I met an actual angel, and ruined everything.
I met someone on Reddit in the most unlikely way. The timing for both of us had to be absolutely perfect since we both don't do much socializing online and we were at perfect timing to be open to new people.
She believed in magic... not a specific religion but her own blend of how this world works and all the good spiritual things that help and guide you along in life, to get you exactly where you want to be.
Not only is this woman so unique and so unlike anybody else I have ever met, and perfect for me in so many niche ways, but the number of near impossible 'coincidences' that happened multiple times a week were an undeniable sign that our paths were intensional directed together. It would take divine signal after signal after signal to make me believe in spirituality, and that's exactly what happened.
This woman is intelligent, beautiful, kind, ambitious, philosophical, funny. Perfect in so many ways. And without asking she gave me multiple life changing opportunities and even held my hand along the way.
I will need to be vague about the work we tried to do but it is in a generally high stress industry and I failed at the simplest things. Simple tasks, simple guidelines. Every choice or action i needed to make felt like it had the weight of my entire future on it, and she was depending on me, a lot of her success at the time was dependant on me just getting the thing done.
I can't tell if it was because my sensitivity overstimulating me and leading to me zoning out mentally or if it's brain fog. But it seemed like when I needed speed it wasn't there, when I needed ideas nothing came, when I needed focus I would zone out or spiral. It felt like my days only had 18 hours.
This is not a consistent thing because I go through periods of insane productivity and genius creativity. I was in that phase when we first connected.
I have wasted months of this amazing person's life. Who invested time and money and love into me for nothing.
I am struggling to comprehend how such a miracle could come my way just for me to fck it up (excuse the language). I don't know how to fix myself. I think sensitivity is a factor as I am very susceptible to crying. But it may be social anxiety or autism, I don't even know. Is there something I can take or do to just overcome this defect? I refuse to end myself, but damn this life thing is impossible for me.
Any advice or kind words will be cherished. I'm so completely lost.