retroactive jealously or genuine red flags?
Retroactive jealousy from me [33f] or repeated trust issues from her [26f] - I can’t tell which it was in my last relationship
I (33F lesbian) dated a 26F pansexual woman earlier this year and I still can’t tell whether I was experiencing retroactive jealousy, or whether my intuition was reacting to genuine red/amber flags.
We met on Hinge, lived in different cities, and had an instant connection. Communication felt effortless and intense from the start. Our first date was amazing and we slept together that night.
Very early on, I made a mistake I regret and have learned from: I asked questions I shouldn’t have asked, including how many men she’d slept with and when she last had sex. I realise now that this fed my anxiety and created comparisons/images I didn’t need.
After that, there were lots of small things that kept making me uneasy:
\- she initially lied about when she last had sex; it was actually two weeks before we met
\- sending me a recent photo from a hotel stay where I could see a guy’s cap in the room
\- mentioning exes/flings frequently
\- saying she wished she still spoke to a guy she’d dated because he gave good advice
\- casually talking about condoms/lube in ways that triggered me
\- not being transparent about staying in contact with an ex who had previously made comments about her body
\- screenshots/photos where random guys appeared
\- hiding the fact a guy at work had given her his number, then messaging him the day after our second breakup and later going on a date with him
\- giving inconsistent explanations about why a long-distance ex had been insecure
\- admitting she tried to make me jealous by mentioning a “new boy” at work, then backtracking and calling it a joke
\- once while walking through a city with me on the phone, she pointed at a restaurant and said “oh we went there” before realising she’d actually gone there with a guy she’d dated, not me
Individually these things sound small, but together they made me feel constantly emotionally compared to men from her past.
At the same time, she also said:
\- she only saw herself settling down with a woman
\- she could imagine a future/living with me, unlike with men she’d dated
\- she thought she was a lesbian as a teen and had tried to come out years ago
\- if society had been more accepting, she probably wouldn’t have pursued men much
\- sex with men now actively repulsed her
\- her Hinge was set to women only
\- she came out to her mum again while we were dating
\- her fantasies/wet dreams were only about women
So now I genuinely don’t know:
Was this mainly retroactive jealousy that spiralled because I asked questions I shouldn’t have?
Or were there enough small dishonesty/transparency/boundary issues that my intuition was reacting to something real?