u/JustBarracuda9434

Killl me nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww  😭 😭 😭 

I was walking in my school's union to go to starbucks before I heard someone say "Hi JustBarracuda" I turned and saw someone who looked alot like someone on my sports club, so I waved and said high. She kind of looked at me weird before looking to my side and saying hows it going. I said its going- before I heard a voice next to me and realized she was looking at someone else behind me. I just looked away and kept walking.

I'm so fucking embarrassed. This happens sometimes because I have a really common name and its just so embarrasing. I don't know, has anyone ever had this happen to them?

I'm about to graduate college, and I've been trying to move on from the person I was two years ago. I recently apologized to someone I asked out, they said no, I made a weird joke (Now I don't have to cry every time i look at your pfp), and ferverently apologized for making a weird joke. I tried to keep being friends with her for months after, but every interaction was forced, awkward and weird. I met her at a dining hall once and tried to talk to her, and she gave off off vibes which I now realize was her nonverbally asking me to leave her alone (I asked later if I did something wrong and she said she was just tired/busy/stressed). I eventually unfriended her after 8 months of trying because I realized that I was just making things worse and this friendship was going nowhere.

I recently readded her as a friend and sent an apology saying "Hey sorry to message you out of the blue, but I'm sorry if I ever made you uncomfortable. I'm not asking for forgiveness or to be friends again, but I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry". She saved my messaged (it was snapchat) and then never messaged me.

I say all this because I've been reaching out to a few people to apolgize for my actions. There were some worse ones that I can't because they blocked me, and I wish to respect their privacy and allow them to move on with their life. But its just really hard. I keep thinking, keep obsessing. I wish I could go back in time. She was a really cool person and i wish I could have been friends with her. I wish I didn't get mad at someone after they rejected me because they got with someone a week later and "lied to me about the reason when they could have just said they weren't into me". I wish I could go back in time and slap myself before sitting myself down and teaching me all the social skills my parents failed to but that I know now. I wish I can go back and apolgize to those I hurt. I lost out on so many friendships, connections, and relationshps because I was too stubborn, too stupid, and too socailly inept.

I'm graduating without friends, without honors, without anything. At least I have law school to look forward to, but I'll never get the level of socialbility, of parties, of letting loose and discovering myself again. I squandered it, and I have to live with the consequences. I'll try to get better, one apology at a time.

I dont know if this is a me thing but I've always super struggled with eye contact. I can do eye contact fine for the most part, but I struggle so much where to place my eyes when I'm not talking to anyone.

I'll often just look around or look at a 45 degree angle. And that just leads to more akward moments of "Op, I'm accidentally staring at this person" or "Op, I put my eyes down to rest/because I don't wanna talk and there's someones tits/ass/crotch". I'm not trying to be akward or weird about it, I just don't know where to place my eyes.

And then when I'm talking it just feels weird. Like I'm staring at them and I end up looking away or looking at the ground becasue I feel like I'm just being weird. I don't wanna be weird I just wanna say high and be social. I don't know, does anyone else struggle with this?