u/Kindly_Flamingo4428

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 1 year. When we started dating, I knew he was asexual and understood the basic definition. I didn't realize how important sexual intimacy and feeling sexually desired by my partner would eventually become to me. The confusing part is that we did have sex and intimacy during our relationship and marriage, and I genuinely enjoyed it. It felt loving, connected, and fulfilling to me. My husband has also told me that he enjoyed having sex with me and thought it was fun.

Over time, though, things changed. He doesn't experience sexual attraction toward me or anyone else, and sex isn't something he naturally desires in the way that I do. I've realized that sexual intimacy is much more important to me than I understood when we were dating. I don't blame him for being asexual, and I don't think he should have to change something about himself just to make me happy.

There's also been a communication issue that has made everything harder. My husband recently told me that he had been unhappy for about a year but didn't tell me because he would rather be unhappy and still have me than risk losing me. I love my husband very much. I don't want to punish him for being asexual, and I don't want him to feel like he isn't enough. But I'm also starting to realize that I may have needs that he simply can't meet.

So here's where I feel like a butt face: I knew he was asexual. I chose to marry him. I didn't fully understand the implications of that choice at the time. Now Im realizing that I may not be able to live without the sexual intimacy I need? Does that make me selfish or unfair?

TLDR: I knew my husband was asexual when we started dating, but I understood the definition without fully understanding what it would mean for our marriage. We actually had an intimate/sexual relationship that both of us enjoyed, but over time I've realized how important sexual intimacy and feeling desired are to me. AITB for marrying him without fully understanding the implications and now questioning whether I can accept an asexual marriage?

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for a little over a year. We are currently in couples therapy because we have been struggling with intimacy, communication, and feeling disconnected.

My husband is asexual. I knew this when we got together, and I understood what the term meant in a basic sense. Looking back, though, I don't think I fully understood what asexuality would mean in a long-term marriage or how important sexual intimacy and feeling sexually desired would eventually become to me.

We did have a sexual/intimate relationship before and during our marriage. I really enjoyed our intimacy and felt like it was loving, connected, and fulfilling. He has also told me that he enjoyed having sex with me and that he thought it was fun. So from my perspective, I wasn't knowingly entering a completely sexless marriage. We were having sex, and it felt good between us. I think that's part of why I didn't fully understand how different our experiences of sexuality actually were or how much that difference might affect us later.

I don't blame him for being asexual, and I don't blame myself for not understanding all of the implications when we were dating. I'm trying to understand whether we are simply facing an incompatibility that we didn't recognize earlier.

Over time, the lack of sexual intimacy has become extremely painful for me. I don't blame him for his body not responding the way either of us might wish it would. At the same time, I have realized that sexual intimacy is an important need for me, and I'm scared that if we can't find a way to have a fulfilling intimate relationship, I could eventually become resentful. Recently, we've had some conversations that have made me realize there may be a bigger communication problem between us.

My husband told me he had been unhappy for about a year but didn't tell me because he would rather be unhappy and still have me than risk losing me. He also said that he started pulling away because he believed I had told him I wanted an open relationship. I never actually said that. He had apparently misunderstood something and believed I had said it. More recently, we were talking about scheduling our next therapy session. He said therapy is very hard on our relationship and that the last session itself was fine, but that things were terrible afterwards.

When we got home, he became quiet. I asked what was wrong, and eventually he told me that he was thinking about something I had supposedly said in therapy. He told me that I had said that if we didn't start having sex again, it would be a deal breaker and I would leave. I told him that I never said that.

What I actually said was that I was afraid that after we tried everything, the lack of sex could eventually become a deal breaker for me, because I don't want to reach a point where I resent him. To me, those statements are very different. One is an ultimatum; the other was me expressing a fear about what might happen in the future. He responded that "that's what I heard." I told him that I understood that's what he heard, but it wasn't what I said. I asked him that in the future, if he isn't sure what I mean or thinks he heard something that seems significant, he please ask me to clarify rather than assuming.

He agreed and said we need to work on our communication. I then asked whether he understood why he keeps interpreting things this way or whether he could take some responsibility for his part in misunderstanding what I said. That conversation didn't really go anywhere.

Meanwhile, I've spent a lot of time thinking I must have done something wrong because I don't understand why he's pulling away. I don't think he's intentionally trying to hurt me. I actually think he's afraid of losing me and may believe that keeping things to himself protects our relationship. But I'm struggling with the fact that he is making decisions based on things he believes I've said without checking with me first. I'm also struggling with the fact that he was unhappy for so long without telling me. I keep thinking, why wouldn't you let me know so we could try to fix it together?

The confusing part is that he genuinely wants to work on our marriage. He has told me he believes we'll come out stronger from this. I love him very much and truly can't imagine my life without him. But I also don't know if I can accept a marriage without the kind of sexual intimacy and feeling of being desired that I need.

So my questions are: Does this sound like a communication pattern, or am I reading too much into it? How can we break the cycle of him interpreting something, becoming hurt, and withdrawing instead of asking me to clarify? How much responsibility should each of us take for this pattern? Has anyone been in a relationship where one partner avoids difficult conversations because they're afraid the truth will hurt the other person? And, most importantly, how do you work through a major sexual incompatibility when you genuinely love each other and neither person is necessarily "wrong"?

TLDR: My husband and I are in couples therapy because of sexual incompatibility and communication problems. I knew he was asexual when we got together and understood the basic definition, but I didn't fully understand what it would mean for a long-term marriage or how important sexual intimacy would become to me. My husband has also repeatedly interpreted things I said differently from what I meant, become hurt by his interpretation, and withdrawn without telling me. He also hid his unhappiness for about a year because he was afraid of losing me. We love each other and want to work on the marriage, but I'm starting to wonder whether our communication pattern and sexual incompatibility can actually be resolved. I'm looking for perspectives from people who've experienced something similar.

I still have lots to say about how things happened, but when we talk, you don’t give me the chance to really be heard. All you hear is me attacking you, when all I want is for you to hear my concerns and understand what I’m saying.

All you do is bring up past problems to make points that are no longer valid. You make up excuses to hide the fact that you don’t want to admit the truth to yourself.

That is why honesty always hurts—because we don’t want to listen to what we already know. We hide the fact that the bad times are starting to outweigh the good, but we still don’t want to face the truth.

We turn to our friends who care and love us for listening, advice, and hopefully the truth we cannot see. Our friends are like a pair of glasses that open our eyes when our vision is clouded by love, lust, anger, and more.

We turn to those who know us the most to be there for us, even when what they tell us hurts the most.

Our friends think they matter in our lives, but we all know that we can be replaced because sometimes our feelings no longer match our friends’ feelings.

But deep down inside, we know we matter to the people who love us for who we are and who take our truth as a caring point of view instead of seeing us as a monster for telling it.

We come to terms with our choices in life because, at the end of the day, we all need to do what’s best for ourselves and our lives—not anyone else’s.

Friends come into our lives, and then some friends leave. We just hope that they are doing well and that one day they put those pair of glasses on and see that we were only trying to open their eyes, not blur their vision.

Putting on a smile is hard. It’s like putting a mask on your face to tell people who don’t really care that you’re okay.
Then, the one time it falls off, everyone asks, “Are you okay?” But deep inside, they don’t really care.

They can smile and ask if you’re alright, but at the end of the day, the people who see through the mask are the real people who care. They are the people who see you when you think you’re hiding.

Why do people ask if you’re okay and smile like they know what you’re going through? If you really knew me or cared, you wouldn’t just relate—you would be there because I need you.

If you were close to me, you shouldn’t have to ask what’s wrong. You should already know.
I put a smile on my face to tell myself I am okay and that I can make it through the day without it falling off and showing my true feelings.

Yet, we smile and are kind to people we say we care about but sometimes don’t. Then, that one second of not caring shows, and people think you’re the bad guy.

Even though the person you slept with always has their true face on and shows it only with you, when others come around, they hide behind their mask, and you become the bad guy.

In time, you see that people are smiling behind a mask, and no matter what you do, they may never understand the real you.

The only person who truly understands is you.

How can someone go from being happy and change into something sad? We give people our love and support, only for them to take it and never give any back. We show people that we care for them unconditionally, and they take us for granted.

Why do you do that to the people who were only there to love and support you? Why do you push away the things that make you happy? Why do you get mad at the people you once loved? Why do you do the things you do to keep yourself sad?

We coexist in the same place, but yet when you’re near, we are in different times and different places. We used to talk like we were friends. We used to make each other laugh without trying, and we used to exist on the same level.

Now that we don’t talk and try so hard to make conversation or even get a smile, I wonder if we will ever be at the same place, at the same time, as we once were. But that would mean we would have to let go.

One day, we will start again without pain or sadness. We will be two strangers walking by and connect as two happy people once more in the future. We will see that we have grown into people who are better than we once were.
One day, we will see each other smile and truly be happy.

When I was little, you were my hero—the one I looked up to the most. Now, you're the one person I hope to be better than. You loved me, but you showed it in a way I never understood.

You taught me that asking questions was good, but that going too far with asking questions was also good. But that was wrong. You never knew it, but whatever you taught me, I had to relearn the right way.

You were the one who needed to protect me when I was going to get hurt or when I needed you to feel better. You did, but in a way that put me down and blamed things on me. That was your way of protecting me in your mind.
Feeling safe, feeling loved, teaching me self-love, and showing me that I am worth it—that’s protecting me.
You told me you loved me, but the love you showed me was not love. Love is bringing the people in your life up, not tearing them down to the point where they are broken for life.

I think to myself today, and I still might be a little broken from the damage you caused. But at least I am picking up the broken pieces you left behind.
When I think of you, all I see are your pieces being pushed under a rug so no one can help you or change you for the better.

I am at a point in my life where I don’t think about you, nor do I care about you. Just because I am a piece of you doesn’t mean I let the pieces you broke in the past define me.

Right now, I miss you because I just want to be in your arms, to feel safe and let my problems slip away while I fall asleep in them and listen to your heartbeat. But I know that will never happen again, so I wish and only hope it will come true.

I lay awake at night and think of the days when we were so happy, but then I come back to reality, where you were so close, but so far. You would say you loved me and walk away, but I didn't realize you would never come back.

I can put on a smile for those who see me day to day, but when I am alone, I take the mask off and feel real only with myself. The people who see through it are the ones who truly care and pick me up when I need it. Those are the people who can put a real smile on my face.

My heart was full of love when we met, and I wore it on my sleeve when we were alone and together, not knowing that love was slowly being taken until it was all gone for that one person. As I lay here now, with my heart still on my sleeve, I am slowly gaining back all the love that you needed.

All I thought about was you—when we would be together again, when I could see your face, touch your skin, and feel our connection. Only I didn't realize that one day I would no longer have you in my thoughts as I once did. Now they are like a passing bird in the sky: there, but not for long before something better comes along.

Today, I have finally decided to say goodbye to all the things that made me happy and put a smile on my face because of you. Today, I start to pick up the pieces that were broken and left on the ground the day you walked away and gave up. Knowing that you were the one thing I could count on most, the one who would be there when I needed you the most. The one I trusted and cared for the most, but that wasn't enough.

So today, I started being the one I care for the most and trust the most: me, not you. Today, I started to feel like myself again, without you.

- by me an original

I would love feedback. I wrote this a long time ago and always wanted to know what others would think of it.

I [27F] don't really know where to start, but I feel like I need to know if anyone else has gone through something similar.
My husband [29M] and I have been together for 6 years and married for 1 year. Ever since we got married, it feels like we've been arguing more than we ever did while dating. Some days are genuinely wonderful. We laugh, enjoy each other's company, and I remember exactly why I married him. Other days I feel completely alone.
My husband is asexual, and I knew that before we got married. I accepted that because we still had some physical intimacy every few months, and I felt emotionally close to him. But it's now been over a year since we've had any kind of sexual intimacy.
I also came off birth control, and my sex drive increased a lot. I went from being okay with very little intimacy to really craving that connection. I know he can't change being asexual, and I'm not angry at him for that. What hurt me was hearing that he doesn't experience sexual attraction toward me. He explained that it was partly because he's asexual, but weight has also come up in arguments before. I used to weigh around 200 lbs and now I'm around 135 lbs, so it's left me wondering if that played a role too. Whether it did or not, hearing that from my husband broke my heart.
Another issue is communication. Whenever I tell him something he said hurt me, he usually gets defensive or completely shuts down. Eventually, I'm the one who apologizes just so we can move on, even if I was the one who was hurt. I've realized I can't remember the last time he apologized first.
Even little things make me feel like we're not a team anymore.
Today I asked him if he was happy. He said yes, but he never asked me if I was.
That moment really stuck with me because the truth is... I don't know if I'm happy anymore.
The confusing part is that I still love him. We still have good days, and on those days I feel like we're best friends again. That's what makes this so hard. I don't know if we're just going through a rough season, if I'm asking for too much, or if I've been ignoring problems for too long.
I don't want to give up on my marriage. I want to figure out if this is something we can work through and rebuild, or if these are signs that something deeper has changed between us.
Has anyone been in a marriage where you still loved your spouse but started questioning whether you were actually happy? If you worked through it, what helped? If you realized something needed to change, what made you realize it? How did you know the difference between a rough season and a relationship that needed more than time to heal?
I'm hoping to hear from people who've been in a similar place because I feel very alone right now.

TLDR: My husband and I have grown apart since getting married. He's asexual, and while I accepted that, our emotional and physical connection has changed a lot. I love him, but between the lack of intimacy, feeling unheard when I express my feelings, and questioning whether we're still connected, I'm wondering if anyone else has been through this and found a way to rebuild their relationship