. Done. Fine.

But the weight is all consuming.

Broken family, she's lawyered up with a bulldog and going after my premarital assets. Going after school catchment. Trying to pull the kids to her parents town 45 minutes away. I'm not seeking legal advice. Those plates are spinning.

She's grinding me for child support while I grey rock to inch my time up with my baby while she tries to reduce my 50/50 time we've been doing with toddler since separation.

Not to mention keeping the house clean, 2 acre property mowed, bills paid (full mortgage, utilites, lawyers, 2 kids in daycare which I'm paying full for, child support etc.)

Then pile on the grief and loneliness. The resentment that she blamed me yet never tried. Living with her hostile parents who give her 24/7 childcare and free accommodations.

What's the point of it all? My kids with who I lose half their childhood? Might have to move and lose our beautiful community of friends with young kids ours ages.

Keep going I'm told. Why though? I'm not suicidal but I'm really starting starting be exhausted with zero joy or peace in 7 months ... screaming toddler who peed her pants on the floor. lol.. of course

Infant in my care for a few days tomorrow while I juggle working from home. My God man.

We had it so easy and she just blew it up and went robot mode. Sorry for the vent guys. So done

• Ex left the house 7 months ago when our baby was 3 months old.
• I've been doing 50/50 (3-4-4-3) with our 3-year old since then.
• I've had 24 overnights with our baby since their 6 month birthday.
• I've done 2-night stretches with baby since their 8 month birthday.
• I just had a 3-night stretch now that they're 10 months old. Zero issues. Sleep, eat and nap fine. No separation anxiety; they barely cry!
• My ex is "open" to 43/57 custody split in favor of her, which would give me 3 nights per week with baby and toddler, but said she doesn't believe it's in the baby's best interests right now because of their age and her being the primary parent.

I want equal time with my children, and here she is offering me reduced time with toddler (3 nights max instead of 4 bi-weekly), so to be aligned with the baby's max 3-nights she's willing to give me, but she's not open to any more than 2 nights per week "for the time being"

She stopped breastferding at 6 months.

Do I have a good chance to secure 50/50 if we go to court?

So it's almost been 7 months since she left, and I'm definitely moving in a better direction as I'm spending more nights alone at the house when the children aren't with me and moving along in the legal process but my God I'm frustrated at the pace of my healing.

It's just constant anxiety, even with the gym even when I have my kids there's just a low level despair and fear that I'll never be able to truly trust again, like I just lost my last pillar of trust with her. I was innocently in love and married her out of blind faith that having children and a history together would somehow get us through the hard parts. Being completely discarded via email, and seeing not a single tear from her in 7 months, just cold detachment, really sends a chill down my spine that I'll never truly feel at peace with somebody new nor have that sense of home and belonging that I had with her.

I understand that I actually wasn't safe, in retrospect, but that sense of coming back to dock at the home base was so special I really don't know how I'll get that ever again. My children are 10 months old and 3 years old and so I'm losing a substantial portion of their childhoods, part of me is envious of the guys who get divorced later in life because they actually got to see their children grow and spend so much more time with them.

I'm 36, so I understand that I have lots of life ahead but I feel like I messed up really badly you know... just something went tremendously wrong at some point and I've ended up in hell and wish I could go back in time so badly.

I just finished playing ping pong with some Chinese girl I met last week at a singles mixer. I wouldn't have gone out like that even 2 months ago so I know I'm progressing but I just can't escape this dark feeling of loss and permanence that I'm concerned will never truly go away.. that scar of my one chance to have that nuclear family that I just see all around me is An all-consuming reminder that we'd only get one shot at life and I just feel like I messed it up.

Heading back to my empty rural home, surrounded by my friends and their intact families. Don't see the kids again for 4 days. Feel like I failed.

It's been over 6 months since she left. Sent me an email. Blamed me entirely. Called Child Protective Services because of verbal argument weeks before. Dropped 5 years of resentments, called me controlling and manipulative and all this other stuff she never hinted at.

We have 2 kids (infant and a 3 year old) and she literally tried nothing to keep us together. Living at her parents now who now want nothing to do with me because of a one sided story she told them.

I may have to move 30 minutes away to keep 50/50. I may lose half my money. But I've definitely lost my only chance to have an intact nuclear family for my children. I don't know how I'll ever get fully better.

At the library now with my daughter and a guy walks in, wedding ring, 2 young kids, and I die again inside.

I can't get my head above water emotionally. Is the pain ever present to some degree? I'm broken forever?

It's been 6 months since she blindsided me with an email to end our marriage. I won't get into the details because it keeps me hooked to her and rumination.

When still together, I really enjoyed my solitude. If she took the kids to her parents for a night or 2 it was like a vacation. But I was happy because I knew they'd be back.

Now when I don't have the kids it feels like failure, because there's nobody choosing to come back to me.

Billions of people in the world and I've spent 36 years and still can't find one who sticks by me. Or even, who gives me the opportunity to repair. She just left and blamed me.

I see happy couples. Friends and their wives planning camping trips with their families. It feels like that normal life slipped through my fingers.

People say you need to learn to enjoy being alone but I always circle back to a feeling of being rejected. Chosen by her at first, seen for years, then rejected. I feel flawed. Hobbies. Friends. Children. Numbs the pain for awhile but a life partner is something nothing else can match. Someone who stays.

I feel like my healing journey would be expedited if I could remove the melancholy that arrives when I step back and realize I'm not chosen by anyone. My nervous system craves that romantic love and partnership

I think dating eventually will help. Abundance mindset etc. But it feels like an abandonment attachment wound I have. Not sure if there's reframing exercises or specific thoughts you guys can recommend to help me with these dark thoughts. Thanks brothers.

She left me 6 months ago. Looking back on my posts from the first few months I'm definitely healing. Cry less. See how disgusting her behavior is as opposed to blaming myself so much. I still battle with grief waves but they don't make me buckle to my knees and weep anymore. But when the sadness comes its quite disappointing. Feels like I'm stuck.

For those of you who don't know my story. We have 2 kids under 3 years old.

She left when our baby was 3 months. We had one exhausted argument one sleep deprived morning and she pretended everything was normal for weeks. Then went to her parents. Sent me an email and never came home.

She never brought up a single conversation about the state of our relationship in 6 years. Not once. Sent an email and then blamed me entirely. Unveiled a 5 year list of resentments about chore disagreements basically. Called me controlling and manipulative etc.etc. got her parents involved who then completely destroyed me verbally. She deleted all our photos, unfriends me on socials, rejects counseling, lawyers up. Done. Gone.

Who needs counseling or conversation when you can just destroy the family and blame the other person? Might have to move 30 minutes away once the kids start school my lawyer says. My life got nuked and I had no say.

I'm bitter. I'm hurt. I'm confused. But I'm still here.

I am going to a singles mixer next month just for the hell of it. Might jump on the apps later in the summer.

It hurts seeing all the happy couples now that summer is coming. Wedding rings everywhere.

I can only hope in 6 months I'll be even further along.