u/Independent-Fig-4464

Help. I have been writing this manuscript for my movie for a while now, and the main issue i've had was writing the entire concept and meaning of it. I was terrified no one would get it, but it is finally falling into place for me. But the fear of nobody understanding it still stays.

So that leads me to my main issue. The dialogue is absolute trash. I mean, it doesn't sound natural. All i'm doing is explain what I want to say with it through my characters. It just turns into a super cringe preachy lesson, and they're all saying "I feel like" or "I can't keep pretending anymore, i'm not good enough". But honestly no one talks like that. It's like I forgot how people even talk.

It's so hard because the character is supposed to say what they feel for the first time but they're also supposed to be met with dismissal, and eventual understanding for eachother. Fuck my head hurts even thinking of this.

I am cursed with being surrounded by people who do not support me. So I often times choose to be alone. And honestly, I am pretty content with it, I find a lot of fun things to do. The struggle is, that it is actually very lonely. Especially since I started being lonely not by choice, but because no one wanted to hang with me.

My parents are not particularly nice people either. I struggle a lot living with them and I can't find the money to move out.

I do have a small support system, with 3 friends I actually like being with which I am extremely grateful for. But I have a history of being left by my friends because they found other friends, or life got in the way and so on. I am so scared people will leave me and I wont find new ones. As soon as I graduate from my college, and I work in a creative field, how the hell do I find people that are not toxic? Where do I find people? I am too exhuasted and burnt out to work, and I heard its a struggle to find friends there. I don't know how to get my creative career started. I don't have the money to travel.

My only experience as of now are toxic people, and now one of my only trusted friends on this college is telling me how they are going to have plans on moving and doing so many things, and he has his own little friend group. I am not sad about him leaving me specifically, I am actually a bit miserable with him. But I do not want to be alone again. I am terribly scared of everyone leaving me and that is all that people do all the time. Why is it so hard? It has resorted to my only space talking to people being reddit, or the internet in general. It's so depressing.

I am concerned for my mental health and after a while reaching out to people gets exhuasting.

I crave this deep authentic connection because sadly I see past the surface level stuff too fast, and no i'm not saying this to sound cool, i'm just neurodivergent, so those friendships just do not fullfill me.

I have goals and dreams, but what's the point if you do it all alone?

How is everyone so good at this life thing and socialising. I feel like it's justified of me to be scared when all people have done in my life is leave me. To be honest, I don't know if I actually like being alone. I am trying to become content with it. I have no choice.

I do not have the social skills to get a big friendgroup. It's just about time before all my friends leave me. It's something that is natural in life and I accept it, but I am scared.

Maybe I am self sabotaging here and struggling often leaves you not feeling like you have more options, but right now, it is looking dark.

And i've heard the friends you get in school are the only ones that stay. I do not want that to be the truth but that is exactly what has been happening to me lately.

I hope this post truly belongs on this thread. I just wanted to see if there are other people relating to this.

I have always had this issue. I am not in any way an experienced writer.

And yes when you feel anxiety over writing, you should just write, even if it ends up bad. Totally agree with that.

Maybe I am a very self-critical person but I always hated what I write. Obviously there is something I like, usually the idea itself. But I hate people seeing it. I hate how words on a paper define how good I am. I watched the movie "adaptation", a very good depiction of writers block and the anxiety of a writer. But Kaufman turned that anxiety into a masterpiece. Your problems truly only are valuable when you produce "good art".

I struggle to find that inner confidence. Sometimes I wonder if I have gotten too much praise on what I have written in the past, that I am afraid to fail now.

My biggest fear is no one understanding what I have written. Or them misunderstanding completely. I write mostly for others, atleast what I imagine others like, and that is also usually when I like it the most too.

I have banned myself from anyone reading what I have written except my teacher when it is a work in progress. The anxiety could just send me into a shock.

No one actually cares about it as much as the writer itself. When the work is produced, it's just a blip in other people's lives. Yet for me it is everything. I do not have tough skin, and I am a frail person afraid of criticism.

Art is about expressing one-self, but there is just so many goddamn rules. Otherwise the story sucks. I hate critique even if it is very important. I hate the fact that several people will see what you have written, some saying its exceptional, some saying it is awful. I despise people percieving me.

Does anyone relate? And what do you do in these situations? Where does the line really go between writing for yourself, and writing something good. And how are you supposed to keep that balance.

Sorry if this post is cringe.

To start this off, I am not romantically interested in this guy. So sorry this isn't going to be a cute love story....

As soon as he met me I felt suspicious. Like something in his eyes or some comments he made but I brushed them off, bc he started acting normal quickly. We go to the same school and I didn't really like him at first, but I warmed up to him.

We became a bit closer and he was actually a pretty good friend. Caring and so on. But on a school party it got a bit weird. Everyone was laying down in this sofa and he lays next to me holding my hand. I tried laughing it off, because everyone is drunk and it doesn't mean much. But then my friends started pointing out that he follows me everywhere. And shipping us as a joke.

I started taking a distance, but seeing him clearly hurt by it I didn't want to ruin a friendship by some weird assumptions and we were friends again. Again, at a few parties when we were drunk he sometimes reached to hold my hand and it made me really confused. But I just politely put it away.

This entire friendship I had been telling him, I don't like anyone, even hinting at liking a completely other guy, talking about how I hate relationships and so on and he listened and completely understood. I didn't say it on purpose or anything, it is just how I feel.

He started saying I am cute, texting me, calling me, talking for hours, having "deep talks". At one party I fell asleep drunk waking up realising I have been holding and hugging him for atleast 2 hours in the sofa and I was wrapped in his arms. I laughed it off realising how weird it is, and walked away quickly and he just smirked at me and went home after. He keeps coming where I go, complimenting me, he helped me unpack from my trip once until like 7 in the morning. He gave me medicine when I was sick, he just always does shit for me I didn't ask him to do.

The reason I thought it was nothing is because he has talked about liking my friend before and behaving similar to my friend. But also my friend said whenever they hang out he asks about me and why I didn't join and if I like anyone.

But again, to the contradictary part. He told me after school once that we needed to talk.

He seemed pretty nervous, and said that he thinks, that I think, that he likes me.

I confirmed that yes that is what I think and he said that he does not like me. And we talked a bit about it and that was unpacked. Day after that he helped me unpack and clean everything in my room until 7 am, for like 12+ hours.

So like i'm just wondering, what do I believe? Either he is a crazy loyal friend which might just be hard for me to believe or hes yeah.. interested.

But like another thing is he asked to hang out, and we went and walked in the park, talking about the future, having kids, relationships, and struggles. And then hung out at his house talking sitting close to eachother in the sofa. It's just hitting me now how much it sounds like a date. I really didn't think that far how it could be interprited because I had so much fun just talking with him.

I can't really assume that he likes me anymore because he told me he doesn't, but if I act like it's nothing, it wont work because it is still bothering me. Is this even a friendship that will ever work? Or am I making this all up in my head?

When I wrote my feelings on social media once, someone reported my post and it got sent to the authorities, and the police came at my door, knocking and banging, forcing it open with keys and inspected my room and questioned me. It was a routine they had to do because they had been told I am a suicidal person.

I feel like it's just pointless to tell anyone anything. Even writing this. My desire to be understood will never match up with this world. There's just not really anyone to tell your feelings about.

I miss this one old woman though, on the suicide hotlines when I was really struggling. She spoke so softly, told me how mych better i deserved and that she wishes my pain to go away. She was really nice. No one has ever talked to me like that before.

But otherwise, there is really not anyone to talk to. Everyone says its so simple, but therapists are actually terrible listeners in my experience, parents too, and friends. Fuck. I don't even understand how people deal with this. Because if anything a struggling person needs is other people.

Something that also scarred me is how much more people care when you're on the verge of death, otherwise they couldn't care less. That police shit traumatised me and I don't wish that on anyone, even if they had legitimate reason to do so. It would've been nicer if they actually listened to me in therapy in the first place. All that saving from suicide is just putting a bandaid on an open wound.

I hate when movies get so abstract you barely get them. I really want to write a movie that people get, but that isn't completely mainstream either.

Whenever I explain my movie people do not get it. And that rings some warning bells in my head. Some tell me that as long as I understand it, it doesn't matter. And everyone will have different viewpoints watching a movie. All true but, i'm terrified of no one understanding anything. I'm not trying to sell myself out, I just want people to get it, otherwise people wont even want to make it.

The movies point is that nobody gets you and you aren't accepted unless you are what people want you to be. Which makes it a little ironic.

Anyway. Just needed to write out my thoughts to calm my anxious brain. I am really grappling between the line of following cinemas rules and making a great movie or making something for yourself. It's starting to get to the point i'm questioning my entire ability to create movies or if i'm even made for this. It is sending me into a spiral.

It's something that got me wondering. It's not my first time coming to a conclusion like this either.

It's funny because I observed something lately, that being alone with my thoughts stressed me out, and when I unleash those thoughts to someone, even if that person barely understood even 4% of it, I instantly feel relieved.

But that's not fully my point. It just got me thinking how I am often stuck in my head with certain thoughts and they rarely actually mean anything. Like things stress me out. Politics, my body, my health, money, career, friends, my past, the future.

Wow profound realisation no one has ever gotten to. Ofc everyone gets this, but how much are we actually distracting ourselves from the boredom in ourselves to the point we start coming up with problems that really only exist in the human mind and nowhere else?

Anyway I hate this part of me. That most of my decisionmaking usually comes from having nothing to do. That's why so many people have too much work on their plate, because slowly they will realise how fucking boring it is without the stress and distractions.

But i'm really not trying to say it in a way that nothing matters. It's more like, people should really think about what they spend most of their time on. And how big companies and people in power actually exploit that.

Most problems are made up by humans, and while you might think some problems are impossible to fix because "that's just how it is" it's just not true. And no i'm not trying to say "being poor is just a mindset" obviously there are some things out of our control. I'm just saying that boredom is kind of powerful. You get to do something you actually wanna do. If everyone accepts something to be one thing, it is going to be exactly that thing. Your mind is a powerful thing.

Be bored.

I don't understand how people do it. I have such an easy time critisizing myself, fixing my mistakes or making sure I do no wrong. Then I found out people are living their lives thinking they are right when they say something, respecting their own boundaries and not constantly questioning their own every move.

It's so easy to manipulate me and stomp all over me. It has caused me to go down a depressive spiral and doubt my entire existence. I have realised only now, that it's not that i'm useless and everyone hates me, I just don't set my foot down to people who don't deserve my time. And that i'm just as worthy as anyone else to speak up and I don't need to apologise when my life goes well.

But it's nothing I truly believe in. I fold so easily because I feel bad for people, I doubt myself and i'm probably protecting my ego and avoiding conflict.

I have to seriously convince myself i'm good enough and deserve to speak up every single day now that i've realised how insecure I am. It feels like i'm convincing myself to believe in unicorns. I hate being an inconvenience. And it makes me isolate because anywhere I go people expect things from me.