u/K01a1a

Long story short, my father cheated on my mother a couple of years ago and since then my mom’s relationship with alcohol has become really concerning. She is not drunk every day, which is part of why I think I’ve struggled to fully understand whether this qualifies as alcoholism or not, but when she does drink, it often becomes extreme.

Over the past two years there have been multiple incidents involving my siblings being called in the middle of the night to help my dad manage her while she was belligerently drunk, attempts to drink and drive, almost getting arrested for public intoxication, etc.

I live out of state, and when things get bad with my dad she comes to stay with me. Every time she visits, I ask her not to drink while she’s here. Every single time, I either find hidden alcohol somewhere in my house or catch her trying to secretly order drinks when we go out. During her most recent visit, I found a hidden bottle of wine in a closet and later found her extremely intoxicated and incoherent in my guest room in the middle of the night.

She is coming to visit again, and this time I felt I needed to be more firm about the no-alcohol boundary. I called her today and asked her for the second time not to drink when she is here. She completely blew up at me and said none of us appreciate how much she helps us and that we all exaggerate her drinking problem and that she didn’t appreciate my tone.

The thing is, she is incredibly helpful with my kids when she visits, and I truly do appreciate her. I also know she is deeply hurt from everything that happened in her marriage. But at the same time, these incidents have become emotionally exhausting and stressful, and I don’t want alcohol in my home or around my children.

Now I’m left feeling guilty and questioning myself. Maybe my delivery wasn’t perfect, but I still feel strongly that I have the right to set this boundary in my home.
I guess I’m also trying to educate myself more on alcoholism because I think I had this idea that alcoholics drink every day, and that’s not her. But when she drinks, she loses control completely. I feel like I am trying to help with someone who doesn’t want help. I don’t want to loose the relationship but my other siblings have already cut her off due to her drinking.

AITAH for setting boundaries in my own house to parents?!

I am not sure if this is the right place to post this.

Long story short, my father cheated on my mother a couple of years ago and since then my mom’s relationship with alcohol has become really concerning. She is not drunk every day, which is part of why I think I’ve struggled to fully understand whether this qualifies as alcoholism or not, but when she does drink, it often becomes extreme.

Over the past two years there have been multiple incidents involving my siblings being called in the middle of the night to help my dad manage her while she was belligerently drunk, attempts to drink and drive, almost getting arrested for public intoxication, etc.

I live out of state, and when things get bad with my dad she comes to stay with me. Every time she visits, I ask her not to drink while she’s here. Every single time, I either find hidden alcohol somewhere in my house or catch her trying to secretly order drinks when we go out. During her most recent visit, I found a hidden bottle of wine in a closet and later found her extremely intoxicated and incoherent in my guest room in the middle of the night.

She is coming to visit again, and this time I felt I needed to be more firm about the no-alcohol boundary. I called her today and asked her for the second time not to drink when she is here. She completely blew up at me and said none of us appreciate how much she helps us and that we all exaggerate her drinking problem and that she didn’t appreciate my tone.

The thing is, she is incredibly helpful with my kids when she visits, and I truly do appreciate her. I also know she is deeply hurt from everything that happened in her marriage. But at the same time, these incidents have become emotionally exhausting and stressful, and I don’t want alcohol in my home or around my children.

Now I’m left feeling guilty and questioning myself. Maybe my delivery wasn’t perfect, but I still feel strongly that I have the right to set this boundary in my home.
I guess I’m also trying to educate myself more on alcoholism because I think I had this idea that alcoholics drink every day, and that’s not her. But when she drinks, she loses control completely. Has anyone dealt with something similar? Or have advice? I feel like I am trying to help with someone who doesn’t want help. I don’t want to loose the relationship but my other siblings has already cut her off due to her drinking.