I have only read about 2-3 thriller books. First being Silent Patient, second Murder on the Orient Express and third The Housemaid's secret. It's okay if the recommendations are very popular or if it's smth no one knows about but pls suggest me some I am bored at home doing nothing and I love reading thriller manhwas and also listening to crime and thriller documentaries online!
So I thought throughout life as long as I have lived which is almost 19 years now that maybe I am not as academically stupid as I think I am and maybe I just haven't tried but this year I gave it my all and still I ended up so close to failing. I gave up the exam and thought I did good enough? But once I came home to check I broke down from how horrendous I did. Maybe it's time I just accept I'm not academically smart at all? My dreams were just big and that's putting pressure on myself. I thought maybe I still have some hope because my parents keep saying that I can do it and keep encouraging me but maybe no. I am just so tired of trying to be academically smart. Even as a kid in school I would not get good grades it was B and Cs and the only one I would get an A on would be English. So idk anymore I feel like such a failure in front of my parents rn as if showing them just horrible scores will only shame me more and more. I feel like giving up but I know my parents will still support me but I feel like such a failure.
I never had this much of a change happening to me. I'm 19F and I'll be going to college this year far from my family. So there have been so many changes and I don't know how to cope up with it. Every time that I think maybe I am finally done with this then I'm struck with a sense of loneliness. What I was planning on majoring in college for years I have made changes about it. 3 years of studying for it feels like a waste to me now. I realised that field just isn't for me and I'm only forcing myself due to societal expectations. If I were to get a job thru it after 8 years of working hard without looking any other way I'll feel like I just wasted all my life and give it up and do smth else so I just decided to call it quits rn before it's too late to change my mind entirely. But I still can't seem to cope up with it cause I've lived my life knowing this is probably smth I'll have to do in the future and I would imagine how things would be but it was very idealistic as if everything would go right from the start and I would never face anything difficult.
As I'm growing up, the more I realise how much I really love my sister. I didn't realise it before as a kid. But you know back then I had an idea because when she had to move out of our house for college and to somewhere really far a whole different state and could only visit us 2 times a year that's when it hit me hard. After a few days she left, I would secretly cry because I would never admit to her things like that at all. And I was embarrassed when an aunt of ours who was staying over saw me crying and told our mother. Now I have been staying with my sister for a year and it's finally time to go back home after around 15 days and I feel that same feeling again but it's even worse because I'll be alone without everyone. My mom, dad and my sister, it's breaking my heart and I don't know how to cope up with this feeling of growing up especially since I'm the youngest in the family and for them I'm always a kid regardless of my age. As if in their eyes I'll never grow up. They'll always look out for me no matter how things go wrong for me. I know they'll always be my safe place when times are tough and I can't handle them on my own. No one from my family will ever read this but I wanted to write this down anyways. Anyways thank you for reading.
I took a drop this year and I'm planning on switching to commerce. Is this a good idea? I took maths in 11th and 12th so maybe that opens options but realistically can I do anything good in the future if I were to take cs along with it? Without a top tier clg since I probably get one as my boards marks aren't up to the mark and also I didn't give any entrance exams related to Commerce for clg. Can I still compete and get a good job regardless of this?