I’m struggling to make sense of my bond with my former teacher
I’m \[24F adult\] now, and I recently found some old messages between me and my junior high school teacher from back when I was still a student there.
we are both female, and while I never knew her exact age back then, looking back at our history now has left me feeling super confused.
I’ll just paste some of the messages she sent me here since I can’t attach screenshots in this Reddit community. these were the messages:
• “And i miss so much of you... A lot.”
• “No, you are always doubting yourself as one promise keeper.. but we do trust you. I do trust you.
You need to believe that I trust you. Nobody else will.”
• “Do not ever ever forget that you are very special to me. I love you a whole lot. Always here for you! 😘*”*
• “yes and i miss you a lot”
• “❤️* with love. dont cry you have us. we may not be family by blood but in heart..*”
• “and Christmas is coming. you being there alive and happy is a perfect gift for me. i know you always wanted to give me gifts. give me those. but also for us. we love you”
• “I always love you. I do. your thoughts are total opposite of mine. love you.”
• “Hehehe. Miss me?”
• Her: I love how you are honed.
My reply: Honed?
Her: You’re the sweetest and sincerest.
• “You’re the truest child I encounter, but you need confidence booster and guarded therapeutic words.”
• “I miss you. I’m sorry if it’s super random that i thought of you”
• “Haha i really miss you. I appreciate your effort always ❤”
• “I miss those moments with you”
• Me: How are you?
Her reply: Miss me?
• “I miss you 😘*”*
• “I miss you sooooooo bad.”
• “I miss you. I miss your presence.”
To give some context:
I had a massive crush on her starting in 8th grade that grew into a one-sided where I fell in love with her without her knowing, lasting all the way through 10th grade.
We weren't close at all in 8th grade, but because I was very attention-seeking and pursuing, we eventually grew close. I used to buy her gifts, some chocolates or any random food she loves.
We used to go out together for coffee, late-night walks, movies, and even on Valentine’s Day, I brought her food and went to her apartment, which was just nearby our school (Though to be fair, other students hung out at her apartment sometimes too, like when a group of students would go over to record cover songs).
Other people definitely noticed our closeness. Schoolmates would say things to me like:
"I noticed you and \[teacher\] always go home together after school. I first saw you in her faculty and I always see you there."
"Are you and \[teacher\] relatives? I notice you two are so close."
She even told me once herself that other teachers thought we were a couple, and she casually brought that up in front of our other students.
My 24-year-old self feels kind of off imagining myself saying these things to someone younger, but maybe she's just really sweet as a person generally?? especially since everyone on campus loved her.
but to me, at this age of 24, it just feels kinda off to imagine myself saying things like that to someone younger, or especially if im a teacher and they’re a student
At the same time, I know her. She’s a good, decent person with solid values, and I still have a lot of respect for her.
Recently, she sent me a quick message just asking about me with a casual greeting. She’s married and has a family now
Part of me still struggles to understand where our bond fell on the platonic spectrum, especially considering how I felt about her.
when my friends and i one time open up about this topic, they said that i was being groomed. Altho idk what to say bc I know she’s a good person, yet at the same time looking back it feels off somehow.
I’m not going to lie, I did get excited and happy when she gave me attention. I really enjoyed those moments and probably looked forward to them more than I realized. I think that’s part of why I’m having a hard time making sense of my feelings about the bond.
So my question is: how should I understand the nature of the bond we had, especially given how I felt about her? I’d really appreciate your advice.
TL;DR: I’m 24F and had a major crush on my former junior-high teacher, and we eventually became very close back then. Looking back at our interactions now, I’m trying to make sense of the nature of our bond and my own feelings toward it.