u/JuggernautLeather224

My husband and I have been together 15 years this summer. We’re in our mid 30’s, got together when I was 18 and he was 21, married about 7 years after dating. I’m going to be pretty vulnerable here and say I had NO relationship experience before him. Prior to meeting him, I kissed a couple guys and went on a few dates - that’s it.
I mention this detail because I am aware I have no relationship experience to go off of so I struggle a lot to know what is and is not typical in relationships.
Our first few years together were definitely immature. We drank and partied with friends, didn’t make bills a priority and had a car repossessed, got evicted once, had a couple utilities shut off.
However, as we grew, I feel I got my head on straight and I prioritized my health, my sleep, my career, bills and planning a good future for us with a home one day. He has (somewhat) grown but still doesn’t seem to care about setting money aside to plan for the same future. He seems to rather spend it on his vices like weed, vapes, fast food, shoes, technology for himself, etc. He even asks him mom for money a lot. I am CONSTANTLY the one to remind him of things as little as doing a simple chore around the apartment to things as big as “make sure you’ve got money for rent”
I built us each a very functional but simple budget that helps us see exactly how much money is left from after each paycheck after bills each week so we can know how much is left to set aside, spend on dates, etc. except he doesn’t even have the forethought of taking me out unless I remind him we haven’t gone out on a date. And a lot of the time, when we do go out, we split the bill. I honestly don’t mind this, and I am not high maintenance or materialistic but I also have stuck with him through thick and thin while he’s gotten us into some pretty messy financial situations. I carried the weight financially for so long, and now i sometimes just wish i could be the one to be taken care of, as well as have a break from all the thinking/reminding.

Side note: With how he is with his money, i do not trust sharing a bank account.

My friends tell me at this point, he’s not gonna change. He’s an amazing soul and i know he loves me and is thankful for what i do, so i wanna believe that he will change but i just don’t know anymore. Can I have some more thoughts on this situation?

My husband of 8 years was diagnosed with extreme depression, inattentive ADHD and very low testosterone. He’s been through a lot of different medications through the years and has finally found Prozac and Vyvance for his depression and ADHD within about 4 months of each other. And in just the last 3 weeks, he also began TRT. The TRT is not from a physician - it’s from a fitness trainer he works with who owns a clinic but he has regularly been checking his bloodwork to make sure he is not at risk for any blood clots, strokes, etc. I’ve noticed a big change that I’m not too sure I’m loving. My once sweet, warm, soft and sensitive husband now seems very cold, distant and emotionally flat, especially during any arguments. I could be on my knees crying, hoping he shows some sort of empathy or willing to work through the problem and he will just coldly stare at me and talk to (or at) me as if it’s the most inconvenient thing he’s done all day. It like a knife to my heart… I’m wondering if this change is due to one, or maybe a combination of all the new substances he’s taking? Will it eventually go away? I feel like I’m living with a stranger.

Edit: I now realize there are going to be a few miserable trolls who are going to find ways to misconstrue this entire post as me only complaining that I need my husband to “tend” to me during arguments. Let’s be clear, he’s become emotionally dry and quite the opposite of who he was prior to these new medications/TRT - including during any disagreements or arguments we may have. Perhaps some don’t realize what it’s like being in a longterm relationship but having your feelings suddenly being totally invalidated by your other half is a jarring experience. If you have nothing helpful to contribute, move along.