Lost my best friend over the last few months and I can't help but feel like my life is over
I'm 19f and my friends are around the same age for context. My formatting is REALLY BAD lol. The text might be very ranty and disjointed, I apologize.
I'm very reclusive, and rarely hang out with my friends. But I live for the interactions I have with them online. I'm so depressed that they're all I have, and they know this. I only had four friends all of last year, and I cherished all of them so much, even though we never hung out in person. One of them stopped talking to me literally overnight. I spammed her with voice notes over New Year's Eve, sent her some videos for like a week after that, and she never replied to me again. But I wasn't too shaken up about it, because around that time I was getting closer with who I thought to be my best friend. We talked about everything with each other. We vented about our trauma, had deep conversations every week, shared everything with each other. We were really close to hanging out in person a couple times but had issues get in the way. We were just so close and I loved her so much.
Around mid January she got a boyfriend, and started messaging me a bit less. Whenever she did get back with me she would tell me she was busy with school. But I would always see her post about hanging out and partying with other people. Over the next few months she just faded away gradually. She promised to get back with me over her spring break, then waited till the very last day and only responded to a few voice notes while she waited on an Uber to go to a party. I kept telling myself she was just busy with school, and that when her classes ended it would be back to normal. But she just got less and less interested in me. She sent me a video like a month and a half ago, which was the last time she seemed to actually want to talk to me. She said she'd get to my messages soon.
After that she just likes a few TikToks i sent her. Gave me a disinterested response when I replied to one of her stories, and since then nothing. I feel so betrayed. Someone who said she loved me and she cared about me just faded away without warning. Leaving me desperate and wondering what I did wrong. I guess she tried to let me down easy. But I just feel lied to. I miss her so much. Every day I have an internal conflict with myself over what I did wrong, or if she just forgot about me, or if I should give her the benefit of the doubt, and maybe she really is just busy and will eventually apologize and things will be back to normal.
Most of all I feel like such a loser. Why do I have to be so attached to this girl? Like why am I so desperate? Why do I need her attention and reassurance so bad? Why do I put her on a pedestal like this? Its like I can't stop idolizing her. I have other friends. But its hard to connect with them in this mental state. I just want to hear her voice again. I miss my best friend. A lot. Too much maybe.
Sorry for the really long post lol.