u/Just_Philosopher422

Im not claiming that I have BPD since im undiagnosed and have never met with a psychiatrist or gone to therapy for any sort of mental problem, but lately i started getting recommended bpd related content and have found that i relate to a few of them, though i read more and realized i dont relate to all symptoms. Ill only mention the symptoms I can relate

1. Unstable relationships - I am currently 5 months in isolating myself from friends, and I have these phases where, for a few weeks, I keep checking my messages, none of my friends check in and I feel worthless because it shows that my friends dont care, they probably already forgot about me and moved on with their lives, but when my friends do send a message saying their worried, or wanting to check up on me, I feel immense guilt, like I am a bad friend, why am i doing this to them? like i should just cut them off and not make their life harder with my presence.

I dont know why I even isolated myself from my friends. They didnt do anything bad to me, one might even say Ive done worse things to them, given it wasnt that bad like using a friend or controlling them or something. But heres the thing, when I was still talking daily with my friends, i overthink alot about them being good or evil based on every singular thing theyve done. Like, if a friend doesnt immediately reply to my message despite doing so for a few minutes earlier, i overthink "maybe they found me boring", "did i say something wrong?", "maybe their talking to another friend whose more entertaining than me..", etc, and when they come back and tell me "oh i went to the bathroom" or "my mom called me", i either feel relief or cant help but feel like they lied. I have 1 friend who Im consistently struggling with this issue, due to what they do and say and how they act, my brain has classified them as a "people pleaser", "hypocrite", "narcissist", "person who likes to gossip alot", "kind" or "an angel", its just very confusing.

Ive done this isolation thing towards my relationships too. And in all 3 relationships Ive been, none of them has done a bad thing. The first one, okay maybe it was a bit bad? They had feelings for another girl emotionally, but they were honest, very honest that they told me themselves (I did suspect it), and we had a nice breakup. The issue though was I always argued with them, for the littlest things, and that kind of affected how close we were. Though were still friends to this day. The second one, they were a bit clingy, but nothing too bad, the thing was, they helped me get out of my comfort zone. I tried to take pictures of myself and make it look pretty because hed always tell me Id look lovely, and his reactions to the pictures I took definitely proved it. I gained more confidence, started doing things I normally wouldnt do, I felt less depressed, but because I couldnt communicate and his clinginess was somehow just overbearing to me, I suddenly stopped talking to him one day, and continued doing so for 5 months. He kept messaging me but I just wouldnt reply. He even told my friends, who didnt know what I was doing. The thing was, he was open to communication, he wouldnt force things. Yet I still had to ruin it.

The third one however, this was a bit spontaneous and was a confession that I accepted impulsively, I also ghosted them. And we did eventually break up.

I dont know why but I do this to everyone, even my family. Though the only thing preventing me from stopping 100% communication with my family is because I live with them. All of my relationships and friendships are long distance, the only 2 friends whom I know irl, I avoid them in public.

2. Unstable identity - I dont have much to say but Im currently coping with this by making 3 different persona modes, (I know, this is not DID) 1 for when I feel like Im a useless human being, a bum doing nothing worthy in life, this is when I feel the most sense to act miserable and depressed. the other is my highly energetic self who is very focused on making my goals come true. the last is my "work mode", basically when Im performing to other people either casually or professionally, so mistakes here are not allowed and will absolutely make me overthink about everything.

3. Self-harm - Ive done this before for a few months though I stopped a few years ago, so I dont know if this still applies.

4. Extreme mood swings - I could feel depressed and cry about something for a few minutes but when the feelings of sadness is gone, and I suddenly get a sense of motivation to work on my goals, I just act like nothing happened and suddenly feel very energized. I could also feel laughter from a joke someone made but then a few minutes pass by and if the person who made the joke isnt there, I suddenly feel empty. Or if their there, I just mask the emotion by smiling or acting "normal". Sometimes it happens in a few seconds too, like seeing an ending to a movie and thinking "This was such a nice story" and a few seconds after walking out the cinema, "What? It wasnt that memorable" and feel empty afterwards. I can feel emotions for an extended period of time, but most of it has to be really strong, like a painful yearning for something in the past, or a very content feeling of euphoria. If its not strong enough, I only feel it for a few seconds, maybe minutes and then its gone, I dont feel anything anymore. I also relate to the part where you often dont show emotions at an appropriate time? Like, I could be crying about an animal, but when someone is venting about their problems, and I dont care, I just try my best to show that I feel sad, or when someone tells me about a good news, or that something good happens to me, I dont necessarily feel joy. The problem is I do care, but I have a hard time feeling like I *care*, if that makes sense.

5. Extreme anger - Im not really.. proud with this one. Ive been very physical at times, to my siblings, and even to animals. Though I think its because of my parents always punishing me by beating, and oftentimes it resulting in my bodies getting purple or feeling pain and having a slight hard time trying to walk, choking, etc. Its usually impulsive too, and depends on what the person, Im angry at, is doing. Im getting better at controlling it now and whenever I see a sibling or my cats doing something that gives me this feeling of "rage" inside, I try to calm myself and just get away from them. Rest assured though Ive never abused my cats badly to the point of hitting them with objects or starving them. Maybe a few seconds of choking, flicking the cats ear, or lightly smacking their head/kicking their body. I am not justifying this, I do feel immense guilt and I am actively working on trying to stop myself from doing this, especially because whenever I do it, its often impulsive and I feel like I cant "control" myself.

6. Suicidal thoughts - This kind of depends. I have moments where Id feel suicidal for days or weeks, and then there are times where I can go months without feeling like killing myself.

Can you relate to any of this?

This is more of a rant to the art community as a whole about how commissions are priced than something im personally struggling with

It irritates me when unpopular artists complain about not getting commissions when they price their artworks the same as professionals when the work they make have 5x times less quality. Sometimes, people try to be supportive by saying "youre underpricing your artwork!", "price it at minimum wage", and when the artists do that, they dont get any commissions, and they wonder why. And if someone tries to say something "negative" or "harsh" like "nobody is buying an artwork with that quality for that price", "you have to practice more and lower your prices", people respond with "well art isnt a need! its a privilege to be able to afford commissions!" yet they come crying when nobody buys their commissions, because not everyone has hundreds of dollars to spend on things like art every month. And guess what? Its also a privilege to be able to live as a freelance artist without worrying about rent and being able to afford daily necessities for months.

What also makes me mad is that, some artists, especially beginner, when they make 1 good artwork, they get too confident and immediately price it at a similar rate as a professional who can make consistently good artworks, and then comes the issue of not being able to produce the same quality artworks as the example they showed. And because of that, they immediately become demotivated and stop making art. Look, its not wrong for artists to try, and vent to others about their issues too, but the problem is, some of these artists reject valid criticism, keep making the same mistakes and then they end up in the same place, wondering why barely anyone wants to buy their commissions.

The "charge your commission price based on how long it takes for you to make the drawing" rule also doesnt make sense, beginners naturally spend more time trying to make something a professional can make in less time. Have you seen those professional manga artists who can sketch their own characters in insane details under a minute? Yet its common to see beginners try and make a decent drawing in 5-6 hours. Yet you wanna charge based on how long it takes for you to make the drawing. Based on that logic, its better for me to just get a commission from a professional because I guarantee you they can make a good doodle in less than 30 minutes and youd only have to pay for about 5 dollars, rather than beginners where itd take them hours and chances are the drawings will look decent at best, yet because they spent hours, youd have to pay the cost of a whole meal, typically 30-40 dollars, which is just insane. Just look at how artists in the industry get payed, their expected to draw quick (especially storyboard artists). Yet you dont see them earning less than a dime every month, despite drawing so quick.

Like, it just doesnt make sense to be telling a beginner who still has a shaky foundation that they should price their commissions at minimum wage when it doesnt work like that in other fields of work. Why would you pay 10 dollars to eat bad food made by an amateur chef when you can buy good food made by a professional chef for the same price? Okay, some people might pick the former, maybe they like the bad taste, maybe they want to support the amateur chef, but for the majority, itd be the latter. Its unstable. Youd have a much better chance at earning more if you had priced the commissions lower, especially if nobody wants to buy your art. I think this rule would only make sense if you were getting payed on a monthly basis by an employer, otherwise, if youre freelance it wouldnt work and would likely make your monthly income unstable.

Of course there are exceptions, if you have the demands and people are willing to spend hundreds of dollars just to get a doodle from you, then I mean, take the opportunity! But Im talking about the majority of artists, who are unknown, who are still developing artstyles, who has only a few fans. Its unfair to want the same benefits as those professional artists whove worked their ass off for years, even decades, to get to where they are now, especially when you are just starting out.

Asking this because my friend could do all three (I admit Im a bit jealous) and I wanna learn how to also do it as I can currently only draw good on traditional, but at the same time I think it would be a waste of time