u/Left_Eye9481

I'm 30F, I generally prefer "queer" but bi and pan are also fine. I identified as a lesbian for about 7 years before catching feelings for a guy, to my absolute shock and everyone else's. Growing up all of my crushes were girls, and when I initially came out as a lesbian, no one was surprised. My first love was a woman, and all of my serious relationships so far have been with other women as well.

Anyway, I've found that I can be deeply, head-over-heels in love with men, just like I can with women and most nonbinary people, but I don't seem to have the same sexual attraction towards men. I'm not sex repulsed by men, but I'm definitely more ambivalent about it. I recently had a male fwb because I enjoyed his company and liked kissing and cuddling, but the sex was really more for him and I wouldn't have cared if we didn't hook up. This was despite the fact that he was VERY thoughtful of my pleasure during sex, and is conventionally attractive. Before him I met the only man I've truly been in love with, and it was the same - I thought he was beautiful, in an aesthetic sense, the way that art is beautiful. And I had so much love and admiration for him as a person. But if he had wanted to have a sexless relationship, that would have been fine. He was also queer and when we did hook up, we didn't really center PIV sex, which I did prefer, but for me it was really just a desire to be skin to skin and cuddle.

With women it's....different. I could never keep my hands off of my girlfriends, and was the embarrassing PDA couple in one too many social events. I had a sapphic "fuckboy" phase where I was going to the clubs and bringing home different women every other weekend. That part of me has definitely cooled down now, but my drunk alter-ego is notorious for making out with women at bars.

The thing that's funny is my sex drive seems to change with which gender I have feelings for. If I'm with a woman, I'm horny all the time. If I'm with a man, I'm just as much of a doe-eyed idiot but my sex drive goes down a lot.

I'd love to hear from others who have kind of wonky orientations, and how you're navigating that sexually/romantically.

When I was in a long-term relationship we really didn't go out much at all. We could afford to rent a small house with a yard, had a dog, and her family lived nearby and would visit pretty often. I was still in grad school, so I had built-in social time there too.

Now I'm single, living alone, and working from home. No pets currently. I do really like my apartment, but it's small and I get claustrophobic and antsy. I end up going out to bars probably more than I otherwise would because (1) I need human interaction, (2) it's a viable way to meet a romantic partner or friends, and (3) that's what's open by the end of the workday. Then there are the actual dates, speed-dating/social events, etc. etc. I've been tracking that spending for the past couple of months and sometimes I'm spending up to $400 on dates, friend hangs, drinks alone, Ubers, working at coffee shops, etc. I'm trying not to think of it as a loneliness tax, but that's kind of how it feels.

Anyway. I'm just really curious how much others are spending on going out a month, and free/low-cost alternatives to going out. The best thing I've found so far is figure drawing sessions at one of the local art museums; it's $50 for the annual membership but then access to the sessions and art galleries is free. Now that it's not getting dark so early I'll sometimes bring a library book to the park nearby too.