u/Just-4random-girl

I’ve been talking to a psychologist friend about this. Her response was that, of course, it’s possible to do deep work so that a fearful avoidant person can break their patterns. But she told me they learn to separate “reality” from the “fear-driven urge to run away“, so they don’t act purely on impulse. Even so, that internal “switch” is always there, so you never really know if it might get triggered again at some point.

Of course, everyone has their own perspective, this isn’t an absolute truth. But now I don’t know what to think. Do you think that’s accurate? If so, it actually makes me feel sorry for them, that they might never fully heal, because it seems impossible to have a happy relationship like that. And I also feel for their partner, because if it were me, I’d be living with that constant uncertainty.

Is there anyone here who has managed to maintain a happy relationship (or at least for now), or who knows of a successful case with a fearful avoidant partner?

I’m not someone who easily meets new people, and I find it really hard to open up. and when I finally do, baam. I’m not even thinking about meeting someone new right now, but I wonder;

after being discarded by an avoidant, when you started getting to know someone new, what things did you do or ask to make sure it wouldn’t happen again?

I really don’t want to experience that kind of push and pull dynamic again. It hurts too much.

This is going to be a long post, so thank you if you take the time to read it. I just need to get this off my chest and get some advice because of how I’ve been feeling. Until recently, I didn’t even know what attachment styles were. But now I understand that I (28F) am on the anxious side, and he (34M) is avoidant.

I am very hurt, but at the same time I’m trying to understand the perspective of an avoidant person, because I never wanted to judge him and I was truly trying to give my best to make this work.

About three years ago, I met this guy online and we started talking. Over time, we built a friendship based on mutual support and a lot of shared interests. Since we were basically strangers at first, we also respected each other’s space a lot and didn’t ask too many personal questions. Little by little we opened up more, and eventually we both started to feel like what we had wasn’t just friendship anymore.

A couple of months ago, he confessed his feelings to me. He said it felt strange because we only knew each other online, but he also said really sweet things. Like he felt he had found someone who truly understood him, that talking to me made his days brighter, and that he wanted to be part of my life, my birthdays, and everything that was to come.

I told him I couldn’t be as certain as he was, mainly because we hadn’t met in real life yet and I didn’t want us to hurt each other. But I also told him that everything I had seen of him so far, I really liked. I shared some of my fears too. In that moment, he seemed to understand and said that the only thing that mattered to him was that we felt the same way. So we kept talking, but now with a more romantic intention instead of just friendship.

That same month, he was very busy with work, which I completely understood, so we talked less than usual. Still, our conversations became more affectionate; he was usually the one initiating it, and I tried to respond in a similar way so he could see that I liked it. But I couldn’t suddenly be as openly affectionate as he was because I kept thinking about the fact that we hadn’t met in person yet, and that if we didn’t click offline too, we could end up hurting each other. At one point, he even mentioned coming to visit me, and I told him it might be better if I went to see him instead. So overall, everything seemed to be going well.

About two weeks after he confessed, I told him I’d like to talk. I wanted to ask if it would be okay for me to visit him on a certain week and a few more stuff. He replied saying he also had something to tell me. Then he sent a message saying he had been thinking, and that it might be better for us to stay friends. He said he saw a lot of insecurities and fears on both sides, felt like he was pressuring me, and didn’t see enough reciprocity. He also said that when I suggested I should travel to see him, he somehow interpreted it as me avoiding the idea of him coming because I wasn’t interested.

I’m not a jealous or clingy person, I also value my space. But reading that message completely broke me. I genuinely thought everything had been going well, so that came out of nowhere. I started replying quickly without really thinking, I wasn’t insulting or anything like that, but I needed answers as fast as possible because I didn’t understand anything and I was really hurt.

He was at work at the time, so his replies came every hour or so, which made the uncertainty feel unbearable. We ended up talking all day. He felt distant and cold, and I was just confused, because everything he mentioned were assumptions or misunderstandings. I tried to explain that those were things he could have asked me instead of creating a whole narrative in his head. I really did want to keep getting to know him, even if I had fears.

He even said he had similar fears himself, so I didn’t understand why my fears affected him so much if he felt the same. The whole conversation was very contradictory, he started by saying we should just be friends, then suggested staying friends but continuing to get to know each other slowly (which is what we were already doing), and then ended up saying no, just friends, completely closing the door on anything romantic.

It ended badly. The next day, I was still overwhelmed and messaged him again, which also didn’t go well.

After that, I took some time to go out because I didn't want to be alone, and so I could think more clearly too. Later, I sent him a calmer message explaining what I thought had happened and how I felt. He replied thanking me, saying that helped fill in a lot of gaps that had been causing him confusion. He said something about how rushed his initial decision was. And to reassure myself (but it didn’t fully...), I asked him if he still liked me, and he said that he definitely did. So we both decided to keep getting to know each other.

I told him that even though I had fears, I would try to be more openly affectionate so he could see my interest. And I did after that talk. But I started noticing that when I showed more affection, he didn’t really match it. Still, sometimes he would initiate it himself. It made me feel like he was comfortable initiating but not receiving, which confused me, especially since he had previously said he felt a lack of reciprocity.

I also told him I wanted to explain more about my past, so he could understand my reactions better. He told me he didn’t like how I asked for quick answers while he was at work, and that my tone wasn't nice. From my perspective, I was just anxious and overwhelmed, but I understood that tone can easily be misread over text, so I apologized.

A couple of weeks later, on the day we were supposed to make a call to avoid text misunderstandings and to talk about my past... we didn't. Right as the call started, he told me he had been reading about attachment styles, that I’m anxious and he’s avoidant, and that he didn’t think it would work because of that. Again, I felt completely blindsided.

We talked it through calmly. And again, we agreed to keep getting to know each other because we both saw that we could talk about these things without turning it into an argument. He told me he felt comfortable during that call. But again, I didn’t understand why, at the slightest thing, he would want to go back to just being friends.

After that, I started reading more about attachment styles to understand what was happening, and it started to make sense. He also told me he realized things and would try to be more communicative, and he was, at least I thought so. He has also been in therapy for years and said he had started discussing this there. So I genuinely thought we were moving in a good direction, while also knowing I had my own work to do too.

At first I considered just moving on from what happened and starting fresh, but the more I read and reflected, especially on my past relationship and how poorly things had been communicated and repaired there, the more I felt we should actually talk about what had hurt us in that first conversation so we could understand each other better.

So I brought it up and said I wasn’t feeling fully safe because of all that. He agreed, and we had another call. I felt like I was always the one initiating these conversations, but I also tried not to pressure him. I always asked if he had time and said it was okay if not. That call went well, I felt we understood each other. We focused more on what had hurt me, and even though I asked him what had hurt him about my behavior, he didn’t answer at that moment. We also talked about our past so we could understand where we were comming from. He said we would continue talking about it slowly, so I thought it gone well. He even mentioned again that he would come to see me around June-July.

We kept talking normally for a few days, flirty and affectionate as usual. I had been ruminating a lot, and since we had agreed to be more communicative, I told him I was still present but a bit quieter because I was overthinking. He said he had guessed that and that it was okay, and that I could express anything I needed. That’s why I started feeling more secure, he said things like “can you wait and talk about it another day, or do you feel like it’s weighing on you too much?”.

I told him I appreciated his effort in being more communicative, but that I didn’t really know where to start with my own work, because what was hurting me was that initial “let’s just be friends” moment, and I didn’t know how to repair something like that since I had never properly repaired something like this before (but that I really wanted to repair it). He reassured me, told me not to force anything, that he was easy-going, and that we would come back to that conversation.

After that, we didn’t talk for about three days. I thought he was giving me space because he knew I was overthinking, and also because he had been feeling physically unwell. Still, something about the silence felt off. On the third day I sent a simple message checking in. He replied briefly, I replied, and that was it.

I tend to overanalyze messages and people’s moods, but I kept trying to tell myself it was just my mind spiraling. The next day I messaged him again, something simple, saying I appreciated that he said we would come back to the conversation, but that it would help me if we had a rough timeframe instead of leaving it open-ended. I didn’t ask for a specific day or week. He replied that we could talk either that same day in a few hours or the next, since he was free. I said I preferred that same day if we both wanted to. We agreed, but again, I noticed something felt off in his replies.

We had another call. I thought we would talk about other things, but as soon as it started there was an uncomfortable silence. Then he said he had thought about it and didn’t want to continue. He stayed on the call even though it was difficult for him, saying it was the least I deserved after everything he had done.

He explained that since the first conversation something in him had clicked, and he no longer saw me the same way, that friendship outweighed romantic feelings. He told me, straight up, that he didn’t like me anymore. He also said that those three days of silence had been intentional on his part. I don’t know if it’s just my imagination, but I felt like he even resented me and I don't know why. When something like this happens, I tend to have memory lapses at certain moments, but I don’t think I even heard a simple ‘I’m sorry’. He told me he understood why I felt that way and that he handled it badly, but not a ‘I’m sorry’. He also said something like he didn’t like the way he confessed. I asked him if, deep down, when he confessed, he wanted it not to be mutual, and he said no, that he did want it to be mutual. I then asked him what he was looking for in a relationship, and he said he didn’t know, and that he doesn’t even know if he wants to be in one.

So… what has all of this been then?

My anxious attachment comes from intermittent abandonment in childhood, that’s why I tried to fix everything as quickly as possible and couldn’t let go so easily. Also, my ex didn’t help with that either, because at the slightest argument we had, he would always say we should break up, and then act like he hadn’t said anything and we’d just "go back to normal". That’s why this time I tried to communicate properly, so I wouldn’t slowly shut down. All I was trying to do was communicate in what I thought was a safe space, since we’d known each other for years and there was trust. But he admitted that in none of our calls did he feel comfortable at all, even though he had previously told me he did. He said he wanted to go no contact. And that, in an ideal world, he would like us to be friends again in the future, but he knows that after everything he’s done, he’s not in a position to ask that of me.

Because of the time difference, I asked if we could pause for a moment and resume the call later. He mentioned something like he had stayed in touch with some of his exes, and I wanted to ask him how he managed that, since it feels very strange to me to cut contact and then… what, just show up again one day as if nothing happened? I wanted to understand how that could even work and, if possible, try to end things with a chill conversation so we wouldn’t leave on bad terms.

He thought about it and said okay, as long as we didn’t fall back into the same spiral of questions and answers as before. He said he’d let me know when he finished eating so we could resume the call. Around three hours passed and, since he still hadn’t said anything, I messaged him saying I assumed the call wouldn’t happen, that I just wanted to know his opinion about reconnecting, but that I wished him all the best anyway.

He replied that the delay was because the food delayed (I don’t even know what to believe anymore…), and that if it wasn’t too late, he’d let me know later or the next day so we could chill talk, and that in any case he wished me the best too. But he didn’t mention anything about that conversation on how reconnecting would even be possible, he just said to talk casually. So I ended up writing to him again, I think saying something like I feel like everyone plays with me, that I hope one day he understands why this hurts me so much and why I needed to make all those questions, etc. I don’t remember everything and I don’t want to reread it. I told him he didn’t have to reply, and he didn’t, so that was the last thing I wrote. So I guess he has no intention of contacting me ever again, neither now nor in the future.

I try to understand it, but I can’t fully. I don’t understand what I did so wrong for someone to go from such a beautiful confession to saying they no longer see me the same way in just two months, especially after what seemed like misunderstandings and communication issues. 

If he says something changed in him from that first conversation, then I can’t help but wonder if he was pretending all this time. Because the affection and flirting were still there even after the first conversation, and also the talk about coming to see me. 

I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I don’t think he did any of this on purpose. But I’m really hurt. I do like him, and I feel like he never liked me in the same way. I feel pathetic for chasing something after he had already tried to end it twice. I wanted to believe him when he said he had rushed that decision.

My last relationship was 7 years ago, I'm not someone who needs to be in a relationship. But when I connect with someone, I do get hopeful. And I really was. It wasn’t even a relationship, we were just getting to know each other romantically. But it still hurts the same. Deep down I know it’s for the best and that time heals everything, but it hurts a lot, not just because of the romantic part but also because of the three-year friendship. I really don’t want to contact him again, but it hurts so much to lose him, and things as simple as not seeing a message from him in the morning are going to hurt.

He mentioned how he felt awful reading comments from people wishing avoidants the worst or saying they should just stay alone. I told him he shouldn’t feel that way, that not everyone is the same, and that he was actually trying to change.

Now I just feel lost, empty, and alone. I'm still struggling to understand what happened. It honestly feels like it broke something in me. My mind has been full of contradictions, it makes me question what was real and what wasn’t. Did I really matter so little to him over these three years? This happened yesterday, please any advice or help is really appreciated.

This is going to be a long post, so thank you if you take the time to read it. I just need to get this off my chest and get some advice because of how I’ve been feeling. Until recently, I didn’t even know what attachment styles were. But now I understand that I (28F) am on the anxious side, and he (34M) is avoidant.

About three years ago, I met this guy online and we started talking. Over time, we built a friendship based on mutual support and a lot of shared interests. Since we were basically strangers at first, we also respected each other’s space a lot and didn’t ask too many personal questions. Little by little we opened up more, and eventually we both started to feel like what we had wasn’t just friendship anymore.

A couple of months ago, he confessed his feelings to me. He said it felt strange because we only knew each other online, but he also said really sweet things. Like he felt he had found someone who truly understood him, that talking to me made his days brighter, and that he wanted to be part of my life, my birthdays, and everything that was to come.

I told him I couldn’t be as certain as he was, mainly because we hadn’t met in real life yet and I didn’t want us to hurt each other. But I also told him that everything I had seen of him so far, I really liked. I shared some of my fears too. In that moment, he seemed to understand and said that the only thing that mattered to him was that we felt the same way. So we kept talking, but now with a more romantic intention instead of just friendship.

That same month, he was very busy with work, which I completely understood, so we talked less than usual. Still, our conversations became more affectionate; he was usually the one initiating it, and I tried to respond in a similar way so he could see that I liked it. But I couldn’t suddenly be as openly affectionate as he was because I kept thinking about the fact that we hadn’t met in person yet, and that if we didn’t click offline too, we could end up hurting each other. At one point, he even mentioned coming to visit me, and I told him it might be better if I went to see him instead. So overall, everything seemed to be going well.

About two weeks after he confessed, I told him I’d like to talk. I wanted to ask if it would be okay for me to visit him on a certain week and a few more stuff. He replied saying he also had something to tell me. Then he sent a message saying he had been thinking, and that it might be better for us to stay friends. He said he saw a lot of insecurities and fears on both sides, felt like he was pressuring me, and didn’t see enough reciprocity. He also said that when I suggested I should travel to see him, he somehow interpreted it as me avoiding the idea of him coming because I wasn’t interested.

I’m not a jealous or clingy person, I also value my space. But reading that message completely broke me. I genuinely thought everything had been going well, so that came out of nowhere. I started replying quickly without really thinking, I wasn’t insulting or anything like that, but I needed answers as fast as possible because I didn’t understand anything and I was really hurt.

He was at work at the time, so his replies came every hour or so, which made the uncertainty feel unbearable. We ended up talking all day. He felt distant and cold, and I was just confused, because everything he mentioned were assumptions or misunderstandings. I tried to explain that those were things he could have asked me instead of creating a whole narrative in his head. I really did want to keep getting to know him, even if I had fears.

He even said he had similar fears himself, so I didn’t understand why my fears affected him so much if he felt the same. The whole conversation was very contradictory, he started by saying we should just be friends, then suggested staying friends but continuing to get to know each other slowly (which is what we were already doing), and then ended up saying no, just friends, completely closing the door on anything romantic.

It ended badly. The next day, I was still overwhelmed and messaged him again, which also didn’t go well.

After that, I took some time to go out because I didn't want to be alone, and so I could think more clearly too. Later, I sent him a calmer message explaining what I thought had happened and how I felt. He replied thanking me, saying that helped fill in a lot of gaps that had been causing him confusion. He said something about how rushed his initial decision was. And to reassure myself (but it didn’t fully...), I asked him if he still liked me, and he said that he definitely did. So we both decided to keep getting to know each other.

I told him that even though I had fears, I would try to be more openly affectionate so he could see my interest. And I did after that talk. But I started noticing that when I showed more affection, he didn’t really match it. Still, sometimes he would initiate it himself. It made me feel like he was comfortable initiating but not receiving, which confused me, especially since he had previously said he felt a lack of reciprocity.

I also told him I wanted to explain more about my past, so he could understand my reactions better. He told me he didn’t like how I asked for quick answers while he was at work, and that my tone wasn't nice. From my perspective, I was just anxious and overwhelmed, but I understood that tone can easily be misread over text, so I apologized.

A couple of weeks later, on the day we were supposed to make a call to avoid text misunderstandings and to talk about my past... we didn't. Right as the call started, he told me he had been reading about attachment styles, that I’m anxious and he’s avoidant, and that he didn’t think it would work because of that. Again, I felt completely blindsided.

We talked it through calmly. And again, we agreed to keep getting to know each other because we both saw that we could talk about these things without turning it into an argument. He told me he felt comfortable during that call. But again, I didn’t understand why, at the slightest thing, he would want to go back to just being friends.

After that, I started reading more about attachment styles to understand what was happening, and it started to make sense. He also told me he realized things and would try to be more communicative, and he was, at least I thought so. He has also been in therapy for years and said he had started discussing this there. So I genuinely thought we were moving in a good direction, while also knowing I had my own work to do too.

At first I considered just moving on from what happened and starting fresh, but the more I read and reflected, especially on my past relationship and how poorly things had been communicated and repaired there, the more I felt we should actually talk about what had hurt us in that first conversation so we could understand each other better.

So I brought it up and said I wasn’t feeling fully safe because of all that. He agreed, and we had another call. I felt like I was always the one initiating these conversations, but I also tried not to pressure him. I always asked if he had time and said it was okay if not. That call went well, I felt we understood each other. We focused more on what had hurt me, and even though I asked him what had hurt him about my behavior, he didn’t answer at that moment. We also talked about our past so we could understand where we were comming from. He said we would continue talking about it slowly, so I thought it gone well. He even mentioned again that he would come to see me around June-July.

We kept talking normally for a few days, flirty and affectionate as usual. I had been ruminating a lot, and since we had agreed to be more communicative, I told him I was still present but a bit quieter because I was overthinking. He said he had guessed that and that it was okay, and that I could express anything I needed.

I told him I appreciated his effort in being more communicative, but that I didn’t really know where to start with my own work, because what was hurting me was that initial “let’s just be friends” moment, and I didn’t know how to repair something like that since I had never properly repaired something like this before (but that I really wanted to repair it). He reassured me, told me not to force anything, that he was easy-going, and that we would come back to that conversation.

After that, we didn’t talk for about three days. I thought he was giving me space because he knew I was overthinking, and also because he had been feeling physically unwell. Still, something about the silence felt off. On the third day I sent a simple message checking in. He replied briefly, I replied, and that was it.

I tend to overanalyze messages and people’s moods, but I kept trying to tell myself it was just my mind spiraling. The next day I messaged him again, something simple, saying I appreciated that he said we would come back to the conversation, but that it would help me if we had a rough timeframe instead of leaving it open-ended. I didn’t ask for a specific day or week. He replied that we could talk either that same day in a few hours or the next, since he was free. I said I preferred that same day if we both wanted to. We agreed, but again, I noticed something felt off in his replies.

We had another call. I thought we would talk about other things, but as soon as it started there was an uncomfortable silence. Then he said he had thought about it and didn’t want to continue. He stayed on the call even though it was difficult for him, saying it was the least I deserved after everything he had done.

He explained that since the first conversation something in him had clicked, and he no longer saw me the same way, that friendship outweighed romantic feelings. He told me, straight up, that he didn’t like me anymore. He also said that those three days of silence had been intentional on his part. I don’t know if it’s just my imagination, but I felt like he even resented me and I don't know why. When something like this happens, I tend to have memory lapses at certain moments, but I don’t think I even heard a simple ‘I’m sorry’. He told me he understood why I felt that way and that he handled it badly, but not a ‘I’m sorry’. He also said something like he didn’t like the way he confessed. I asked him if, deep down, when he confessed, he wanted it not to be mutual, and he said no, that he did want it to be mutual. I then asked him what he was looking for in a relationship, and he said he didn’t know, and that he doesn’t even know if he wants to be in one.

So… what has all of this been then?

My anxious attachment comes from intermittent abandonment in childhood, that’s why I tried to fix everything as quickly as possible and couldn’t let go so easily. Also, my ex didn’t help with that either, because at the slightest argument we had, he would always say we should break up, and then act like he hadn’t said anything and we’d just "go back to normal". That’s why this time I tried to communicate properly, so I wouldn’t slowly shut down. All I was trying to do was communicate in what I thought was a safe space, since we’d known each other for years and there was trust. But he admitted that in none of our calls did he feel comfortable at all, even though he had previously told me he did. He said he wanted to go no contact. And that, in an ideal world, he would like us to be friends again in the future, but he knows that after everything he’s done, he’s not in a position to ask that of me.

Because of the time difference, I asked if we could pause for a moment and resume the call later. He mentioned something like he had stayed in touch with some of his exes, and I wanted to ask him how he managed that, since it feels very strange to me to cut contact and then… what, just show up again one day as if nothing happened? I wanted to understand how that could even work and, if possible, try to end things with a chill conversation so we wouldn’t leave on bad terms.

He thought about it and said okay, as long as we didn’t fall back into the same spiral of questions and answers as before. He said he’d let me know when he finished eating so we could resume the call. Around three hours passed and, since he still hadn’t said anything, I messaged him saying I assumed the call wouldn’t happen, that I just wanted to know his opinion about reconnecting, but that I wished him all the best anyway.

He replied that the delay was because the food delayed (I don’t even know what to believe anymore…), and that if it wasn’t too late, he’d let me know later or the next day so we could chill talk, and that in any case he wished me the best too. But he didn’t mention anything about that conversation on how reconnecting would even be possible, he just said to talk casually. So I ended up writing to him again, I think saying something like I feel like everyone plays with me, that I hope one day he understands why this hurts me so much and why I needed to make all those questions, etc. I don’t remember everything and I don’t want to reread it. I told him he didn’t have to reply, and he didn’t, so that was the last thing I wrote. So I guess he has no intention of contacting me ever again, neither now nor in the future.

I try to understand it, but I can’t fully. I don’t understand what I did so wrong for someone to go from such a beautiful confession to saying they no longer see me the same way in just two months, especially after what seemed like misunderstandings and communication issues. 

If he says something changed in him from that first conversation, then I can’t help but wonder if he was pretending all this time. Because the affection and flirting were still there even after the first conversation, and also the talk about coming to see me. 

I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I don’t think he did any of this on purpose. But I’m really hurt. I do like him, and I feel like he never liked me in the same way. I feel pathetic for chasing something after he had already tried to end it twice. I wanted to believe him when he said he had rushed that decision.

My last relationship was 7 years ago, I'm not someone who needs to be in a relationship. But when I connect with someone, I do get hopeful. And I really was. It wasn’t even a relationship, we were just getting to know each other romantically. But it still hurts the same. Deep down I know it’s for the best and that time heals everything, but it hurts a lot, not just because of the romantic part but also because of the three-year friendship. I really don’t want to contact him again, but it hurts so much to lose him, and things as simple as not seeing a message from him in the morning are going to hurt.

Now I just feel lost, empty, and alone. I'm still struggling to understand what happened. It honestly feels like it broke something in me. My mind has been full of contradictions, it makes me question what was real and what wasn’t. Did I really matter so little to him over these three years? This happened yesterday, please any advice or help is really appreciated.