We buried the sac today
TW: Living child. My 7th euploid FET, after 3 months of empiric lupron, resulted in a blighted ovum. This is my 3rd blighted ovum. First was from a natural missed miscarriage, we opted for D&C. The second was from my second euploid FET. We opted to pass it at home and send for testing, which came back as normal and didn’t give us the closure we had hoped for. This time, we opted to pass it at home and bury it next to my MIL’s grave at the cemetery.
We decided to stop meds at 7 weeks, and the sac passed shortly after. The physical distress was nothing compared to the mental pain from the loss. We knew the gender, the grade and everything, including the mitoscore, of the embryo. I kept the sac frozen while waiting for the small jewelry box I purchased for it to arrive from an online order. When it finally arrived, I realized it was too tiny for the sac and ordered a bigger jewelry box. Days dragged into weeks and, when it was Mother’s Day, we decided to wait another weekend. Then it was a month from the miscarriage, I spotted for an entire month while the clinic monitored as the HCG dropped, and my period started.
Today, we put the frozen sac inside the beautiful gold jewelry box to the cemetery, and buried it between where my MIL was buried and an empty plot that we own where my FIL would be laid to rest. We brought them flowers. Yellow tulips and an assortment of other flowers, purple and pink lilies. My husband and I each took a yellow tulip and placed it over where we buried the sac. We took pictures to remember this day.
When we returned home, we napped. My husband in the upstairs bedroom, snored away as if it was a just another day. I lie down on the downstairs couch, turn on a wind down soundscape to drown out my sadness. I closed my eyes, and see myself driving down this IVF road for 6 years, I’m driving endlessly on this road without a clear direction or destination. Then I start sobbing.
I have DOR, it took 6 retrievals, 4 euploid FETs to have my living child, now I’m down 3 more trying for a second. Before this 7th FET, I did everything I was suppose to do. Hysteroscopy, HSG, EMB, Receptiva, EndomeTRIO. Everything came back normal.
At least I have a living child, at least I still have euploids, at least I can try again, or not, and consider moving to a gestational carrier.