u/Justkeepswimming85

My BPD ex left me 6 weeks ago. I know that I was also unhappy with how I was being treated in our relationship, so many things everyone else here has listed: being gaslit, having everything framed as though I’m a monster, the constant things about myself I need to work on while she didn’t have to put in the same effort, the hurtful comments, etc.

I did all the classic things, I made myself smaller to avoid the arguments, worked on every aspect of my personality to make her happy and our relationship smoother. Let so much stuff go because it didn’t feel worth the drama.

We were together over a decade, and even with all the things I just said, the good times were so good and I loved her with everything I had.

She’s in my dreams and I can barely sleep, I’m finally eating and not crying most of the day, and we are no contact for the last 2 weeks and I know she has someone else.

Logically, I know this is the right thing, but I fought so hard to make things work at the end and she had totally split on me and looked at me like I was a stranger.

How do you function and move on from this stage? It’s breaking me and it’s all I can do to just go to work everyday.

Thanks.

Hi All,
I was recommended this group over the years for one reason or another, hoped I’d never have to post, but here we are.

My soon to be ex-wife and I were together for 13 years, things were amazing at the beginning and then we hit a huge bump in the road about year 4. She became just downright mean and hurtful to me most of the time. Anything I brought up about our her or our relationship would be my fault and anger and tears would flow throughout.
I was ready to leave, but around the same time she checked herself into a mental health facility where she was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD from her childhood.

I figured we had a name for it and so there was a medical reason and it would be foolish to throw away the relationship without seeing if things worked out.

She went to therapy every week, group every week and support groups for years. She, to this day, still goes to her DBT therapist once a week. I will say that I am proud of the work she has put in to try and help her condition.

The highs were very high, she was very loving and affectionate, she would say all the things you want to hear. But the actions never seemed to follow the words. The changes she needed to make never came. We still got to points where I would ask her for some help and she would list 15 different reasons I am a bad partner or person. There was always something about me that needed to change, and I would work hard on those things. Meanwhile, she would try to change one thing and within 2/3 weeks we were always back at square one.

I chose her everytime things got rough, I helped us out when she couldn’t work due to mental health issues, I took care of her when she had surgery, I would plan and pay for vacations to do things she liked. I worked hard to be a good partner. I’m not perfect by any means, but I learned how to be a better partner for her needs over the years.

In the last 4 months, she left me 3 times. First was to a female friend’s house. She called me the next day and told me that she was overwhelmed and it wasn’t just me and she still loved me, but she needed a break. She said she’d be back in a couple days and we talked and communicated the whole time.

Then about 2 months later, she told me that we needed to actually break up. We sat and talked through everything and decided there was something to be saved so we decided to really work on things. And things got a lot better, better than they had been in years. We were both being the people we could be. And then came the hammer blow. She said something incredibly hurtful to me that was something she very well knew I was vulnerable about in the middle of the day. I calmly told her that her saying that really hurt me, and she responded with “I meant it”
That’s when I knew things were bad.

She broke up with me finally around a month ago, left same day, took a bunch of clothes and things to her parents house.

When she came back to talk a couple days later, she was a different person. Totally resolute on leaving and talked to me like we’d been broken up for years. I was in complete agony talking to her trying to make things work and she was cold and didn’t even look at me the same way. She looked at me like we’d just met. She would not say “I love you” if I said it, she just told me “It’s complicated”

All the time when I was trying to make a case for making things work she was telling me everything wrong I’ve ever done and dragging my name through the mud in every way possible. The definition of kicking someone while they’re down, bringing up the way I phrased an argument 8 years ago when I’m asking if we have let all this love and time go to waste.

I’m certain there was someone else, she turned off location sharing the second she left and took her ring off same day. She became incredibly private about her phone, buying a screen to hide being able to view it from the side. It didn’t work as well as she thought it did and I saw texts from a guy that I know she didn’t know when we were together, and I’d catch her literally daydreaming and smiling after a message when we had to be around each other for legal things.

That’s the hardest part. Losing your person and them already hating you and falling head over heels for someone else and it hasn’t even been 3 weeks since she left you. That infatuation that you recognize was directed at you in the past.
You know they left you to go be with someone who knowingly broke up your marriage. And of course, even at the end, she denies it. Because her own self image matters more than the actual truth, even when there’s nothing to lose anymore.

I truthfully never thought she could be the person she was at the end. I’m sure a lot of people say that, but I thought she was a good person who just had a mental health issue. I thought she truly loved me and even if we separated, we would be good to each other. I kept my end of that deal.

I am all kinds of messed up about it all and nothing seems to help. I can’t get the image of her smiling when hearing from him out of my head. I can understand her not wanting to be with me, but being replaced that fast and that hard is something I’m not dealing with well. So I figured I’d ask those who’ve been here before for advice on what to do.

Thanks.

My soon to be Ex-Wife wanted to break up and left our house 3 weeks ago. She seemed very conflicted at first, but always came back to wanting a divorce. I have been completely willing to do what she needs and offered ways to try and save our marriage but she isn’t interested.

Obviously, we need to communicate things about how to continue to separate and although most of her belongings are gone, there are still some more items and legal issues we need to take care of.

To that end, she was texting me yesterday and I asked if we could call instead, as it would be easier. I gave her an early evening time and she agreed.

I called and I was trying to keep the conversation brief, and about 2 minutes in, I hear the unmistakable sound of bed springs in rhythm. I noted in and let it go on for about 30 seconds until I asked her what the noise I could hear was. The moment I asked her, it stopped. She said she was just standing, talking to me and had “no idea” what it could be.

If you’ve ever stayed in a hotel, or had neighbors who like a good time, you know exactly what that sound is. There’s nothing else that really sounds like it, and given that it stopped the moment I brought it up to her, and she offered no explanation at all, makes me think she was having sex with someone while talking to me.

Part of me feels like I might just be going nuts, but it was so apparent what that sound was. The other part of me feels like that’s the most crazy disrespectful thing you could do to someone who’s being very agreeable in a divorce they didn’t want.

I have to see her tomorrow and I want to bring it up, but I know she wouldn’t tell me the truth anyway.

What would you do?