Trying to improve as a writer. I know I’m using the em-dash too much but how does this scene grab you? Do you want to learn more?
For context, after this scene we’ll cut back to the beginning of the story. It’s designed to provoke questions.
Several of you read and gave helpful feedback on my robot scene yesterday. Last night I sat down and spent a few hours reading scripts. I realized that some aspects of how I’ve approached writing are not helpful. I over-direct.
This is my attempt to fix the problem. It’s 5 pages. I know I am using the em-dash too much but let me know how this feels. Are you interested? Do you want to read more?
Quick note: after this scene the film will cut back and give context to what’s happening. I wanted to open with an action scene to set up some combination of true and false expectations.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/16ogVDxmwsnWDBHBFJ\_NWNfFtJNAoKDlo/view?usp=drivesdk
Essentially, does this make you want to keep reading?
EDIT: I am really trying to be more open to feedback. I’ve been teaching myself to write scripts so I don’t know my own blind spots. I have spent a good portion of the day reading some scripts and I totally rewrote the opening scene. This is a first draft and I know I use the em-dash too much, but I would love you to read both versions and share your thoughts.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/16ogVDxmwsnWDBHBFJ\_NWNfFtJNAoKDlo/view?usp=drivesdk
I am at the stage where feedback would be really valuable. I am specifically wondering if some of the late-script transitions translate well.
Title: False Witness
Length: 82 pages
Genre: Drama/Horror
Logline: In a devout 1950s community governed by fear and quiet coercion, a judge overseeing the persecution of a young woman descends into a surreal moral nightmare beneath the very system he perpetuated.
I would be happy to swap scripts with someone as well.
Title: False Witness
Length: 85 pages (Feature)
Genre: Horror, Drama, Surreal
Logline: In a devout 1950s community governed by ritual and fear, a judge overseeing the persecution of a young woman begins unraveling beneath the same system he perpetuated.
This is my second draft with some revisions. I know it’s not perfect, but I want to see how the piece translates to others. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, and I’m happy to swap scripts if someone would like feedback on their work too.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UVxb70eKYHkXCOc5pPbZZdFSoz9BzIY2/view?usp=drivesdk
For context, I have been writing horror spec scripts for a few years, honing my craft. I recently decided to submit one of my short film scripts to a festival. The submission included some thoughts for free from the first reader.
Today I got my reader response. And wow, I have written things people didn’t love before. But I’ve never written something worth hating. Their thoughts included phrases like:
“It’s very off-putting.”
“There needs to be character and story development.”
“It has no plot and no arcs.”
“Who do we root for?”
Needless to say, I’m a bit tickled. There was some good criticism too, but this is the first time someone has responded so negatively to my work. At least it generated a response besides boredom.
I just finished the revisions on the second draft of this script. I would appreciate feedback on how it reads, what points feel like they’re too alienating or slow to keep interest, and whether the emotions of the piece come through.
Genre: Horror, Drama
Logline: In a devout 1950s community governed by ritual and fear, a judge overseeing the persecution of a young woman begins unraveling beneath the same system he perpetuated.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UVxb70eKYHkXCOc5pPbZZdFSoz9BzIY2/view?usp=drivesdk