u/Key-Improvement1840

1 month is my limit for everything - hobby, work and pretty much everything. I just can't show up after a month like a curse. My attention span is just so trash and I genuinely can't handle the anxiety just from the thought of having to go to places that I just don't want to be there anymore so I only have quitting as an option just to function normally on a daily basis. I want to be a rock or a tree that doesn't have to do anything to simply exist.

As an e4 I am always in trouble for being too self involved/absorbed and not giving a shit but I somehow get to put e9's needs first as an exception. Something in me just makes me so triggered when I see them being way too selfless all the time. So I just get really attentive to any piece of information that an e9 could want subconsciously. For example when 4 people(me, e9 friend and others) go to a bakery and that one e9 friend says something like "that cake looks good" I just order it only bc I feel like that person wanted to try it deep down. Maybe I am just overreacting and putting too much meaning but I would usually act like an asshole and order shit that no one wants only bc I think it's cool or has special meaning that normal people really dont give a shit about. I only had 2 e9s on and off in my life but I honestly want to have e9s throughout my entire life so I could be less self absorbed and behave like a normal adult lol

How are you doing? I just feel so scared whenever I have to have small talks with anyone feeling like I would get called out as the odd one out and somethings really disturbingly off w me. Also I feel like you have to get to know each other later as time passes and can't use the I'm new here card as an excuse and feel like everyone would hate me so so much and make the whole room uncomfortable and awkward for not being able to be one of them and not being able to be a real human being.

I started working as an intern somehow and there were other student interns as well. I just realized that you had to network in your early years of college to socialize in work as also and even before that you were supposed to choose the correct major in highschool to work and study for your passion and get a related job. I feel like I dozed off completely during my early adulthood and I thought it was bc I wasn't employed and had to go to school instead of working when I hated school(yes both hs and college) bc I can't study for shit w adhd but now that I am working somehow I just realize I still have no fucking idea what I am doing with my life. Other student interns have normal social life to connect with and they actually are working here bc they want to get a further career in this field and even if I masked to seem like I care I felt so dead inside bc I couldnt give a single fuck about anything. I genuinely don't know how and why I missed out every important life decisions that I was supposed to work on at a certain period in life just to realize I messed up every single part of life when I can't make any changes anymore and is too burntout to even know what I actually want to do anymore and now I have absolutely no idea what I am doing w my life. I really can't deal with the feeling of being an empty shell and seeing no directions in life when I thought being employed would simply solve general anxiety and identity crisis that I've been dealing with my entire life since highschool. I seriously wished a car would hit me on my way home bc it's clearer than ever that I am the fucking problem that is fundamentally unfixable and feel so much anger for er and psych making me live again basically as a zombie when I made a choice of ending myself with the exact same problem few years ago bc I just knew it was unfixable the whole time. Idk wtf really I feel like life is just constantly happening but I'm not mentally present every single time

I've tried 3 group job interviews in total so far and I just feel so shitty everytime because I get to feel how mentally inadequate I am compared to peers in the interview. I try so hard to hide my neurodivergence but I can just feel I am the odd one out and not going to get the job even during the interview(and it turns out to be true not a low self esteem type of problem). The whole time I can feel how I cannot mask at all even though I am trying and I just have to lie about myself all the time to not look like a psychopath and makes me scared that even if I get the job they would remember my lies and ask them about it. Even so everyone is just so mature and formal in speaking while I lowkey speak like a highschooler/freshman when I am literally going to graduate college this year. I just feel so inapporpriate in general and regret all my life decisions for not thinking of a career that my audhd doesn't affect me from doing the job. I just don't see a future with me- I can't imagine myself getting the job and working on one. The feeling of being the odd one out just makes me question my existence and life and why the fuck am I even still alive and it's already June and I don't think I can get a job and get my shit together ever.

My social battery is so low that I cried inside a closet because I felt so tired by just chatting. The whole waiting for a reply and thinking of what to say just sucks my brain power out. I feel like I get existential dread for being alone but I get panic attacks just by basic level of socializing(it's below basic tbh). I talked to people with depression and it's nice that there are some common grounds but it makes me feel so alone at the end of the day that no one would have this awful less amount of capacity to just do basic socializing. I literally can't keep up with basic chores because even chatting with one person online would make me emotionally overwhelmed and drain my entire energy of the day. I just can't do this anymore really and the fact that no one would ever get me just freaks me out. I just needed to yap/vent bc I can't say this to the only person I'm communicating with lol..... sigh..... We started as talking about deep inner thoughts but at the end of the day I still have to mask again to keep in contact..... I feel like I'd never be comfortable around anyone and that's just really sad....

I think ppl get confused when they can't label something directly and life is hard when you can't really label yourself with their labels. Even if I literally have diagnosed audhd most people irl really don't know what it is unlike online communities or at least in my area it's not a real thing. So all they get to see is:
- me being too incompetent for normal people activities but too smart to fall for dumb illogical stuff like cult or religion
- lack of social skills compared to normal people but not completely off compared to ppl with only autism
- too many dark thoughts compared to most people but it's really not that deep compared to ppl that have pride in studying philosophy or into heavy reading or education
All of this makes it really hard to belong somewhere or find someone that I can actually relate to. I just feel like that one awkward sibling in the family but for me it's my entire adulthood not just in your family

I literally can't find anything that I like to do to a point I can't even decide my career because I really don't have any activity I'd like to do.
I only listen to music and doonscroll youtube. I feel like there are way too many creeps online so I want to meet people irl first but I just don't know where and how. I'm really just stuck and there's absolutely no way out of this

Everyone is like what is wrong with you to have no job experience when it's the easiest major to just get a normal office or a finance job experience and it makes me look really worthless. The thing is my weaknesses are what my major requires and my strengths are kind of opposite of my major- I literally have no concept of numbers in my head even though I tried to study for accounting and finance and my potential strengths are language translation or research in second language and maybe graphics(just on a hobby level but you see what type of person I am). I'm just so bitter that I spent 4 damn years studying for a major I didn't even want to study nor can use it to get a job because it definitely doesn't align with any of my strengths. The whold purpose of getting a degree is to at least get a related job experience so when people with a degree even struggle to get a job experience I have no idea how I'd ever get a job experience that matches my strengths without a degree and any type of related project. I can't do more education to get a degree that actually matches my strengths no more and is just left to get a job as soon as possible but I just really have no idea what to do with life and can't move on from the fact that I did and gained absolutely nothing for these years :(