u/Left-Interview-6934

I feel like randomly one day, almost like 2 years ago now, I feel into a deep depression that I never really got out of. I've struggled with mental health for a lot of my life, but I've always had more of like experiencing being really high for a awhile then randomly falling like really low, but everything was always really manageable.

But in like October of 2024, I fell into a deep depression and I haven't really gotten out of it since. I can't remeber if it was completely outa the blue or if something happened that caused it, but since then I've been like trapped in what feels like complete darkness.

I haven't told anyone about how bad its been. I've mentioned parts to some of my friends over the months, but everytime I tried to open up to someone it kinda got dismissed. So I stopped talking to anyone about how I've been feeling.

But I feel like whatever I've been feeling has taken over my life. I use to write all the time and was in the process of finishing a book, now I dont remember the last time I even tried to look at a piece of writing I did. I use to paint all the time, and now a corner of my room is filled with about 10 different canvases I've tried to start painting something on but given up on and now just sit in my room. I use to be able to read like 2-3 books a month and now its been months since I've been able to finish one book.

I've lost many of my friends and the few I have left I barely talk to. One of my closest friends cut me outa his life because of how distant I had become. Even my mom, who usually struggles to notice signs of depression, could tell something was wrong / had happened about a year ago.

I feel like i have to keep forcing myself to get outa bed and do everyday tasks. A few months ago I use to go days without showering because I didn't have the energy to after the day. I didn't laundry for several weeks at a time and wore dirty clothes constantly. I haven't done anything to hang out with any of my friends, and haven't seen a few of them in almost a year.

I feel a lot more short tempered and easily irritated and more on edge than I use to be. I've gone days without talking to anyone or responding to any because I feel to exhausted or sad to be around anyone.

Sometimes I get randomly bursts of happiness where I feel like fine and like my normal self for like 2-3 days but then I'll fall back down again soon after. It's gotten to a point where anytime I feel happy / not sad, I try to get as many things done or worked on as I can because I know I'll soon burn out and won't have any energy or motivation after a few days.

I've felt so alone since. I feel isolated from everything around me, even though thats my own doing. I wanna tell someone what's been going on in detail for so long. More than just telling someone "I've just been alittle sad/depressed/down/ or exhausted lately" anytime someone askes what's been going on with me.

I feel like im going to be stuck like this forever with no way out and that my old "happier" self is just gone.

I want to tell someone so bad, but im too terrified too.

I have a very unsupportive family (my mom is the only one who currently knows about my identity, I haven't directly told anyone else, but from previous comments and conversations i know how they all kinda feel about queer people in general) and right now im ment to be going away to college in August. My family is very worried about cost, but im paying all of it by myself (plan to). My family wasn't really fully aware of how much college costs before I started to get estimates back from places I was accepted to. I was and have been aware of cost, but my family has kinda started to freak out over it.

My current plan has kinda been to finish my bachelor's, go to Law school, hopefully pay off all my debt around my 30s and be able to go no contact with my family in order to safely transition, without their knowledge or input and just get to have my own life separate from them.

But apparently my grandpa (who was retired) just got a part time job to try to help pay for my college tution (not exactly sure if thats the only reason why, but thats what my mom has told me).

Although i would be greatful if he did want to pay for some of my tution, I really dont want him, or anyone else in my family to pay for my tution because then I feel like I can't transition because it would feel wrong to go no contact / cut them outa my life (i know thats kinda the only way i could transition because from previous conversations with my mom its basically been said in "nicer ways" the family would disown me if i chose to), since they put so much into my education. I feel like I would feel indebted to them in some way, even if I pay them back.

No one else in my family has been to college, and I am likely to be the first and only in my immediate family (none of my siblings have interest in attending college), so I feel like if I go and they pay for (even just some) of my tution I'll made to feel guilty for it the rest of my life and never be able to get away from my family and start my own life. My grandpa did a similar thing to my mom with our house (he payed part of the mortgage for awhile, because my mom couldn't afford to) and even years later he still brings it up in order to get my mom to do stuff for him and help him.

Im hoping im able to reject the money if he tries to offer any and my parents dont make me take it. I really just wanna take out loans and be able to pay them back to some random company and not be indebted to my family. The tution im paying is not extremely expensive so I wouldn't be trapped in debt forever (im going in as a second semster sophomore cause of duel enrollment and AP classes, and I got a large scholarship, just not enough to cover the whole thing without having to take out some loans).

I really just wanna be able to get my education, pay off my loans, become financially independent, and move away from my family, and I dont wanna worry about being guilt tripped by them till the day they all die.