Am I a selfish toxic asshole? If yes, if I go to therapy what should I seek? Is it self-regulation?
I think I might be the toxic friend, and I do not know how to fix myself.
I live in a sharehouse with several friends, and last year something happened that changed the way I see myself and my relationships.
It started with a misunderstanding involving one of my housemates, whom I will call Nancy. I slammed the door because I thought she had made me late for an important work event. I was anxious, overwhelmed, and under pressure, but after I calmed down, I realized that my reaction was unfair to her. I wrote her an apology. I explained why I had reacted that way, but I also admitted that it was wrong and that I may have triggered her nervous system.
At the time, I thought I was taking responsibility. Later, I found out that the group had discussed my apology behind my back. They said it was selfish because I explained why I was upset. They also talked about how I was self-centered and never thought about other people.
That confused me, because I genuinely thought I had apologized properly.
Around the same time, I also had a conflict with Karen, my best friend of 15 years. Karen had been saying some bigoted things about LGBT+ people after a bisexual boy broke her heart. I am queer, so it hurt me deeply. I lashed out at her. She said it was not personal and that she was not talking about me, but I could not ignore the hypocrisy. In public, she presented herself as progressive and open-minded, but behind closed doors, she could be bigoted and sometimes classist.
The bigger problem is that the people I live with are very non-confrontational and people-pleasing, while I am a direct communicator. I have always told them that if they have a problem with me, I would rather they tell me directly. But instead, I kept finding out that people were talking about me behind my back.
It made me overthink everything. I could not sleep. I cried almost every day. Eventually, I told myself that maybe everyone in the house was dealing with difficult things, and maybe I was the one who needed to adjust. I mean I am struggling too but their problems seems harder and bigger than mine.
So I apologized to Nancy again, this time without explaining the whys—basically just told her I was a piece of shit and all. I also reached out to Karen to clear the air. Karen apologized too and admitted that she is avoidant and does not talk things out. But she also told me that I was selfish, that she did not like me as a person anymore, and that she did not want to listen to my reasoning. She said she had a lot on her plate, and if I was going to become another burden, she would drop me.
Basically, she wanted to downgrade our 15-year friendship into something casual. It made me resentful because after all I have done for her. She seems to enjoy the emotional labor and the things I provided for her when she was struggling but now that she is settled—it was easy for her to say that to me.
I agreed, because I did not know what else to do.
After that, things slowly seemed to go back to normal. The girls started asking me for help again. When they forgot their key and came home at 1 AM, I opened the gate for them. They started borrowing my kitchen things again, which I was happy about. A lot of my stuff is in the kitchen specifically because I do not mind people using it. Actually I don't even know why I am here, probably cause we all have history together and they were there for me during my harships. I am forever indebt to their kindness. There's no benefit I gain from this relationship after I found out they were talking about me behind my back. I don't feel safe confiding in them and I never ask for help. But they always ask for my help and borrow my things.
I also have a close relationship with the housekeeper. I think of her almost like a mother. She does a lot for the house, and I usually give her extra money to help chop my fruits because I know she has financial problems. Other girls do similar things too. But lately, I have been struggling financially. The economy is bad, and I am barely surviving. Since I stopped being able to give her money as often, I noticed she became more hostile toward me.
Yesterday, she texted me saying the landlord was upset because I had supposedly left dirty dishes in the sink. It was not me, but because I use the kitchen often, she assumed it was. She also told me to pack all my kitchen things because the landlord was upset that the kitchen was too crowded.
I immediately ordered storage boxes, but they needed time to arrive. I could not just move everything into my room because I do not have enough space. I was waiting for the boxes.
Then something odd happened. The housekeeper left for an event and gave me her phone in case the landlord called. While holding the phone, I saw that there were no messages or call history from the landlord about my dishes or my things in the kitchen. Nothing. So it seemed like the housekeeper had lied. She always use my non-sticky pan and my blender basically everything I own. It wouldn't be logical to put those things in my room because everyone use my tools.
The next day, the girls kept pushing me to move my things into my room. I explained in the group chat that my storage boxes had not arrived yet, and I also said that the housekeeper had lied about the landlord demanding the kitchen be emptied.
That is when Karen got really angry.
She said I always treat minor inconveniences like major problems. But to me, this was not just a minor inconvenience. The housekeeper lied about me, and I was being pressured to reorganize my belongings while I was already overwhelmed with work and had no space in my room.
The conversation became heated. Karen said I always choose to see the worst in people, that I am self-centered, and that I never think of anyone else. The word “always” really threw me off.
Then she brought up the past. She said I had lashed out before and made everyone uncomfortable. She said I never apologized to Nadine and Wanda.
I was shocked, because I did not even know Nadine and Wanda had a problem with me. If they were hurt by something I did, I wish they had told me. How can I apologize for something I do not know happened? I apologized to Nancy. I apologized to Karen. But I cannot fix conflicts that people never communicate to me.
Karen kept saying that I always make myself the victim, that I only see things from my point of view, and that I refuse to see other people’s perspectives.
I disagree with some of that. But at the same time, this pattern has happened enough in my relationships that I am starting to wonder if I really am the problem. Maybe I am rude. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I am toxic. Maybe I am just not fit for close relationships.
I know the landlord is horrible, especially to the housekeeper, and I have tried my best to care for the housekeeper. That is why it hurt so much to feel like she was being sneaky with me. I trusted her. I cared about her.
In the end, I left the group chat.
Now I feel like I have ruined things again. This is the second time conflict has escalated, and I doubt they will forgive me this time. But more than that, I am scared that they are right about me.
I know I can be reactive. I know I can be harsh when I feel misunderstood or attacked. I know I can come across as rude even when I am trying to be clear. And since people have now told me multiple times that I am selfish, I want to take that seriously.
What can I do to become better?
I am thinking of seeing a therapist because this has been affecting me badly, and I do not want to keep hurting people or losing relationships like this. Or should I just move out?