Mom of two littles (vent)
Maybe its the lingering postpartum/weaning hormones, but I need to get this out somewhere as I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. Not sure if anyone will read this, but writing it should be cathartic within itself... If anyone does read this (apologize for the lengthiness), I'd truly appreciate any advice or wisdom from my fellow moms.
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Background: I have a 2.5 y/o energetic (as most are) toddler girl and a 3.5 month baby girl. I would've remained OAD due to a rough pregnancy + maternal burnout and overwhelm with just the one.. but "accidentally" found myself pregnant last July (and after much deliberation, decided to proceed with the pregnancy). The second pregnancy was just as awful (bedridden fatigue + months of nausea + a wild toddler (IYKYK)), but I'm so relieved I made it to the other side and I am so in love with my sweet baby. I was pretty scared of postpartum burnout again, but continuously reassured myself that things would be different this time around, since I would be working 3 days a week (finance job WFH). With my eldest, I left my full-time career to be a SAHM and quickly realized that it wasn't for me. I had planned to be a SAHM for several years before even getting pregnant and it certainly wasn't the way I had romanticized it to be. I couldn't ever mentally relax, literally had high cortisol all the time, newly acquired insomnia and eczema, dissociated away the first year of my daughter's life, the house was always a mess, and my husband even said we were living in chaos.
Anyways-- back to present day. I returned from my (3 mo.) maternity leave for 2 days and was then laid-off due to budget constraints after we lost two of our largest clients. I was really counting on those 3 days/week of work as my "time to relax" or be able to turn off the maternal hypervigilance. I have now been thrown back into full-time SAHM mode... this time with TWO young children (and a barking dog who just woke the baby up this morning). I didn't choose this and I'm really grieving the vision I had for this time. It sounds horrible and I feel guilty. I know I should be grateful for the extra time with my babies, but instead I'm just exhausted + full of dread. I feel like a terrible detached mother for thinking it. I hear myself getting short with my toddler and I sound so cranky. I feel so bad for her.
I will likely need to hire out some childcare just so I can job search, but it is unlikely I will even be able to find a part-time corporate (esp. wfh) job again. My husband is a very hands-on parent, but I try to end up using my "breaks" to catch-up on cleaning, or merely just shower. We don't have any family nearby also.
The Everyday-- I try to leave the house AMAP, because the days drag on forever otherwise (with a toddler in the house). However, half of outings end in regret and end up being more stressful coordinating the baby + toddler and the constant task switching between the two. The car rides (baby crying + toddler whining) are another trigger. I tried to sign-up for library story time, but it filled up immediately the last two times I tried and there weren't any spots left. I don't even know how to keep my toddler entertained.. she is asking "to do fun stuff" all day everyday and is extremely active and asks a million questions and wants my constant attention (understandably so). I count down the minutes until naptime/bedtime, but cry when the baby rejects them. My house is a disaster, no matter how hard I try. I also have ADHD, so that doesn't help the disorganization and low frustration tolerance/burnout.
I don't know how to fill my days, or how to even stick with a routine, or even how not to hate my life. I know these years are so precious too and my girls deserve so much better. I wish I had some answers and I hate the curveball of my layoff.