Losing the love of your life because you weren't ready.
Me (22M) and my ex (22F) dated for a year, we loved each other very deeply and it was beautiful, we had a lot of ups and some downs. The issue was I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t emotionally strong, I got in my head so much that some days I’d be cold and unwilling to just admit that I wasn’t okay. But throughout all of that she accepted me and loved me, and I kept saying I would change but I couldn’t. And that is that hardest pill I ever had to swallow, I was so much in my own head that I felt like I lost the love of my life. I’d be distant with her, she’d try to show me things she was interested in, and I was so deep into my own head with anxiety and self worth issues that I dismissed her. And it hurts me so badly knowing that, and how much I could’ve done better.
She broke up with me two days ago, it was a very caring and supportive breakup, but that’s kind of what makes it hurt more. We cried and hugged and she told me this wasn’t goodbye forever and that we just needed a little time to grow. She said she would always be so proud of everything I accomplished, everything I would do and that she still loved me so dearly. And during that breakup for once in my life I sat and listened, I didn’t try to bargain, I didn’t try to change her mind and I didn’t shut down. I listened. And I told her that she was always my person, and that I know I have issues I need to work through, I apologized and told her that this wasn’t her fault, and that it’s not that I couldn’t improve with her, I was too deep into my own mind to improve myself, I had grown too comfortable. We hugged and smiled and she held the necklace I got her and said she’d always wear it, and that she’d know I’m doing better. It was strangely beautiful, but of course it hurt.
I couldn’t eat the first day, couldn’t sleep. I spent countless hours crying and reliving all the times I made a mistake, all of the times I could have changed but didn’t. I kept asking why I couldn’t have just put in some effort. But I know why, I was too comfortable. I spent all my life inside my own comfort that I never felt like I could leave it. And deep down I knew this needed to happen. It’s been a few days and whilst yes it hurts so badly, I’ve started making progress little by little to improve myself. I’m beginning therapy next week, my friends showing me how to cook for myself and I’ve begun cleaning and going on walks. Appreciating the small things I ignored before. Of course it’ll hurt for a while, and I know that. But I’m also ready to be better for me. Regret is something that hurts, but it’s how you deal with it is what matters.
We’re on no contact right now, it’s what best for us. She said she wouldn’t be opposed to trying again in the future when we’ve made progress within ourselves, and that she will always still love me, it just wasn’t working at that very moment. And I have hope we can be together again, it was the kind of love you only get once. Hope isn’t a bad thing, but expectation is. I’m not expecting to get back together, because what kind of growth would that be? I’m focused on me, but knowing she’s with me in my heart is giving me the strength I need.
I had the choice to move back home, but I didn’t. Because I knew I would go right back to the way I was before. So I’m living with a friend, paying rent, learning to live with others and picking up the right habits of cleaning and cooking. Sure break down, but for her and for me I pick myself up. I wrestled alot with how long no contact should go, and nobody ever knows. I know I want to message her everyday, but I know I need to be strong and face my issues head on, give myself a couple of months to be me, and to learn to love myself through therapy and other ways of improvement. She said it wasn’t goodbye forever and that we needed a little time, and more and more everyday I’m starting to agree.
I miss her of course and I love her so dearly, but that love is what drives me to be better for once in my life. Some nights it’s hard, I felt like I had it all and I threw it away because I wasn’t ready. But I’ll still be trying.