u/Leather_Cat220

I’m 391 days sober. I have a very overactive mind that I just cannot shut off. I analyze and spiral and try to figure everything out as if I’m doing a damn psych research paper.

I’m really passionate about and obsessed with addiction, recovery, the spiritual malady, the family disease aspect, the neuroscience, how emotional and childhood trauma relates to addiction and recovery, the physical healing of the brain and PAWS, etc. I’m also obsessed with doing AA perfectly which results in a lot of pressure, expectations of relief and resistance when I don’t get the relief. (Resistance of thoughts)

part of me feels grateful to have the intellect and passion that I hope translates to a career someday, but I’m just so tired of fucking thinking. I go through periods of happy, joyous and free, then get stuck in ego and obsessive thinking for weeks at a time. It quickly turns into depression and anxiety and I become so emotionally and physically exhausted. I just want to feel better and feel like I should be over this “pendulum” swing by now.

My sponsor always tells me it’s normal to go through these swings but I don’t feel like anyone else talks about it or relates? I feel like a burden sometimes to my sponsor and other AA’s but I think that’s just my ego trying to isolate - but part of it is because most of my friends in AA don’t seem to relate to this level of thinking. Most of their stuff seems to come from outside circumstances - jobs, family, relationships. But nothing is wrong in my life and I’m much more able to accept real world issues over the war of my mind. I’m starting to feel isolated again. I think it may be my ego and disease telling me these things aren’t working. I have the awareness that these are my thoughts and feelings happening and that they aren’t real.

sometimes I think I trust my thoughts more than God. Im constantly surrendering and praying but the grip of my mind comes back right away.

I’m also aware that this is the first time in my life I’m having to deal with my thoughts and emotions raw without the help of a substance to escape - and it takes time. But that logic isn’t seeming to bring me much peace.

I feel I might be starting to grow out of my home group. At first I found everything I needed and was seeking in AA to much relief, but I am starting to think there are other things “wrong” with me or that I need more/a different perspective. I’m 32 and most of my home group is older people in their 50s. I really relate to them. Or at least did. I’ve been told many times even by old timers that I have an old soul and wisdom beyond my years so maybe that’s why I clicked. But I’m starting to feel I may need some connection with folks in their mid-20s to mid-30s. I’m unmarried without kids so my life is very different from these people.

I also have a hard time thinking for myself and just do whatever everyone tells me and their advice can tend to be a bit dogmatic and not related to the book. And I get a lot of mixed opinions and advice from different people in my group and it confuses me. I’m learning to be my own person and make my own decisions but it’s hard when I’ve been codependent my whole life. I was a functioning alcoholic who did not run though anyone’s life or caused major harm. I hav plenty to me accountable for and did step 4 and 9 no problem, but my biggest issue is the way I treat myself and that’s not touched on much here. I feel burdened and pressured when this program is meant to bring peace, not punishment. I know it’s of my own doing because I truly owe my life to AA and it’s done wonders for me. I just get in these damn ruts and I’m wanting someone to tell me it’ll go away overtime. Or at least not affect me how it is now.

I’m a spiritual seeker and always have been. Long before AA. Which is why I was immediately relieved and excited when I discovered that this is a spiritual program. I had a lot of self awareness as well before I came in. Sometimes I compare myself to other alcoholics and their journies and I know I can’t do that because I didn’t experience everything they did or cause the harm they caused.

I also have a 134 IQ (not saying this to brag but to bring perspective). I’ve heard the smarter a person is, the harder it is to surrender the mind and it can be harder to recover because of it. My sponsor always tells me “congratulations, you’re smart. It doesn’t matter” and I actually appreciate that because I’d trade any type of intelligence for ignorance and bliss any day. Sometimes I just want to pray that God make me dumb if it means I don’t have to deal with my own mind. 🤣

Im really just hoping there is at least one person out there who can relate to this and reassure me that it does get better over time. I’m doing all the work and everything I can do. I just have to let it ride out go and get through the uncomfortability of early sobriety.

I just hit 1 year on April 21st and I’ve felt so funky since then. I just feel like “oh okay, I hit a year now. What next?” I guess I was subconsciously working toward all those “chip” milestones and came to terms with the fact that this is my life now. I’m living sober, not just trying not to drink. I’m definitely neurotic x 100 and I can tell my brain and ego are trying tell me that I’m “different” because of my neurotic tendencies (emotional sensitivity, severe overanalysis, anxiety and depression). I came into A.A. on a spiritual and fully internal rock bottom. No external consequences to any crazy degree. Still had a job. Didn’t even drink everyday or have shakes. Didn’t go to rehab. A.A. has changed my life and I truly knew it was the answer and I had found my people. I work this program vigorously and dedicate my life to it. Have an amazing sponsor who is an interventionist, worked the steps and do 10-12 daily, do tons of service, prayer meditation, calls, fellowship, meetings 4x a week. I just have this fear that I’m going to go back to that deep place of depression and misery and suffering. I know it’s not true and that if I do “suffer” it will be of a much more muted severity and time span since I am recovering spiritually. I’m just caught in a loop of analyzing and fear and pressure to “do more” and be in a better place with all the work I’ve done. I know this is a design for living and I absolutely love it. I’m just feeling like I’m more neurotic than others and my sponsor calls me neurotic too. But deep down I know tons of other alcoholics are neurotic too and that it’s okay and this program will help with that. Obviously just in my head lately and it’ll pass. Still learning to deal and live with these thoughts an emotions raw and substance free. I’m really grateful and I know this will pass quickly as it always does in recovery now. I haven’t been depressed since starting step 9 (Amends). Just wanted to see if anyone else has these experiences, especially at year milestones.