u/Krissy_LK27p

I have problems with my sister and it's honestly not too serious but it takes my peace away so much. I don't really know how to start this. She's like... Sensitive to criticism, gets triggered and pissed upon being corrected or called out, immediately accuses people of being "controlling" when they just teach her or explain her things and how to do things right, and she's uncomfortably similar to our narcissistic and rather abusive (at least in my eyes) mom.

Every time I correct her on something or tell her how to do things better and more properly, she just gets triggered, defensive, and... yeah, as previously said, accuses me of being controlling. Such as her using her hands (that is definitely covered in her saliva considering how it went in her mouth) to touch and prod on our shared food. I told her it's not proper and how she's eating messily, and she immediately got mad, her tone changing into a more defensive, firmer one. She went on about how "is eating with your hands wrong?" which... No, it isn't, but you're using it on shared food. I'm gonna eat it, and I don't want your saliva and dirty hands on it. Then "I didn't even touch your food" yes you did... I do not know why she thinks she didn't.

She always thinks she's right, and no matter how much I try to say no, she isn't, she just gets more and more angry (while denying that she is in fact angry) and eventually cuts me off with every sentence and justification I make and says "that's enough dude I get it I get it omg" like no you do not get or understand anything. She's stubborn as hell and I know for a fact that won't change.

As for the narcissistic mom thing, yeah she's extremely similar to her that it's uncomfortable and extremely weird to me. I can't even tell her or convince her that being narcissistic or similar to our mom is bad because she's proud of it. And yet she says she doesn't want to be the same as her... Contradicting as hell. She doesn't have any empathy, and thinks she's the victim in every situation. There is absolutely no helping her or convincing her. Then she constantly asks for validation from me, saying " right?" In every opinion she makes. If I don't respond she'll repeat it in a louder voice.

Honestly I want to gray rock her or cut her off but I cannot do that due to how old I am. And I can't even ignore her or anything. Otherwise she'd kick me out of "her room" which is our shared room btw. She thinks it's officially hers just because I sleep on the couch from time to time. And she'd say I'm mad if I'm just quiet, trying to get a reaction out of me all the time. Plus she'd be basically gossiping about me to almost everyone we're mutual with. Every time I tell her about my life, gossip. My feelings, gossip. My personal things and things about my body? Gossip. Relationships? Gossip. It's all gossip gossip gossip in her. Everything I tell her will be told to someone else guaranteed.

I do not know what I'm supposed to do and I do not want to just keep masking my frustration with her and playing along with her stupid behavior. Her behavior makes me exhausted and makes me want to harm myself out of anger just so I can feel a sense of peace. Dealing with her along with my mom is hell incarnate to me.

As a kid, I've always liked drawing. It was a hobby mainly motivated by my older sister, who also drew. At first, I didn't think much of it, simply accepting every drawing I made no matter how bad it looked to others. I had such a passion for drawing, not caring about other things. But as I grew older, I started to think drawing as less of a passion or something to enjoy and more of a competition of some sorts. It started when I was exposed to media during COVID and saw others drawing and their illustrations. I took it as inspiration at first, but when I tried to imitate it or learn how to draw, I always thought "it isn't enough".

This caused me to constantly push myself to do better, and eventually I was content with how I drew, but the same habit appeared again. I found someone drawing better than me, took it as inspiration, and pushed myself to reach the same level quickly. This continued on and on and I childishly cried about it whenever my drawings couldn't reach the level I aim to be. I decided I should learn, but I only got confused with it and thought "I can learn within a day", when in truth, I couldn't. I should take my time with it, I should keep practicing and messing up and taking note of my mistakes to improve. I knew what to do. I knew what I had to do to be better, yet I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I then tried digital art. It was a fail, considering how it took me 10 or 100 times longer just to complete a piece that wasn't good enough. Plus, my colors were off and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to color things. I didn't know where the light came from, where the muscles overlapped and how fabric worked. I didn't know anything. Study values? No motivation. Study anatomy? Constant confusion and crying when it goes wrong. Just study. That's what I knew I had to do. And yet what? I didn't. It's not like I had any motivators to do so. My only motivation was jealousy, spite, and "to be the best". It was unhealthy, and I was fully aware of that.

Now that was only one part of it. Other hobbies and interests of mine also showed this same behavior from me. Honestly, I always think that I have to be good at something or be the best at something. At anything that I do. I make it my whole personality, and without it, I just constantly think about what I could be next just to have something to show and not be "boring" to others. And yet it's never enough. It never is. Of course, someone will surpass me eventually.

Osu? It's not like I can get any better at it. I mean I have a decent rank, but I'm not really getting anywhere. Dancing? Doesn't seem like I can dance that well anyway. What about singing? It's just average. Nothing too good. Fashion? I can't sew and I'm not that creative. Cooking? I only know how to fry stuff and bake simple recipes through a microwave. Writing? Nothing much with that. Photography? It's not that good.

Everything I do always ends up being average. It's never enough for me. I don't want to quit drawing or any of the hobbies I do, but I sometimes feel like doing so. I know that my worth isn't centered around how good I am at these hobbies. I am fully aware that I don't have to be the best and I just have to live, and yet I wonder why despite the fact I know about this, I just can't stop such a thing from happening. I know it isn't that serious—it's just some hobbies after all. I should just enjoy life and not think about such things. After all, you only live once and you should make the most out of it. It isn't that serious. It really isn't.

My takeaway from this is that I should focus on restricting the media that I consume due to the fact that it's my main motivation for such a habit. Along with focusing on simply doing things whenever I want to. But I'm not really sure what I should do.