u/Klutzy-Science-2477

Today, I had a mental breakdown. The heat, my cluttered apartment, my dissatisfaction with myself caused it. I am starting a no-buy year. Wish me luck.

I ended the friendship, but I am curious if you've ever come across something similar. I was friends with a woman for 6 years. At the beginning of our friendship, the crazy friend was another girl, whom she was always having to put up with, driving to her place in the night bc. she needed her help. They eventually ended the friendship because my friend could not take her drama anymore. Another friend became her crazy friend, but this one was the pity friend. She'd always talk about how she has autism and that is why she acts this way, so she totally gets it. This girl eventually left the friend group and moved to another country. I became the crazy friend. I do have some depressive and anxious tendencies, which got worse during a shitty relationship, but for one year, everything I did was met with a "you should see a doctor, I'd take pills if I were you. " Every negative emotion I displayed was caused by my mental health. I was so on edge around her, I had actually started acting strange in a Stepford kind of way, to not seem off. She even complained to her bf about me and HE yelled at me in public for being a drag on her. I confronted her and found out she was "really worried I might off myself". Safe to say, we are not friends anymore, but I've been thinking about it a lot and I am seeing a pattern here.

I am freaked out by some of my dreams. It is a very specific kind of dream. I am able to tell while I am dreaming. Last night, I dreamt that I was on a bus in my city traveling a long unknown route in the woods. Today, I hopped on the bus to go to the gym as usual and I somehow missed my stop and when I looked up from my phone I was heading to some random village in the hills. I was 3 bus stations away from where I was supposed to get off and I am used to the ride. I have missed a few bus stops over the years, but it has never happened to me this badly. I eventually went to the last station and came back. I only now realized that it was my dream from last night. Before my dad got diagnosed with cancer, like 6 months before, I dreamt that his mom was calling for him. I tried to ignore the dream. He died 40 days ago after 2 years since his diagosis. I don't know why this is happening, but I am not enjoying it. I would like for it to stop or at least a way to somehow put it to my use and use it for good as well, not just live in fear that I might predict when something bad happens. I feel like I have a strong spiritual side, but I have never been able to grow it and it very obviously also freaks me out to some extent.