The most dramatic, 100% true law firm story
Buckle up, people.
I started my career in the mailroom of a boutique law firm with about 60 employees. One of the associates, who later became a partner, was known as “The Assistant Killer.” No one could live up to his expectations.
I was best friends with a woman (let’s call her Jane) who was assigned to be The Assistant Killer’s assistant and shortly thereafter she went off the deep end. She started drinking Four Locos in the bathroom at the office, showing up high, losing touch with reality. Witnessing her downward spiral was, in all seriousness, traumatic.
Anyway, one day Jane came into the office drunk and high and started yelling at her boss about wanting a raise. Jane’s boss told her to go home and get her shit together (not in those words). Then Jane’s boss asked me to go outside and check on her because they knew Jane and I were BFFs. So I went outside and found Jane crying and ranting. Then, Jane pulled a chef’s knife out of her bag and said she was going to “merk everyone in the office.” I said “merk?” and she said “it means kill.” And then she said “I’m going to merk [The Assistant Killer] and turn him into a birdbath.”
Now, Jane had previously told me she was going to turn The Assistant Killer (and various other people) into a birdbath, but it’s such a ridiculous statement that I never even considered it a legitimate threat. But there she was, standing in front of me with a giant knife, saying delusional things, and I was like, “Oh my god, she might be serious.”
So, Jane left and I went back into the office and I was SHOOK. I had to report the threats directed towards the staff and, in particular, The Assistant Killer.
And, oh man, did shit hit the fan. Police were involved, we had an impromptu, mandatory firm-wide meeting where everyone was told what to do if they saw Jane or if Jane tried to contact them. I was advised that I shouldn’t go home because Jane knew where I lived. It was insane.
Fast forward, I was promoted to legal assistant and assigned to support The Assistant Killer. But by that point, I had (potentially) saved The Assistant Killer’s life so he and I got along quite well.
The end.