r/scriptwriting

Hi everyone,

I'd love an honest read on a feature I wrote: THE DEFENDER, a family tragedy / crime drama, 97 pages.

Script: https://blcklst.com/projects/239212

Logline: A small-town sheriff wears two masks — only one is iron, and he swore he'd buried it for good. He never stopped waiting for a target he could call justified. A paroled sex offender gives him one, and he uses his own family's tragedy as cover to take it.

Three Black List evaluations came back in the 6–7 range. I'm not disputing the scores. What interests me is that readers engaged mostly with the vigilante plot (the offender, the mask) and asked for more of it. I wrote that plot as a justification: a relapse story hiding inside a vigilante film. The real story is father and son: the boy asks him to look, more than once, and each time something else takes priority.

Before any explanation, a blind question: after the first 15 pages, what do you think this film is about? And if you finish it: has your answer changed?

Where does the second story fail to surface for you: structure, emphasis, or something else? Any feedback is welcome, including harsh.

Thanks for reading!

This is an update to this post. A lot of the talking points there are repeated here.

Hey, I'm Jay Desmond, an amateur screenwriter.

This has been my pet project for 7 months, and now I've made it to the end. I've written a 1-season, 12-episode adaptation of Dracula, titled "Fresh Hot Dracula" (I explain the title later down below).

This is a version of the story that aims to prioritize novel-accurate character building, while also proving that it's possible to include major differences to the story without compromising the elements that made Bram Stoker's original vision so strong. 

Like I said last post, I've been doing this partially just for the sake of makin' art, but I do also have some crazy unrealistic dreams of makin' it big as a screenwriter and potentially having stuff like this, and many other things, turned into an official project one day. But even if it does happen, those days are far ahead of me and I would like to get some critiques from Dracula fans themselves to see what exactly is wanted in an adaptation of this story. Every episode is a first draft so far. 

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Now, just like last post, you might have read the title and are wondering why exactly I'm calling this Dracula "Fresh" & "Hot".

Well, this goes back to those other screenplays that I've been making. My main project, one that I'm keeping private, are part of a raunchy, vampire-slasher film series directed towards young adult gay men (like myself), that I've titled "Fresh Hot Blood". 

And the idea is that if Fresh Hot Blood becomes real first and takes off, then this Dracula series could become a spin-off that takes place in the same world. And these 12 episodes could be the first season of an anthology titled "Fresh Hot Vampires", where each season covers a different classic Vampire (so if season 2 was about Carmilla, that season would be called "Fresh Hot Carmilla").

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So with all that out of the way, I hope to hear from the community.  If you're truly interested, comment below a request for me to DM you the google drive links to the first drafts for all 12 episodes. As with all first drafts, they're far from perfect, but that's why I want feedback. Thanks. 

(Content warnings; gore, sex, male nudity, SA, everybody is bisexual & polyamorous, the like)

Hi, I wrote a short sci-fi script.

Logline:When a black hole threatens our planet, a soldier must team up with an unlikely ally to save the world.

Link:https://drive.google.com/file/d/1wDTszz\_1HBMmRPIgM0r52tqpqHjTUMu2/view?usp=drivesdk

Thank you for reading this!:)

Has anyone had an actor or their representatives ask whether you’d be open to feedback or changes while they were reading your screenplay? If so, what happened next in your experience?

Hey everyone, I am a 19 M, and I want to be a filmmaker. I used to write stories and scripts. I can convey what I need to while writing, but coming to the main issue is i am afarid for shring the scripts with people because of my garmmer is weak, like i use to write the script in normal english where everyone can understand it easily, but if there want it in perefect english definitley they would be a lot of garmmer mistakes in the screenplay, due to it, I use to get afraid of the things to share, like what people use to think and with-in my slef I starts to overthink like if you have a lot of grammer mistakes in the script or story then you are not going be a film makers or not capabile in film making.

This haunts me every night, and I used to get afraid of it. So please, can anyone help me with this?

Im just a teen and my vacation going on from college so i thought maybe let's make a short film with my 12yo sister

No budget, no people

So the story i was think is something like

A short film about how movies shape the way we experience our own lives.

The protagonist is a 12-year-old girl, played by my sister. I shoot, direct, and provide the voiceover.

The first half, bgm- A Lovely Night from La La Land, is fun, energetic, and filled with movie references. Shes wearing headphones, Ordinary moments like walking, eating, looking out a window, or sitting alone are transformed into cinematic scenes inspired by different films. For example when she's in lift the voice over in that scene be like "i love the smith's" from 500 days of summer

Then maybe while roaming in park she thinks about being an avenger

Then a small dance sequel from lala land

First rule of fight club we don't talk about it or oh captain my captain

These dialogues in voice over form

Then the music fades, leaving a brief moment of real-life silence, before transitioning into Jeff Buckley’s Lover, You Should’ve Come Over.

The second half becomes quieter and more introspective. It explores what happens when we start expecting real life to have the timing, meaning, romance, and endings that movies give us. The same ordinary places from the first half now feel completely normal.

Eventually, she realizes that movies were never meant to teach us how life should look. They taught us how to notice it.

Maybe I don’t need my life to be a movie. Maybe I just need to be there for it.

Something like this

I need suggestions on how to improve it

And im not a writer so writing the voice over is hard for me

I'm open to all advices

:)

I have a character who speaks primarily in Spanish, and some of the meaning/wordplay would be lost if I wrote the dialogue only in English.

For lines where I want the reader to see the actual Spanish as well as understand the subtitle, what’s the preferred screenplay format?

Would you use dual dialogue, with the Spanish on one side and the English subtitle on the other, or keep the Spanish dialogue normally formatted and put the English translation underneath/in a parenthetical?

I’m trying to keep the script readable without essentially making the reader read every line twice.

If I ever dare to write a show script where the hero is a film Star (not the Rk (loved Vivian in that though!) from Madhubala, not that toxicity) and he have to offer the Job of his Manager to a girl whose career got ruined because of him due to false and totally unasked for media scandal, and they go from not understanding each other to actually slowly developing feelings for each other. Would you like to watch that show? And no, and i am being sincere the female lead ain't doing rona dhona 24/7 and the male lead torturing her mentally, nah it is not that, i ak myself tired watching those trope since childhood. Plus the second couple too, where the second female lead is the Film Star and the man she falls for is the brother of the Female Lead.

• Title: MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD!
• Format: Feature
• Page Length: 95
• Genres: Horror/Slasher
• Logline or Summary: When his best friend dies in a "freak accident," a shy teen photographer and his unlikely allies hunt a crime boss and his masked killers, but the closer they get to the truth, the more bodies pile up.
• Feedback Concerns: I'm worried about any inconsistencies with maybe the time period.
• Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1wpCho2X4lUNAiRp-SpQNBa8uuJ8FORQf/view?usp=sharing

Just finished my second draft of this script for my Directing Class. I appreciate all the feedback I got from you guys last time. My professor and classmates gave me some notes regarding the ending and some of the dialogue, so I tried my best to address and would appreciate any and all feedback on the current version of the script.

Title: The Group Chat

Format: Short Film

Page Length: 8 pgs.

Genre: Comedy, Drama

Logline: A young man spirals after discovering his friends have a secret group chat without him.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/18B17uc08lh-4X-nhUZpN1FM-QfQ5NlP8/view?usp=drivesdk

Feedback concerns: Does the tone feel consistent? Does the story/dialogue flow well and make sense? Is it structured well?

Thanks!