i finally used a packer and now im confused [f 20]
hi im new to Reddit, sorry in advance for the long-ish post
from when i was about 10 ive imagined myself as a boy. typically when making senarios before falling asleep. this was never something i was necessarily conscious of tho. growing up i also went through a phase where i hated looking feminine, i would argue with my mom constantly about my distain for dresses and skirts and even wore a suit for prom. (much to her dismay) i always tell people that im on the asexual spectrum because of my adversion to sexual things, and the role id be expected to play in them,making me feel too "feminine" and would much prefer being in the "mans" position. these were also things i never thought about too much. i never thought about these things to much because i never really struggled with the consept of being a woman. i knew there were things about it that threw me off but other than that i had no issue with being called she/her and all that. another thing to note before i get to the point is that ive always had horrible self esteem. i always ridicule my looks and body, never feeling confident in myself.
so, recently as ive entered college and away from my homophobic and transphobic family ive been feeling free. i openly identify as bisexual, that knowledge was previously something that was reserved to my closest friends. now i frequent queer spaces and many of my new friends are queer and/or on the trans spectrum. the thing ive been keeping to myself tho, is my growing uncomfortability with my genitals. i started fantasizing about my body with a different anatomy in a very real way for the past 2 years. i started doing research to 1, see if im going crazy and 2, explore those options. thats when i learned what a packer was and even better, what a stp packer was and began dreaming of owning one. this morning a strong feeling of "i feel wrong with a vagina" happened and i ended up crafting a diy one out of pure desperation. i feel amazing. i havent been able to stay out of the mirror and even left my apartment to pick up some packages wearing it. the weird feelings and insecurity about my body kinda vanished. the packer maked me feel "correct".
the thing is, now im very confused. now that im older ive mostly embraced my femininity. started wearing proper bras, croptops, and even dresses (only on special occasion.) i generally look very femme, i wear my hair supper long, known for my flashy jewelry and such. but after my reflections today, and this amazing feeling i have with this packer, im questioning if i REALLY am a woman. i did some research and decided that i might be a a demi girl, or just non binary, or maybe im going through some psychosis. dispite this ive put a realistic looking stp packer in my shopping cart and am planning on maybe buying it when i get paid.
my question is, where do i go from here? should i keep wearing my diy packer for some time before investing on a real one? go all in? calm down? any advice would really help. thank you.