u/K1tty_p4w

I'm not too sure if i can post about this topic but i need to get it off my mind.

Ever since i was little i've fantasized being kidnapped, beat up or harmed and then taken care of. I've thought about doing the same things to other people and I'm very guilty. I think the cause of this is my horrible relationship with my father and all of the times i was sexually assaulted (probably more than 30 times because i was getting assaulted every day at school and by my father).

I've gone to probably 10 therapists but i've never said anything about these fantasies because I'm ashamed and don't know how to start. Can someone give me some advice?

We were little,

Oh, so little

When I first spoke to you,

My silly wish,

“A vampire”, i whisper afraid,

Like something forbidden.

You looked at me weirdly,

“ A monster? “, you said firmly.

Now I ask how it is,

Sinking your sharp fangs,

Into warm silky flesh,

Plump of life.

Pale and beautiful as an angel,

Soul dark and stale as a devil.

Every night you feast on sapid nectar,

You talk of sorrowful stories untold,

That you've stolen from pitiful me.

Every full moon you try to fit in,

With the pathetic wolves,

You've always despised.

Because you feel it, don't you?

Something you've never had to experience,

All of the sadness in their being

That you feed on.

And every time you get close,

Mumbling a sweet tune,

You flash your fangs

And still I believe,

Believe in the goodness of what lays on your tongue

The sugar coated speech.

Would you teach me how to be a cruel blood sucking monster?

In my words - a vampire.

I have very faint memories of something happening between us. The problem is that I think these assaults were happening while I was asleep. I really really hope that my mind is just playing tricks on me because I've finally started fixing my bond with my father to hopefully cure my daddy issues in some way.

To start I've been physically and emotionally abused practically my whole life by my father (aside from my mother). I'm sorry of this is too explicit but I really need someone to tell this to. I remember when I was like 5-6 he used to come in the shower with me to help me clean up. He liked towering over me and holding me by the back of my neck. I never really understood why he did that so i'd always joke and tell him I'm not a dog (i thought he put his hand there like a leash) and he answered me "If i want you to be a dog for me, you will. I also remember how he lathered his hands with scented soap and cleaned my private parts until it burned and he used to laugh at me.

I also remember wetting the bed frequently and somehow always when I wake up he was already up. He used to humiliate me for wetting the bed and I think he got off on that. I used to get a lot of urinary infections and i've seen that they could be caused by sexual assault. I had a lot of weird photos and he was very controlling and made me do a lot of things that couples usually do. Like sitting in his lap, kissing him on the lips, eating from the same spoon or even eating spaghetti (I was on one side of the noodle while he was on the other side until our lips touch).

I've never told anyone about this and I'm so scared that people won't take me seriously because my dad has been amazing the past 2 years and I really hope this isn't true. Would love some advice or just validation <3