u/KitKitKate2

Hello guys, i've graduated from high school and i'm finally on my way into College. The program that i will be going to college for is called the Librarian Technician course which will enable me to be able to work as a librarian. Excited for that!!

I won't miss that place (high school), it gave me deep mental health struggles as i'd been bullied by this one kid for until i had graduated. Finally, i don't have to worry about walking past him anymore, nor will i have to worry about him cyberbullying me online anymore. Because he and i won't go to the same college anymore, and if we are, i still won't see him as i'm going through an online only course.

But i'm just frustrated about how unfair it seemed to be, as i had worked hard to not get triggered by him and tried to work as hard in general for grades and stuff but yet he is the one who came away with an academic reward. And get this, it was for his trying hard. It doesn't and didn't make much sense for me because, well, it didn't seem like he was working hard, he was lurking around the school outside during lunch and once he gave me the stink eye when i was dropped off nearby him.

Anyway let's not talk about that, let's talk about how happy i am that i am finally finished with elementary and secondary school and that i am one step closer to full adulthood!

So very thankful that i have finally reached this stage as i lowkey didn't think i'd ever get to here without something very bad happening to me before. I don't have to do any homework, nor do i have to deal with transitions to and from classes, i just have to login to my college account, download any assignments and then virtually "hand it in" to the teacher via email or other technology way.

I feel as though weight has been lifted up from my back, since i don't again have to transition nor have to deal with students who were super loud anymore too. I am very excited for college to start yet apprehensive at the same time, but i am choosing to feel more happy!

I hate having autism. There I said it.

I don’t want to hear anything about how autism is a superpower or a different ability for some of you guys. I don’t care what you think about your own autism. What I care about is my own autism. I don’t view it as a superpower. It’s disability through and through, no matter the existence of there being some positives or not. It still disables me.

It’s the reason why I can’t drive, I can’t do anything without needing someone else to be there with me. I need supervision literally almost every second of every minute of every hour of my life it seems, and it never went away once. I had thought when I was a kid I was able to have some independence but it was taken away the second I became a teenager, for some goddamn reason.

And as an adult, it seems to be getting worse. My parents are becoming more stingier with the screen time that they’ll give me each day, and they are also more stingier with their time as well, it seems. I mean I understand that due to my support needs, it is understandable and for my own safety, but sometimes it just singles me out.

And don’t get me started with how other autistic people react once I tell them all of this! They always seem so shocked and confused when I tell them that I can’t do things can’t go places without my parents because of my autism. Once again it singles me out more than if I had shared this with other neurotypical people. No matter what I feel singled out, and I always have from childhood all the way to now when I made this post.

Ugh, it’s just so frustrating. I’m lonely and I don’t want to risk trying anything else because i have a fear that it’ll piss me off and I’ll have a meltdown!!! Sigh.

Thanks to all of the people who commented and gave me advice on how to solve my so called "support needs spiral" as i've come to call it. Especially that one person who explained to me what being in the 73rd percentile on the Supports Intensity Scale meant.

Anyway, i think i am overthinking it. I am even questioning the validity and the accuracy of the assessor and of the person who calculated my results, even though there is no evidence to prove that the results were faked. I even thought that i had somehow convinced my mom to lie to the person, convincing her somehow to overexaggerate my support needs, even though i wasn't with her or even at home while she was completing that part of the assessment.

I'm confused and frustrated with myself, because i have gotten the results that i quote unquote "wanted" in terms of what my support needs as an autistic person is, yet i'm pushing back against these very same results. Like, the past few years that i didn't exactly know my "real" support needs, i was constantly been thinking if i should go for an autism level evaluation just to see what they would think.

I have thought back to my earlier time with other results and, lo and behold, i do the same thing. I overthought so much i had a headache and i had to sleep it off when i got the results of my school's own support needs assessment. It only ever happened when i was in high school and was a teenager. It was frustrating because i don't want to think about my autism level, because i have fears that i would be overexaggerating my autism profile either intentionally or unintentionally without knowing that i was doing so. Especially since i am very impressionable, and even more so when i was at the peak of my support needs fixation.

I don't exactly know why i did that, but if i had to guess, i would think that my being bullied for how my autism presented in a locally developed math class was the cause.

The bullying made me feel alone and like i was the only person enduring or struggling with being bullied for how my autism presented, but i saw Tumblr and that higher support needs community on there and i was latched on finding an identity that would quote unquote "justify" being bullied by someone with a disability too.

And since i was an impressionable teenager at the time, i was really obsessed and fixated with finding out what my support needs level is. You know what they say about social contagion? I was one of the teenagers who was heavily affected by this social contagion, and so i was obsessed with my autism profile, more so with my support needs. I think this was also in a bid to find community as i was lonely, seeing that it was a struggle to initiate a conversation with others, much less find friends that i could talk to daily about whatever.

Needless to say, that makes no sense to me now, as someone who isn't getting bullied anymore and as someone whose brain has grown. Like i have matured and realized some hard truths about the world, so to use simpler language. Like people will bully others just because, and that's got nothing to do with me as it's never my fault for being bullied.

Anyway, i don't exactly feel better after writing and making this post. It just became a rant instead of an actual helpful follow up post, but now i do understand what i can do to help distract myself from this fixation. I doubt it'll go away forever, but it can become less of a struggle and less of a fixation for me and more of an interest that fades in and out every once a couple months or so.

More specifically on how severe my main disability (Autism) as in regards of support needs.

I am fixated on this topic right now. I don’t know why I can’t think of anything that I can tell my brain to calm the overthinking spiral down. Like I’ve known, everyone has confirmed it yet I’m still overthinking.

I have an irrational thought that the assessor meant to say that I was in the mild range of support needs and the first one was a typo. And that’s why I have sent her a reply email asking this very same question. But by the way it’s structured it’s pretty clear as fuck that it is what she meant to type anyway.

I am still on this. It has been years since I’ve been introduced to the topic of support needs and I’ve since latched on to this concept. I don’t understand why;

Is it an identity crisis? Is it because im seeking attention? I like to think its because of identity politics though.

Since the last post regarding the developmental services agency thing, I had been approved. And since then I went through a two part application process.

The first was about me as a person, so it asked about my interests, my hobbies and things that I consider myself to be good at for some examples. But it also was asking about medical and behavioural support needs as well, it just wasn’t that focused on this part of my experience with being on the spectrum.

Then the next part was on my support needs as someone with a developmental disability (ASD). Like they asked my mom about the support I needed, how much is needed and if I needed it daily, weekly or monthly or even rarely. My mom often scored me in the level where I’d need partial physical support in order to get things done, however, I did need some hands on support for some of the subscales. But the majority of the answers we’re partial physical support. That was really unexpected as I didn’t see that everyday yet I still don’t but I’ve gotten over it.

So now we are just looking for services and programs. Things like supported independent living supports will be worked on in the later future, especially when I’m going to live by myself in the basement of my parents house. That isn’t until two years though so that’s not a really big issue for me at this time, however I am looking for social programs to get busy and not be doomscrolling on my phone every day.

But that is really proving quite hard to do. My mom has sent out a couple of emails to people that facilitate these activities but no one has responded to her. I don’t know why there’s no response and it’s really frustrating me lately, I don’t think it’s because of the summer as there’s often programs during the summer running which means that the people are also working and replying to emails as well.

Summer is so miserable and boring for me as an autistic adult. I literally have nothing exciting or good to do beyond social media. I can feel myself falling into the social media addiction hole as summer goes by, and the last time i was bored, it wasn't pretty. So i have been trying to find some social programs and day programs (Unsure if they are the same thing) for adults with disabilities but so far, we've found two and there's been no responses to either emails that my mom sent to the designated contact person. I have sent her links to other programs but we're so busy because of parties and relatives staying over so she doesn't have any time at all to herself so she could apply. I have college in the fall, but that's not in person, it's online and i don't even know if it will be a live lecture or not. I'm just stuck at home because i can't drive, nor work, nor self regulate enough to be trusted to go places by myself.

I have seen multiple people on TikTok claim that they're level 3 autistic while managing a social media account in which they post consistently, and the stuff that they share makes me suspicious about their level 3 autism.

Because they can do so many things, especially things that people with level 3 autism can't do. Like for example, driving. A person who i have seen says that because they use GPS services when driving, that means they're high support needs meanwhile all level 3 autistics can't drive a car much less maintain a social media account while also posting consistently to it.

This is just one example, but do you guys have some others that i wasn't aware of yet?

There is this disturbing new trend where people, typically neurodivergents, are sharing that they want to kill off every single neurotypical, with seemingly no care taken for those neurodivergents who need and live off of neurotypical assistance that originated from TikTok.

I have looked at the hashtag, TNTD, and i have seen someone either ironically or unironically joined the trend by putting themselves as the background then writing the words, TNTD, for the caption. When i look at the comments, people are saying TNTD but like have a day instead of explaining. Other times, they just accuse the asker of being NT. However, these edits seem to be very small in size, and comes from one or two semi active accounts which is good to be honest.

I hope you get the gist. The main idea is to get rid of neurotypicals, simply because we have had one bad example and experience dealing with a bully or otherwise harmful neurotypical. Which some of these kids take to mean, all neurotypicals are bad, forgetting that some of us need neurotypicals to stay alive in the first place, especially the level 2 and 3 autistics that can't live independently.

Especially for the level 3 autistics who need 24/7 and substantial supervision every day, what would happen to them if the neurotypical that works to support them is gone, like killed off? What then? This is why that this trend is such a bad idea, and even if we don't think about the aftermath, this seems so similar to the Nazis and especially the fact that they wanted to eradicate people of certain races/nationality as well as those who are disabled. This is literally that reversed, the roles are literally reversed when we think about how this idea is going to work.

Like i can understand the pain of being bullied by NTs but that doesn't mean all NTs are bad, because it would be bad for us all if the roles are reversed which they actually were during WW2 and otherwise.

So, this week i had my meeting with the developmental services agency that provides, fundings, support and services to adults in my province and who also have developmental disabilities. It was actually faster than anticipated which is a welcome surprise but a surprise at the end of the day.

The meeting, this time around, focused on me as a person for one hour, while the other two or so hours were given to my parents so they could answer the questions regarding my support needs, how much support i need, and how frequently do i need those support. That part i couldn't be involved in as i had school that time and didn't miss going to school, even though i had really wanted to so i could know and hear the answers so that the results don't come off as a surprise to me.

The first part was really focused on getting to know me, so they wanted to know my goals, and dislikes and so on, not much about the support needs that i have but the second half after a while, involved asking my parents what activities i need support with, what kind of support, how long is it needed and how much is it needed in a whole week. This part, i wasn't there for so i had no idea how it went and can't predict the results since i wasn't there. It was during school, and i was saddened to have to go to school even though i still couldn't be sitting in the meeting with my parents anyway.

Even though i was accepted to this agency, the fact that i had to do another assessment, this time being very much focused on my needs and not on my deficits, made me anxious again. I have been thinking about this ever since like Monday of last week. I'm so worried that my support needs aren't what they really are, but more especially that i won't get the support and services that everyone around me agrees that i need. Even if i do get the results that everyone thinks i am, i may still think i'm faking it for some reason.

And that anxiety has made me become impatient. The person who asssessed it says it would take a couple of weeks to analyze and to send the results in report form back to us, but didn't tell us a clear time frame, which is making me anxious about my support needs results. However the person did say that i was right in the middle of the spectrum, when it comes to support needs actually, just before she hung up. That calmed me down a little considering that she is an assessor and someone trained to analyze the report, especially the responses given by parents, because i have been confused on where i stand on the support needs spectrum for such a long time and i am really convinced that i am medium.

My parents said that it could mean from 2 to 4 weeks, including this one, but i am still impatient. I really want to know what the results are, especially in regards to my support needs. Because i have this weird anxiety that i am faking my level of support needs, and getting the results back especially telling me what support needs i am will definitely help to lower the anxiety i feel about myself as an autistic adult sometimes.

Edit: Apologies for this clusterfuck of a post.

Like, i have heard of many autistic people stating that they have ADHD, but i have not heard of and from other autistic people who have ADHD but also have other disorders, comorbid or not.

Which makes me wonder if they exist. I do know they exist but they just don't share their experiences often, especially online. I can't speak for offline because i have not met people with autism plus one comorbidity but also have other conditions that play a role, regardless of those conditions' severities.

I am just curious. I have ADHD but i also have two other disabilities, one in writing and the other in mathematics. Two learning disabilities i mean.

I know that everyone is focused on how to spot a general disability faker, but what i haven't seen anyone focus on is how one can spot an autism faker?

I know that some autism fakers are hella obvious, especially if they say that they are level 3 yet can make TikTok and Instagram content, via either using their voice or by making a slide show for either platform. For people with level 2 and 1 autism, i find that it is less blatant, since they can use the internet without so much struggles like those with level 3 autism do.

The same goes for people with voice output devices, and or people with an iPad using an AAC software despite not really needing it. What are the signs that someone is faking needing and even using AAC software, with relation to them faking being autistic too?

However, here are some pretty blatant signs that i myself have noticed however. The most obvious one is when they say they have self diagnosed autism. Another sign is that they suddenly declare their autism diagnosis seemingly out of nowhere, which i know is not really an autism sign in and out of itself because people can decide when and how to announce their disability. However a more concrete sign and example is when someone claims to have to use an AAC app or device due to being nonverbal even though i could check their account and see old photos of them using their mouth to speak.

But are there some signs that i missed? What, for you guys, are the signs that someone is faking either of the things or both of the things that i talked about?

So today something really cool happened regarding disability services in my province.

I had originally thought that the meetings, as they say, often take weeks upon weeks upon weeks to even be scheduled. But apparently, we had it on week 15 instead of on week 26.

My mom had answered most of the questions, adding new things and adding further detail than i had last night, and completed the support intensity scale assessment all in the same meeting instead of having both parts seperated into two seperate, three hour each, meetings.

So now all we have to do is wait for the assessor summary report, and then go from there. We have plans of enrolling me into life skills and social skills programs, and that can happen after the assessor summary report is finished and sent to us.

I hope that the report can come soon, i am very impatient and anxious about the last part of that meeting, the part of which i was not involved in at all actually to see if my perspective around my support needs (Solidly medium) is correct or not.

However, recently, like just today (May 22): So this morning, my mom told me that the assessor, from yesterday's meeting, has predicted that i am somewhere in the middle of support needs, meaning that i have medium support needs. But we won't know for sure until we receive the email with the report saying so, regarding the percentile that my support needs are in, i think. We do not state support needs or autism levels here in Canada but that doesn't stop people from assuming, since it is possible to get a level diagnosis but it just isn't mandatory for services like they are in the United States for example.

We will receive the report somewhere in 4 weeks, if not in 2 weeks, but obviously through digital means though. I will make an update post regarding what my report says, or not, it depends on how i am feeling the day i receive it though.

I’m frustrated with my therapist for saying autism is not a disability, especially for those with lower support needs. Autism is a disability that affects individuals regardless of their support needs, and her opinion makes me feel invalidated.

It seems like she’s been influenced by misinformation from TikTok, which often spreads false narratives. I wish people would stop promoting the idea that autism is a superpower and acknowledge it as a genuine disability that can be severely impairing in some cases.

Edit: I'm not going to therapy anymore because i've aged out of that service. The therapist that i had with me was okay, and she was pretty helpful so even if i really wanted to, my mom at the time wouldn't allow me or i'd have to stay with her because of how things are with insurance in my province.