Since there aren’t many good treatment options left for my condition, my boyfriend started me on a ketogenic diet. I’m not sure if this try will make any difference.😅Anyway, I'm just thankful that he can grill a steak for me.🥹Has anyone here gotten their inflammation under control with a diet like this?
Recently, my dissociative tendencies have gotten worse than before.
There isn't a single cause. My boyfriend and I chose to start a business, and that decision sharply deepened the conflicts between me and everyone around me. They weren't attacking me as a person—they were attacking the fact that I didn't approve of their environment and the way they've lived their entire lives. That attack kept building up until I got sick (my asthma worsened), and then it all exploded. In the end, I cut off everyone except my father and my boyfriend.
Then came the problem. Of the two people I kept—my father lives in his own fantasy; when he looks at me, he sees a character in his script. My boyfriend's logic is an anchor, but he can't hold emotional weight. Neither of them can help me confirm "who I am" on an emotional level. I used to have my mother—she would threaten me with retaliation and withdrawal, but at least she had real emotional entanglement with me. The hate, the need, the resistance—all of that at least helped me locate myself. Now that's gone. Both mirrors reflect no desire. I'm suspended in between.
Asthma made this even more concrete. I started becoming abnormally sensitive to air—not just ordinary sensitivity, but the kind that leans toward persecutory delusion: the feeling that the air itself is attacking me. But I can catch myself when this tendency appears. I know I'm veering off, and I try to correct it. The hard part isn't recognition—it's integration. After I correct it, the fragments are still scattered; I can't piece them back together.
Fortunately, my boyfriend is helping me with the integration work on the side. This might be the only thing holding me together right now.
Financially, it's a real trap. We're in the start-up phase with no stable income. I need a good environment (clean air) to recover from my illness, but leaving a polluted city costs money—a physical trap. Under these circumstances, finding psychological counseling is very difficult. I can't afford professional psychoanalysis. I tried low-cost counseling twice, and both times it caused secondary harm. Not because the counselors were malicious, but because their framework simply couldn't hold my situation. I can't bring myself to try a third time.
What I want to ask in this post is: Is there anyone else out there in this state of "knowing I'm dissociating, being able to self-monitor, but unable to integrate"? Has anyone found a way out of a similar predicament that doesn't involve psychotherapy?
I've been living on a totally flipped schedule for a while. Finally got back to a normal daytime routine, but then I was feeling down last night, and today I slept in till noon. Now I'm kind of worried that my wake-up time might start drifting later again.