u/Jumpy_Investment_883

You can see the details on my most recent post which is pretty long but I basically broke no contact with my ex that treated me horribly because I wanted him to apologize and see he hurt me. I thought after 7 months he’d have cooled off but even when I sent an extremely approachable and short msg (“hey, the ending genuinely hurt me but I don’t want to stay bitter forever with you and just hope you’re doing well for yourself”) and in response I got a block and the new person he’s talking to then messaged me to stop reaching out to him on his behalf which is really childish of him and embarrassing for both of us. Kinda pissed me off because I can only imagine what lies he told this dude. The guy that reached out has also literally flirted with me in the past a few months ago 😭 I feel kinda bad for him that his “friend” is just like a Instagram hoe but anyways everyone always says no contact is no contact and reaching out is stupid and I didn’t realize until now that most of these people are speaking from experience. Breaking a trauma bond is so hard, especially when my ex victimized himself entirely and didn’t acknowledge any of the hurt and changed the story completely so I feel insane that I’m the one reaching out to him. So yeah I’m hurt and embarrassed and feel scared that I validated his victim narrative because I reached out even though he hurt me so deeply

Before I start here’s a Fair warning: this is going to be pretty long. There’s a lot to unpack and I’m literally turning to Reddit for advice at this point lol. This happened 7 months ago and I am now with a much better person but it’s on my mind a good amount still - I’ve gone to therapy and psychiatry and have gone on anti depressants and even other treatments like TMS to help with the ruminating thoughts. AKA this shit has me FUCKED up.

Anyways without further a do I’ll give the context of this relationship and ask for advice at the end. Anyone who reads it is greatly appreciated !

Basically I (22M) knew this guy, J (20M) for 3 years. We met on bumble and after I got back from living abroad last December we started seeing eachother with a little more interest. Right out the gate when he came over I saw him sending a bunch of nudes out to other men on snap. I confronted him about it and he denied it until he knew I knew for sure. He then kinda just swept it under the rug and said he wants to pursue something with me which is why he drove so far and he’s done with hookups and stuff. So I keep seeing him.
Then we share locations and after a week or two I see him at a new address and ask him what his plans are - he tells me he’s at his friends house. Anyways I go up to see J a month later (long distance) and saw a snap notification on his phone and opened it and saw he was still flirting with guys and had gone to some guys apartment on that day when he told me he was at his girl friends place. At first he down played it and said he was just “nonchalant” and when I said that’s ridiculous he broke down crying and said there’s no one else and texted those men he’s seeing someone now. Most importantly he told me not to tell ANYBODY. And I was like… um okay? Already I should’ve been long gone but things keep going.
A month later he asks to be official and I told him no - I’m too worried about my dads health (stage 4 cancer) and school and law school to be committed but that I am happy to only see him for the time being. He broke down crying again but said he understood and liked that I told him directly. He started being distant and canceling plans and ultimately told me it’s because his friends didn’t think I’d commit ever and my reasons were BS. He said he wanted I break and I said okay, the next day he undoes the break and says he wants to keep going. This happens THREE TIMES. Three times he flips between a break and no break dependent on the label and ultimately decides to keep going even without a label. Right after he told me he wanted to keep going he posted a thirst trap of himself on snap late at night and I asked him about it and he took it down and claimed he had “no hoes” despite being active all night..
When I go up to see him next I saw he was texting his friend about me and she said that “I can’t keep listing OPs flaws because if you don’t listen I’m wasting my breath” and J responds with “don’t worry if he messes up he’s done”. WTF? This guy already cheated on me and lied and was totally destabilizing but I confront him and he doesn’t apologize he just says “oh yeah don’t worry you wouldn’t be done if you mess up”. And I was nervous to press it because based on how often he flip flopped with leaving I kind of thought he’d just dip if I pressured him harder
Eventually after feeling like he was playing in my face, lying, still cheating I did something immature and saw someone else. He found out and ended up keeping things going. Though he immediately told everybody: parents, friends, randoms from Snapchat quick add even? And would rag on me behind my back for something he did himself. While I know two wrongs don’t make a right the hypocrisy was certainly there. When he came down to my house next a friend called him on speaker and said “how’s mister fucking Cheater” and I straight up said “hey did you ever tell your friends you saw those other guys too?” He says “oh yeah I did for sure”…
Anyways things keep going and in August it’s his birthday and I got way too drunk. His friend comes up to me and quizzes me and says “why aren’t you two dating yet” and I didn’t want to get into the whole cheating debacle and just said I spoke with him about it already and she kept pressing and I eventually say I’m worried about how my mom views him and that he seems quiet around my friends and my family because maybe he has just a different upbringing.
Months later in October J is at a party, he messages me out of the blue saying he heard I called him “insecure for being broke and that if I were a real man I wouldn’t care what my mom thinks”. He proceeds to say I constantly cheat on him and am a disgusting human that wasted his time and he can find someone better easily. I kept things civil and just said he knows that’s not true but if he believes it then I can’t stop him. The next day he unblocks me and says he was just drunk and didn’t mean it. I ask for an apology and he just says he was under the influence and had a “panic attack” and that his friend wrote most of the message anyway. I literally accept this as an apology.
Then I go up to his place, I bring flowers, I get his brother beer I speak to his parents etc. And I see on his snap some guy is sending him shirtless pics talking about meeting up. I confront him and he gets angry at me for thinking he could do such a thing. And he shuts down. I literally drop it and we go sleep over at his friends place. That night when I went to the bathroom I could overhear him talking shit about me in the same house to his friends. I end up leaving and going home the next day.

Finally the next morning I tell him we need to talk and I say “why would I want to date someone that shit talks me to their own friends and family?” He initially denies it and eventually says it’s just “too much” and he dumps me there. He blamed me for everything, said my cheating changed the whole dynamic and when I brought up that he literally cheated first he said it wasn’t comparable and I didn’t even fight it I was so tired. We end on ok terms and he says he needed lots of time and therapy before seeing anyone again. The very next day a mutual friend of ours tells me J got with the 33 year old ENGAGED MAYOR of his town who I have seen texting him previously. So I get really upset and end up sending J the biggest text message I’ve ever sent anyone in my entire life. I mention how he got with those guys and lied shirk where he was and later changed the story to his friends to be “just talking”. I mention his constant shit talk, his nudes and thirst traps, his hypocrisy and immaturity. And ultimately just wish that he gets help that he needs. My mutual friend on the call where J read my message aloud to a group actually recorded it and sent me the recording. J denied everything I said, called me crazy and blocked me on everything. I got absolutely ZERO validation and the person who hurt me most refused to see it.

The next day I saw thirst traps were up on his story, he put up songs about never loving his ex again, told my mutual friend that every situation between us was because of me and that he’s moved on. I got literally zero closure here. And for months I’ve been spiraling about it. The injustice of keeping his cheating secret while he blasted mine from the rooftops, how he never apologized for anything, how I stayed so long in this exhausting and emotionally abusive dynamic, and ultimately just how little he seemed to care about hurting me and how he had zero self reflection or self awareness about it all.

I end up reaching out after 6 months and basically say that people think I’m wasting my time but that I hope he’s reflected and realizes that he played a role in things and is willing to hash it out. That got nowhere and our mutual friend told me that J said he’d be willing to respond at a later time to a more friendly message and I rolled my eyes and said ok.

Eventually me and this mutual friend, T, get closer and get posts a photo of me on his instagram and J cuts him off despite knowing that we were still in contact. Additionally T’s cousin who was the girl on speaker phone who called me “Mr Cheater” ended up learning the whole story and apologized to me and distanced herself from J. Furthermore a mutual on Instagram and I learned he had spoken to J in the past on snap and J had told him a one sided story to paint me like a villain and this guy, M, ends up confronting J with evidence about the situation saying that while he was at a party people were mentioning how he cheated on me and got with the mayor a day later. J denied it but M insisted he had receipts and that it’s odd that J lies about this stuff. That was extremely validating and was important for me since now I knew J didn’t get away with all of it.

But still just yesterday things still didn’t sit right with me. I sent J a message, very short and friendly and basically said that although the ending hurt me I don’t want to stay bitter forever and I wish him well. I’ve never ended on bad terms with anybody before so this was a first. Anyways in response I got blocked and his current boy toy from Grindr messages me on Instagram telling me to leave J alone. And that really hurt because it made me feel like I’m a crazy toxic ex because I’m still reaching out and he’s like protecting his peace or something when I just want him to acknowledge the hurt he caused me.

So yeah that’s the story, it’s been a long time and despite moments of validation I still feel an awful feeling in my chest and am still waking up everyday and falling asleep every night thing about this. I’m angry I didn’t stand up, I’m angry I didn’t expose him, I’m embarrassed I was so nice and still reached out with an olive branch despite everything. And now I feel less than him and deeply hurt that he feels like he did nothing wrong and that no one in his circle knows how he treated me.

I’m not sure how to move on from this feeling or what to do next. Can anyone relate or have any advice on steps to take?