17 and dont have a single friend
im 17, i do online school and 2 jobs. Everyone at my jobs is older than me and has their own cliques. Since I was 12 i have had not a single friend, no one to hang out with, no one to talk to. Everyday when i get home from work i do nothing, i feel empty. I stare at my wall with a blank face or scroll on my phone watching tiktoks or videos ive already seen. I cant see myself making a friend, or getting a girlfriend for that matter. I don’t think im objectively hideous but i have so many insecurities and i hate myself.
I made some online “friends”, every once in a while i talked in general chat of a discord server or joined vc to play a game, thats all ive ever had, even then ive never been anyones first choice, to talk to anyone I have to be the one to reach out. Online relationships dont feel the same as real friendships i dont think, but i cant remember. I sound dramatic and moody but this is the least dramatic way i can think to describe my situation, i genuinely can’t remember what it feels like to have anyone but me to rely on. its so tiring and i feel so heavy.
I see people online talk about having fake friends, or not “real relationships” and Im jealous of those somehow. I cant find anyone with my experience.
What I wouldn’t give to have somebody near me to just talk to, or just sit with.