u/Lazy_Thanks_7863

I've been practicing emotional alchemy but always stay stuck in the nigredo phase. Especially around shame, anger etc. It makes me feel weak and dirty. Especially as a former scapegoat. I think the root of this problem is im terrified of being unworthy. And failing confirms that feeling for me.

The problem is i know all of this, i can name it all. But when it comes to integrating i'm stuck. I managed to let someone embarass me without reacting or defending, cause i knew i would only defend myself to validate that i am worthy.

But now at home i spiral constantly over the embarassment, obsessively research revenge etc. I'm tired. I wanna step out of this.

What truly helped you with integration during alchemy?

My ex did me so dirty. He left me out of the blue, i needed medicine and therapy for months. Healing took me years and years.

But he kept still reaching out to me and we became friends with benefits. I feel it was a good type of revenge cause i was finally detached from him and could use him whenever i wanted. But 2 years ago i realized i might still like him. I send him a message confessing and he told me he was dating someone new. And that they might think about poly in the future. I promised myself i would stop dealing with him if he found someone serious.

A year ago i get a message on social media from that girl? Asking me if he is cheating on her with me. This girl is like overly nice? Saying she means no harm etc and basically pouring her heart out about how she lost a baby and she thinks he's cheating on her and that she wants to get back at him. But the loss of the baby is really standing in her way emotionally from leaving and doing what she wants to do.

I tell her some things at first, how indeed he is narcissistic and a user etc and how long it took me to get over him. I tell her to trust her intuition (my biggest mistake) and to choose herself. I didnt tell her about the medicine and therapy etc etc. She asks if i still wanna keep seeing him and when was the last time i saw him. I lie and tell her i dont wanna keep seeing him. What she didnt know is that i was on the phone with him all along. Feeding him all the information she was giving me. She was going OFF so i really thought i had her.

The next day he rewards me for my good behavior, if you know you know.

2 weeks later she messages me being smug. Saying thanks for asking about me but were doing good now. This was my moment. I cuss her out and drop the bomb on her, how he was with me the next day. That i dont care to know about her anymore. I send her a memo telling her how pathetic she is for staying, how dumb she is for being used like that etc etc. She goes off again and i even hear in a memo how she throws him out.

Then my phone rings. Its him. Telling me he's sorry this happened and i tell him dont worry i handled her but this is your fault. I ask him what all that b*tch said about me. And she answers? She hasnt learned yet clearly so i give her a run for her money again.

I told her she's a narcissist, she's undignified, that all i told her was her truth she needed to hear ages ago since she thinks she's a queen. She is dumbfounded by how i fooled her, or i thought. She keeps saying i'm projecting, that she's sparing me and she is screaming how i'm a fan cause no one says she's a queen but me. She even says i should know she has a major in psychology so she knows what im doing right now. She's not a narcissist.

And then she says ''you can say all you want about my life with him, i know exactly in what spot i am, but lets not sweep under the rug how he dumped you, you went crazy, needed medicine cause you were standing on a roof ready to jump down and now youre a looney bin turned dumping ground''. She told me i have no right to speak about dignity, cause im still jumping on it. Im not as detached as i think nor did i play anyone but myself. I tell her i needed medicine yes, but i have daddy issues. She says and maybe i do too? I tell her youre a narcissist and she says oh and he isnt? I say no he only has tendencies.

I ignore her and tell him see what types you went for now. Thankgod im gone from this. She says ''youre still jumping on it, youre still deeper in it then ive ever been''.

Guys, pls help? I was sticking up for him not knowing she had this much info about me. And in all of this he just kept quiet. He did tell her once ''what you say is not true'' but what she said is true.. So what now? I just went online and started posting things about how she's a narcissist and she reacted under it see how youre projecting again. I told you i have a major in psychology, youre predictable to me.

What now? Do i apologize to her? Did i blame the wrong person? I dont know

My ex did me so dirty. He left me out of the blue, i needed medicine and therapy for months. Healing took me years and years.

But he kept still reaching out to me and we became friends with benefits. I feel it was a good type of revenge cause i was finally detached from him and could use him whenever i wanted. But 2 years ago i realized i might still like him. I send him a message confessing and he told me he was dating someone new. And that they might think about poly in the future. I promised myself i would stop dealing with him if he found someone serious.

A year ago i get a message on social media from that girl? Asking me if he is cheating on her with me. This girl is like overly nice? Saying she means no harm etc and basically pouring her heart out about how she lost a baby and she thinks he's cheating on her and that she wants to get back at him. But the loss of the baby is really standing in her way emotionally from leaving and doing what she wants to do.

I tell her some things at first, how indeed he is narcissistic and a user etc and how long it took me to get over him. I tell her to trust her intuition (my biggest mistake) and to choose herself. I didnt tell her about the medicine and therapy etc etc. She asks if i still wanna keep seeing him and when was the last time i saw him. I lie and tell her i dont wanna keep seeing him. What she didnt know is that i was on the phone with him all along. Feeding him all the information she was giving me. She was going OFF so i really thought i had her.

The next day he rewards me for my good behavior, if you know you know.

2 weeks later she messages me being smug. Saying thanks for asking about me but were doing good now. This was my moment. I cuss her out and drop the bomb on her, how he was with me the next day. That i dont care to know about her anymore. I send her a memo telling her how pathetic she is for staying, how dumb she is for being used like that etc etc. She goes off again and i even hear in a memo how she throws him out.

Then my phone rings. Its him. Telling me he's sorry this happened and i tell him dont worry i handled her but this is your fault. I ask him what all that b*tch said about me. And she answers? She hasnt learned yet clearly so i give her a run for her money again.

I told her she's a narcissist, she's undignified, that all i told her was her truth she needed to hear ages ago since she thinks she's a queen. She is dumbfounded by how i fooled her, or i thought. She keeps saying i'm projecting, that she's sparing me and she is screaming how i'm a fan cause no one says she's a queen but me. She even says i should know she has a major in psychology so she knows what im doing right now. She's not a narcissist.

And then she says ''you can say all you want about my life with him, i know exactly in what spot i am, but lets not sweep under the rug how he dumped you, you went crazy, needed medicine cause you were standing on a roof ready to jump down and now youre a looney bin turned dumping ground''. She told me i have no right to speak about dignity, cause im still jumping on it. Im not as detached as i think nor did i play anyone but myself. I tell her i needed medicine yes, but i have daddy issues. She says and maybe i do too? I tell her youre a narcissist and she says oh and he isnt? I say no he only has tendencies.

I ignore her and tell him see what types you went for now. Thankgod im gone from this. She says ''youre still jumping on it, youre still deeper in it then ive ever been''.

Guys, pls help? How do i get my revenge? I was sticking up for him not knowing she had this much info about me. And in all of this he just kept quiet. He did tell her once ''what you say is not true'' but what she said is true.. So what now? I just went online and started posting things about how she's a narcissist and she reacted under it see how youre projecting again. I told you i have a major in psychology, youre predictable to me.

What now?