AITA for wanting for confront my (now) ex wife and coworker over cheating?
I, 40M had been married to my (now) ex-wife 39F, let’s call her “Jen”, for over 20 years and I found out she had been cheating on me with a coworker.
Background: We met as teenagers working at a grocery store and eventually got married. We have no kids, 2 dogs and a home. We both went to school, but she went for a masters so I moved around with her, taking jobs in different cities, not staying long enough to get a good job myself. I’m an outgoing people person and she’s an introverted person who holds a grudge against everyone that she feels “wronged” her, and she’s never had a friend since middle school (this will make sense later).
2006 to 2017 - we’ve moved almost every other year at this point - she has found a job she really likes that pays well, great benefits and whatnot. I’ve worked different places, making friends anywhere I go. We decide this is the final landing spot for us. She starts work, loves it for 6 months, then a coworker has a bad day after a traumatic event at home and Jen decides that she doesn’t want to work there anymore because this person was upset. She asks and (because she kept crying) asks for summers off so she can feel nature again and wants to be in a constant school setting.
Fast forward to the Pandemic - we had very rarely fought but she was feeling the pandemic was draining her mental health but we bought a home in a nicer neighbourhood and she was feeling better - I had been bouncing between jobs and felt stuck at a retail position that paid well (manager salary) because of the really good benefits and the security of it during this time. She had started to gain some weight and felt like it was taking a toll on her day to day and said it was the people at her office that made her eat (I know them and they’re incredibly nice people, even asking her to events and to make presents and that for her). We still have a good relationship at this point.
2022 - I get a job at the same place she’s at for work that I really wanted to do. It’s as close to as a dream job as anyone could ask for. My pay doubles and I have far less stress on a day to day basis. 2 years go by and we both get approved for a 1 time, 6 month work transfer to the other side of the country, all the boarding, food, transportation was provided and made extra each day for being a transfer. We were stoked but I had to stay back to watch the dogs (no one would take them, apartment can’t take dogs temporary location, no family to ask either). She begged to go so she can feel the nature and enjoy her time in the scenic west coast. I reluctantly agreed but I loved her more than anything and wanted her to be happy. We visited each other for a few days each month and she was doing much better, even making a friend who I met and was wonderful.
2025 - she applies for and gets a transfer promotion to a city that’s 2+ hours away - the company agrees to transfer me to the same city but different work location. We move in the fall of 2025 and have our first really big fight - she’s upset because I needed some time before continuing to clean because I was feeling sick, even though I had been doing the whole house clean/purge for months by myself. She left to go see her parents 3 hours away and spent the night. She came back, apologized and I asked if she wanted to still be together - she said yes and had no issues for a while.
We moved to a home we called our “retirement home” and I put all my savings into it, making upgrades to everything she wanted done. When we got settled, she spent the following 7 months sitting, watching TV and not wanting to do anything. From there she started accruing a significant amount of debt, even asking me for a loan (she makes more than 2x I do) even though I pay all the bills outside of the mortgage (50-50 split on what we pay for everything). Red flags started popping up when she started hiding her phone, and wanted to be left alone. She had been seeing our coworker - I found out after he texted her something spicy and confront her about it. She said she’s doing it because she’s liking the attention. We talked about it and she said she will stop - even taking time off work to not see them. Then she went back and I found out from her sister that she was really into him, continuing it. I confronted her again and she said she wanted a separation because she wanted to sleep with him, then explained he’s “happily” married with kids and didn’t want to continue with her only to find out they had a “brief” sexual encounter. He then called it off but she’s still pushing him to leave his family for her.
AITA for wanting to confront him about this?
Edited to clarify that it was a coworker she was seeing.