u/Klutzy-Sky5995

As you walked by,
your lips formed a half smile
A smile that unlocked memories I’ve reminisced like old snapshots.

We each formed a silent ‘hello’
and something about that silent hello
gave me a silent high

Cause why?
Why did you say hi?

It could’ve meant nothing
But you killed the core
of my writers block

I’m here again
staring at these
older messages from you

wondering to myself
if your silent hello
echoes a loud goodbye

I was around 19 at this time dating my now ex. We celebrated Valentines Day by going to Chilis and this was the first time he drove me somewhere. We had a really nice time there, but afterwards something felt really off. He drove us to this empty parking lot and I thought it was just to talk. I bought us a date night card game to play so I mentioned that we should play it. But instead he wanted me to get in the backseat. I thought it was just for more room or whatever but he started kissing me. Something felt seriously wrong in that moment. He wanted me to take off my pants in his backseat. I said no and he got upset and said I mentioned something about wanting to ‘do it’ in a car before. I don’t recall saying anything like that, and if I did, I was most likely joking because I feel weird about ANY intimacy that’s not in the bedroom. But anyways, I told him no again and he said “but I wanna be intimate with you.” I tried changing the conversation and asking if he can take me to get coffee, and he says “I can take you to get coffee if you do it.” (“it” implying taking off my pants). I don’t want to say it’s SA if he didn’t technically do anything physically. But whenever I think about it, it makes me really upset because I was SA’d in the past by someone else and he knew this.

Edit: I don’t think I clarified this but I did NOT give into anything he wanted me to do. I did NOT take off my pants. After saying no a couple more times he finally gave up and he drove us back to my house and we went on with our day together. I was still feeling icky about everything but I didn’t say anything until after we broke up 2 weeks later. I’m so sorry for not making the resolution clear.

I’m using Richard as a fake name for this story.

I was 17 when I met my best friend Richard who was 16, just a year younger than me. It started off with our annual band trip to the amusement park for this big contest. Me and Richard were in the same group, which meant we went on rides together and had lunch together. Those were the best couple hours ever for the both of us. We really clicked during the bus ride home. We both had each other’s numbers from the group chat of us and the other band kids, so we texted outside of school as well. For context, I’m not really good at making strong connections with people. But with Richard, it was instant. Richard wasn’t just the average guy, he has more of a flamboyant personality. He basically gets along with girls, guys, anyone you could think of he can strike up a conversation with. He’s wonderful. He was in all of the clubs and extracurriculars at school too; band, jazz band, marching band, student council, newspaper, theater (which he continued to pursue in college), etc. A lot of things make Richard the way he is, which is why he’s so popular.

Our friendship took off after the band trip. We texted a lot, frequent Discord calls, long conversations after school, he made sure someone laughed at my stupid jokes (and that someone was him). Another slice of context, I catch feelings really easily. I usually find myself crushing on most of my guy friends; but Richie (even though he’s very good looking and popular), I couldn’t see him anymore than a platonic friend, that was the beauty of our friendship. We were intimate in sweet, non-sexual ways (i.e. long hugs, long handshakes as a ‘bit,’ sometimes hand holding for safety, etc.) He was the sweetest experience I’ve ever had, I loved him. There were times where we actually started to kiss each other on the hands and only on the hands. This is important for later. But it was just innocent pecks on the hands.

Promposals and things were happening and it was time to think about who I’d go with. I was supposed to go with someone who was out of state, but they had told me they couldn’t go with me anymore. So I had the idea of asking Richard and of course he said yes. I was excited to be matching outfits and going to prom with my best friend.

Fast forward to prom night, he looked great in his suit with a bright purple tie. I wore a dress of the same color, my hair was done up, my makeup looked nice. This was the best I’ve ever looked. But anyway, we went on with our nights, danced a while, had something to eat, and took lots of pictures. Typical prom night, right? Well not exactly. We were sitting down and I had perked up my lips a little as a joke/bit to see if Richard would kiss me, and to my surprise he actually did kiss me, but it was just a small peck. It was sweet and innocent. It actually made the night so much better. My memory’s blurry of what happened after that and before the last song. The last song was Sign Of The Times by Harry Styles. Weird song to slow dance to, but I was slow dancing with Richard, so it felt perfect.

Everything was perfect in that moment; the lights, the air, the atmosphere, everything was exactly how I wanted it at the right time and place. He told me he loved me, I told him I loved him too. His mom got pictures of us and he gave them to me on my graduation night. I remember after the slow dance he thanked me for taking him to prom and kissed me on the cheek. It was the sweetest form of love I could’ve asked for.

After prom night, I was thinking about my birthday which was in a couple weeks during that time. I thought of inviting a small group of friends including Richard. I couldn’t stop thinking about prom (and I still can’t to this day), I also couldn’t stop thinking about the brief kiss we shared. I wondered if there was a way to “get more” if that makes sense. I went out of my way to plan this party to where Richard can make it. It was hard, but the party happened on a random Tuesday. Everyone I invited somehow made it. We had a blast; I opened gifts, we went bowling, and had a bonfire. I had this idea that changed everything for me. I let my other friends converse at the table on the patio, but I told Richard I had to talk to him about something. The best private spot I could think of was behind my garage; it was private enough.

I firstly asked him when I was going to see him again because he lived far and he was more of an independent person. I had thanked him for coming to the party and we hugged for a little. We kissed the same way we did at prom, then I asked if I could kiss him for real. He let me kiss him and it was the strangest but the best feeling I’ve ever had. He trusted me enough to let me kiss him. I felt so much in that moment it was hard to keep composure. But I rolled with it and kissed him two more times, each time with more passion. It’s crazy how I can describe this moment vividly after three years. I was 18 at the time, and now I’m 21.

Also to mention, Richard got me into The Beatles after that day. He signed my yearbook and the note said It’s All Too Much by The Beatles reminded me of him, it has been my favorite song since. The reason why I’m calling him Richard in this story is because he loves The Beatles and his favorite is Ringo Starr (or Richard Starkey), so I feel it’s appropriate to call him Richard here.

The worst part was that everything was perfect, but only in that moment. Everything kind of fell apart after the birthday party. Richard and I only hung out one more time after the party. I noticed a distance between us after that hangout. The kissing was temporary, an experiment between us he didn’t want to continue, which I understood. This was unfortunately the time I realized that I had very strong feelings for him, even past the platonic level. I didn’t expect to fall for him, it just came at me so quickly. I wrote poems about him, THE kiss, the intimate moments we shared, etc.

Then he started to act different. Even during our last hangout at the time he couldn’t stop talking about this girl he had a sleepover with after my birthday party. I remember I had asked him on a call once if he wanted to go to the fair one day as a date. He then said he wasn’t looking to date anyone while he was still in high school, which I understood. It would’ve been slightly weird since I graduated and he didn’t. But I later found out in November that he started dating someone at some point when school started back up, and that girl was the girl he had frequent sleepovers with. I was hurting really badly. I really thought he was my person, but I was young learning a lesson instead. I could’ve reacted really poorly too. I could’ve gotten angry or upset at him, but I didn’t have it in me to do that.

It’s been three years since that time, me and Richard don’t talk anymore. Sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. I’m friends with his mom on Facebook, and I see the photos from the college plays Richard stars in. He’s still just as talented and flamboyant as he was from when I knew him. I know we’re not close anymore, but there was a time where we shared a beautiful connection. Maybe I wasn’t the one either, but I really hope him and the girl he’s with are happy. They really do deserve happiness, and so do I.

I, on the other hand, am not as lucky. I’ve had two relationships since my moment with Richard. One was super abusive, and the other one just didn’t feel right and was bound to end. I felt like I deserved this honesty. I know it’s not good to say about myself. But I ruined friendships between me and many people because of how I catch feelings for people, including Richard. I messed things up bad between us, but it shaped me into being better to myself and accepting being alone.

I’ve learned since all of this that I don’t need anybody to make me feel good to love myself. I only need myself at the end of the day. But the friendship I had with Richard is a friendship I seek. Aside from everything that happened after prom night, I want to be loved in all aspects; platonic, romantic, intimate, spiritual, emotional, physical, etc. I sometimes look at the back of my garage and think back to where it all happened. His presence sitting right in front of me (speaking words of wisdom, let it be). He had such a sweet voice and sometimes I wish I could talk to him again, but I understand it’s for the best that I don’t.

UPDATE:
I should probably update and say that I appreciate the people telling me to reach out. But the idea just gives me anxiety even if I wanted to reach out, and I wonder sometimes if he would ever do that. But it doesn’t look like it right now. Another thing, Richard and his girlfriend are still together. They don’t post each other a lot like other couples on social media do, but they still post each other occasionally and both seem very happy. Sure things happen behind closed doors, but they both seem very mature as people unlike other couples I’ve seen. I’m simply respecting their relationship by not interacting. I would only know if they’re not together if their posts of each other were deleted.