I really wish Panasonic would give us an update where we can actually adjust shadows and highlights on the newer TZ/SZ camera series. It’s so weird seeing it show up in the image info/display but there’s literally nowhere in the settings to tweak it. Like… why tease the feature if we can’t even use it.
i don’t even know how to explain this properly without sounding dramatic but i’ll try.
for the longest time, i genuinely believed i was ugly. not just “low self-esteem” ugly, but like… objectively the ugliest version of a person you can imagine. and it didn’t feel like a thought i could challenge. it felt like a fact i was forced to live with.
it got to a point where i stopped recognizing myself in mirrors or pictures. like i would see my face and it just doesn’t feel like “me.” parang ibang tao. sometimes i feel like i’m watching myself from the outside, just going through motions. autopilot lang. and it’s unsettling because you’re still functioning but there’s this disconnect you can’t explain properly.
and the worst part is how it changes the way you move in the world.
you start believing you don’t deserve basic things. convenience, attention, kindness, even space. like everything you do has to be “less” because visually you’re already at a disadvantage. so you don’t speak up. you don’t defend yourself. you let people go ahead. you shrink yourself automatically because anything else feels like you’re being too much for someone like you.
it’s even affecting how i function in real life. there are times i decline job interviews or turn down clients who want video calls because i genuinely feel like i can’t sell myself or my skills with this face. like before they even hear what i can do, i’ve already disqualified myself. parang wala akong karapatang i-present sarili ko. and it’s frustrating because i know i’m holding myself back, but i can’t switch it off.
sometimes it even feels like i can’t act confidently because it would look ridiculous coming from me. like confidence is something you have to “earn” visually first before you’re allowed to express it.
and there are moments where i feel like i’m not even worth defending. like if something unfair happens, part of me just accepts it because who am i to fight back? who am i to take up space?
and i know how messed up that sounds. i know logically it doesn’t make sense. but it still feels real when you’re inside it.
i’ve been wondering if anyone else has ever lived in this kind of headspace for a long time. not just insecurity, but something deeper where your perception of yourself becomes distorted enough that it affects how you exist day to day.
because honestly, it’s isolating as hell.
ako lang ba?