u/Katie-Seta-Arianna

(I wrote this to answer someone else. I’m sharing for context. I want to know if anyone feels anything from my dear Chloe? Is she alright? Is she with Neb Ra and Nebet Bast now? Will I see her when it is my time?)

Anger is normal. It’s telling you how you are, what you stand for and what you don’t. Something’s can change. Some things cannot. Sadly, death is one of those things. Cancer - depending on how well radiation and medicine and surgery work - and it conquering the body is another thing that can’t be controlled. But anger is normal.

I’m angry about a lot of things. For sake of brevity, I’ll keep it on topic. August 26th 2025, I had to put my little girl, my Chloe, a young tortoiseshell that just turned 8, to sleep. I question a lot of things. Could she have gotten better if I took her home? What was wrong with her and was it curable? Did I do the right thing overall? Not only am I angry and sad, but I’m also troubled.

You see, I’m poor. Working call center customer service does not pay a living wage - and employers are fine with that. I was making decent money for customer service, but I can’t afford my own place, furniture, food, a car…. I have to live with my elderly mother (and I’m choosing to as well, because she’s elderly and can’t do a lot.). I had no money to pay and see what was wrong with her.

I feel the emergency vets twisted my arm to put her to sleep. Or, I’m beginning to. They wouldn’t accept a payment plan that included treatment for her, only one that ended her life. And they were very unsympathetic in the letter that they sent me where they agreed to a week or two extension on the final pay date. If I didn’t pay, they were going to do a communal cremation and I would not receive her ashes like I wanted.

Luckily I had a windfall and got a grant because I was recovering from an emergency surgery I had to have on Labor Day. It paid for everything and then some. I was going to get her ashes back! And it must be said that the nurses and doctor and office staff there were sympathetic to my face. They were nice. It’s just that letter.

Anyhow, it’s months later, but now I wonder and have suspicions about them. They did a preliminary work up where they said they found flea dirt. She never had fleas! Unless some got in from open doors and windows, or we have some down in the cellar where she was hiding the past few days of her life. Her gums were pale, which said she had anemia, or a parasite from the fleas. Dr. said she could have cancer.

Dr. said it was not out of the realm to think of euthanasia. Without money to test and treat her, I agreed to it. I cried the whole time. I was allowed to hold her. I talked to her and finally was able to give her a kiss on the head as I always wanted. She gave a meow. Was she begging me to reconsider? Was there hope? I will never know now.

They would only give me a payment plan reluctantly if I euthanized her. I have some much guilt and sorrow. It’s terrible. I just don’t know if I gave up on her too soon. Questions will never be answered. After she passed, her sister, a void named Piewacket, has been extra lovey-dovey to me (of course, only on her terms). I don’t know if she really grieved Chloe’s loss.

So I understand the anger. Resentment. I know this is very long. I wish you well. Keep talking and keep going to therapy. Your baby is still with you, you just can’t see him/her now. I am sorry for your loss. Take care.