u/La_douler_exquise_

TDLR: I'm on the fence about applying for relocation & primary physical custody of my kids. I have put this off for a number of years but it is becoming increasingly difficult to stay employed here & I think the town I'd move to is better for the kids.

Their dad is a good dad. If I'm allowed to relocate, one of us will lose time with the kids & the kids will no longer have both parents in the same area. It will be costly & timely for both of us... likely destroying the fragile co-parenting we have. Dragging everyone through family court is never great, but especially if after 2-3years & a lot of money in legal fees, the outcome is no different to the status quo & I'm not allowed to relocate.

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐‐

Long story;

I (38F) and my ex-husband (40M) "Cooper" have two children together Bradley (11) and Vanessa (9). We have been separated for around 3years, and he has a new partner of about a year, Brooke (40F).

Cooper & I were together for around 15years & met at work. A few years into our relationship we moved across the country to the small rural town he grew up, let's call it "Dumpsville". We moved as his father was starting to show signs of illness from age, and my family also lived on this side of the country. We chose not to move to the town I was from, "Sunnyville" because I had a strained relationship with my father (now deceased).

Over the years we talked about moving to Sunnyville when our kids were in high school to give them better access to schooling & opportunities, and to allow me to return to work. When we finally had our kids, both were enrolled in private high schools in Sunnyville. We sent real estate properties to each other & talked about what suburb we wanted to live in. About what would be close enough to be accessible by public transport so I could work in the city.

In the final years of our marriage when I started trying to make more concrete plans, he began resisting the move. The problem with this is that my job is very specialised & cannot be done from Dumpsville. Over the course of our marriage I took around 8years off full time work because he didn't want me having to travel away from our kids for work.

When we split, we all stayed in Dumpsville. I have no support here. He has his parent who helps everyday he has them.

We have 50/50 custody & I travel for work when I don't have the kids. I earn significantly more but we have currently agreed to no child support. He could earn just as much if not more if he went back into the same field, but he has chosen not to as working away is difficult. Unfortunately because of living in Dumpsville & needing to fit 50/50 custody, I'm very limited on the contracts I can get. I have to work as a casual contractor - there are no full time permanent roles available from here.

As a casual contractor I sometimes have to change which week is my work week \[think 1 week work, 1 week kids\]. Coooper was very flexible about changing our parenting roster to suit until last time.

I totally accept that the changing roster is difficult for him. I got absolutely slammed on reddit last time telling me that it is unfair to expect him to constantly change his life for my work roster. Let me say - its difficult for me too, and not my choice. if I want to stay in Dumpsville, stay in my career & have 50/50 custody, that's my option.

(Where he has holidays etc prebooked, I would make sure he still got those even though he would refuse any changes that allowed me to recoup those days with the kids)

Once Cooper started seeing Brooke, he started refusing roster changes as it affected his ability to see her without either set of kids. He stated that he won't agree to something that stops him having childfree time with his partner.

Eventually it got to the point where I said my current contract requires this change, if you can't accomodate that I will be unemployed. Given how difficult it is to find contracts for 50/50 from here, I may be out of work for a significant period of time & will likely require child support while I look for a job or retrain. Coming from the same industry, Cooper is aware of how difficult these contracts are to find, so Brooke changed her custody agreement and we went ahead with the roster change.

He has now changed his position & has said roster changes are no longer an issue as he agreed to that one. And he just needs to know a set roster so he can makes plans (eg set for 6mo). Unfortunately as a casual contractor I could lose my job / need to change roster tomorrow.

For understanding some of the following:

\- I am diagnosed ADHD & self-diagnosed ASD (suggested by many of my/Brads therapists 🤣)

\- Brad is ASD Lvl 2 but "high functioning".

\- Vanessa had early intervention & all therapists said to have her assessed for ASD/ADHD. When we did the diagnosis process she did not get any diagnosis. As the school did not complete all the paperwork, the assessor could not show she was affected at school. We were told to bring her back for review when she is in high school & could better articulate her struggles herself.

The kids are now getting closer to high school and I have decided to apply for relocation. I have put this off since we separated as it will be timely, costly, exhausting & will damage the fragile co-parenting relationship we have.

If I move to Sunnyville, I will:

\-be able to work in the city

\-not require travel away

\-have a flexible roster of office/WFH

\-be able to work M-F

\-still have financial stability

\-have family support

If the kids move with me, they will have access to:

\-better schools (schools here are all below state/national average)

\-better medical facilities

\-broader range of therapy options (Brad is ASD)

\-Warmer weather for Brads asthma

\-broader range of extracurricular activities

\-broader range of cultural diversity & experiences

\-time with my family who have made major efforts to be involved so far

\-specialised opportunities for their current "hobbies"

\-opportunity to attend uni while living at home

\-broader range of job opportunities

Cooper has an easily transferable trade & could easily find a job in Sunnyville, but he doesn't want to move. He believes that the rural/country nature of Dumpsville is the best thing for our kids, and while I don't agree I understand why he thinks that.

If the kids stay

\-Dumpsville has beautiful national park & rivers

\-beach is 15min away

\-stay in the town/home/friends that they know

\-low socio economic region im decline

\-declining businesses, economy, job opportunities

\-below state/national education

\-few activities available for teens before they can drive

\-Cooper doesn't support more than 1 after school & is reluctant to organise/host social interactions for the kids

I'm concerned if Cooper gets primary physical custody that he won't be consistent with:

\-their therapy appointments/medical care

\-after school activities

\-visitation with me

I am concerned because he has:

\-failed to do most things agreed upon in our parenting plan

\-illegally used financial control during separation to force my agreement to our financial settlement

\-refused to.follow through on part of our court ordered financial settlement as it was "just a note, not required"

I do not believe he did these things to be petty or vengeful - I think he truly believes what he has done is legal & correct. Which is why I worry if he thinks he is correct in doing something that contradicts a visitation prder, I will miss out on seeing my kids.

I have asked Cooper what compromises we could make so that I could stay & work from Dumpsville until the kids finish high school but he is yet to suggest anything.

I don't want to do this. I don't know that I have the mental, emotional or financial resources to get to court. And I don't know how I'll cope if I am allowed to relocate but my children aren't. But I really feel like it's getting to the point where I'm going to be unemployed with no options if I don't start this process.

I could look at a permenant full time role but I would be away for 9 days every 2 weeks & honestly I don't want to work more, for less money, pay child support & see my kids less. And when I do have them be so exhausted I can't be a good mum. Even 7 days on 7 days off doesn't give me/the kids time to settle in. With appointments, reinhabiting the house, then packing the house back up it feels like a cyclone. 5 days would be terrible. \[It would be different with short visits from them to either town, as the parent would already be in that house. No need to get the house set-up then packed-up again in that time\].

I just need a space to let out all my feelings. The people around me can't hear it anymore.

My ex-husband & I split up 2.5years ago. Things have been difficult & I feel like I've been hit with one bad thing after another since then.

I dated a little but didn't find any particular interest. Then about a year ago I found a man that I thought added nothing but joy & love to my life. We joined families. We talked about marriage in the near future. We talked about our future & our lives together.

Then over time he became more controlling & our fights got more explosive. (For example I would get "in trouble" if I didn't aswer messages forn3-4hrs because I was busy at work).

And when we fought he would say the most vile things to me. (Just an example - not the worst by far, - he messaged my mother & told her I was a whore sleeping around).

Then he would come back saying how much he loved me, how I was throwing everything away becaise I'd decided he wasn't worth it, I had no real reason to be upset etc etc. That I needed help, that I was unable to accountability for my actions etc.

Eventually when I was away travelling for work in early March, with a bit of space from him I was able to call it off & stay strong enough to stay split.

Sometime in March/April he met his new girlfriend. A beautiful woman with 3 kids who lost her husband after a 5+yr battle with cancer.

I think about him every day. And miss him every day. I know that the relationship was toxic. I've done enough therapy to realise how bad he got. But I don't know how to stop longing for him next to me at night. Even now knowing that he has someone else in his arms & his bed.

And I so badly want to warn her about his behaviours. He said enough to me about one of his past relationships that I know that its his pattern, not just my influence. But what woman would believe the crazy ex? Especially if he's still in that love bombing stage where everything feels so magical.

I just need to find a way to stop my heart aching for him while my brain knows he's a piece of turd. I've been to therapy and was told to "just stop. You have to just stop" but its just not that easy.

Instead I spend a lpt of time feeling desperately sad & lonely.