u/LambSawse

So, it may be an important point to mention that I am a cis man. I want to know how to better recognize harassment and when intervening is warranted. I've got two stories that should help illustrate my difficulties with getting to grips with this:

A little while ago, there was an incident quite late at a work party after most had gone home. About 4 others and myself remained, and we were all fairly drunk. I was on karaoke busting out some songs when I look over and see a male colleague grabbing a female colleague and pulling her face close to his. From my perspective, it didn't look like she was open to it because she was resisting, so I felt like I had to draw everyone's attention to it. I started yelling/singing to the tune of the song: "Woah what's [guy's name] doing over here! Should I call the police, doesn't seem consensual". My female colleague then started shouting at me for being weird, saying they were playing and that I was making the party awkward. Needless to say, I was a bit confused.

Fast forward to fairly recently. I went on holiday to Gothenberg in Sweden. Late on night, around 11:30 or so, I was on the tram (not busy but not empty) when a big guy got on, obviously very inebriated. He stands in front of a woman who was near me and comes onto her very strongly, saying something to the effect of "How have I been so lucky in my life to find the most beautiful woman", "you are everything I need tonight princess", etc. He then proceeded to sit opposite her and ask her questions about where she's from, her name, etc. She looked at me a few times as if to say "is this guy for real?" and he was also look at me with a beaming drunk smile, I think because he was proud of himself being 'suave'. I remembered the earlier moment at the staff party, and thought "Is this harassment or is this how people flirt? Would I be ruining a moment they might be having if I stepped in? If they are, then might it look like I'm jealous of this guy?" In the end, I left the tram without saying anything. Bear in mind, I was in a foreign country and don't know the flirting culture, and also that I have no idea how to flirt even in the UK.

Before the work party, I wouldn't have thought twice about pretending to know her so as to intervene without escalating the drunk man, but sincs then I haven't been so sure when to intervene. I don't want to ruin people's moments, and I don't want to appear as if I'm intervening out of stupidity for not reading the room right or jealousy, but I feel like that's how it might come across. If it harassment were more explicit, it would make it easier to detect, but unfortunately it isn't.

What should I have done in both scenarios? In general, what are the signs that I should step in and intervene?

So, it may be an important point to mention that I am a cis man. I want to know how to better recognize harassment and when intervening is warranted. I've got two stories that should help illustrate my difficulties with getting to grips with this:

A little while ago, there was an incident quite late at a work party after most had gone home. About 4 others and myself remained, and we were all fairly drunk. I was on karaoke busting out some songs when I look over and see a male colleague grabbing a female colleague and pulling her face close to his. From my perspective, it didn't look like she was open to it because she was resisting, so I felt like I had to draw everyone's attention to it. I started yelling/singing to the tune of the song: "Woah what's [guy's name] doing over here! Should I call the police, doesn't seem consensual". My female colleague then started shouting at me for being weird, saying they were playing and that I was making the party awkward. Needless to say, I was a bit confused.

Fast forward to fairly recently. I went on holiday to Gothenberg in Sweden. Late on night, around 11:30 or so, I was on the tram (not busy but not empty) when a big guy got on, obviously very inebriated. He stands in front of a woman who was near me and comes onto her very strongly, saying something to the effect of "How have I been so lucky in my life to find the most beautiful woman", "you are everything I need tonight princess", etc. He then proceeded to sit opposite her and ask her questions about where she's from, her name, etc. She looked at me a few times as if to say "is this guy for real?" and he was also look at me with a beaming drunk smile, I think because he was proud of himself being 'suave'. I remembered the earlier moment at the staff party, and thought "Is this harassment or is this how people flirt? Would I be ruining a moment they might be having if I stepped in? If they are, then might it look like I'm jealous of this guy?" In the end, I left the tram without saying anything. Bear in mind, I was in a foreign country and don't know the flirting culture, and also that I have no idea how to flirt even in the UK.

Before the work party, I wouldn't have thought twice about pretending to know her so as to intervene without escalating the drunk man, but sincs then I haven't been so sure when to intervene. I don't want to ruin people's moments, and I don't want to appear as if I'm intervening out of stupidity for not reading the room right or jealousy, but I feel like that's how it might come across. If it harassment were more explicit, it would make it easier to detect, but unfortunately it isn't.

What should I have done in both scenarios? In general, what are the signs that I should step in and intervene?