u/Lace__

For context I'm mid 40sF & my husband is mid 50sM, I've been with my husband for 20+yrs & we have 4 children. I was previously in an sexually/physically/emotionally/financially abusive relationship for 4yrs (17-21) and my father was emotionally/financially abusive to my mother though they separated on the advice of my father's psychiatrist when I was 9yo. I have Complex PTSD amongst other MH & physical health issues.

My husband has always been 'particular' about things/environment/home and very pedantic about words used (e.g. when we met I used a slang word for woodlice and he took the piss out of me until I stopped - it was a word my mum used & is specific to an very small area where she grew up but I'd grown up using it & it was sentimental to me). He has told a family support worker he'd divorce me if I didn't stop talking about the news, as he doesn't agree with having an emotional response to world events you cannot control (e.g. I wasn't allowed to get upset over Roe v Wade being overturned as I'm not American and it doesn't affect me personally), but it also really applies to events in our own country as what can I do about it so no need to get outraged/hurt/have sympathy for a situation/person.

If I bring up an issue, it's always spun back on me and I'm/my feelings/my response to the issue is actually at fault, not him. For context his father was a controlling person, everything had to be just so & he took delight in causing pain, so my husband's worst fear is that he could be like his father.

Unfortunately this means any criticism or issue is vehemently denied because otherwise he might be like his father and he cannot cope with that. So the more he tries to distance himself from his father, the closer he is to becoming him.

My husband has recently got an Autism diagnosis after years of wondering if he has it or was just socially inept (his words) and the control seems to have ramped up as now his need to control over our home environment/me now has legitimacy. If I raise anything, I'm dismissed as not understanding as I'm the only one in the house who's NT (all children are diagnosed/waiting for ASC diagnosis) so what I want or need is not to be accommodated.

I actually had to quit my job (after being home for 15y with the children) because due to my health issues, if I wasn't able to go to work I needed him to call in for me (I'd be unconscious & unable to for several hours) and he just suddenly refused to do so after I'd been there 4ys. This meant my work were giving me written warnings for not calling in, when previously he'd called for me, he stopped and only told me after a few times of my work querying why he hadn't called. I quit as I didn't want to have been fired over my health issues. I haven't been able to get another job since so I'm entirely dependent on him.

I don't know if I can leave him as he relies on me for so much, he has no friends, I do all of the emotional labour at home (all birthday/Christmas stuff, accompanying children/him to appts, maintaining contact with his sibling, etc, etc) and as I've been in a truly horrifically abusive relationship, it feels like its not bad enough to blow up everyone's lives over. I'm just becoming smaller and smaller in an attempt to fit into the acceptable box he needs to me to. I dream of living.

Sorry for the essay but I don't know how to condense this without missing context/information.