u/Legitimate-Article50

It says it right in the heading.

My dad is in his 80s and is dying. I have not seen or spoke to him for about 5 years. It’s a tale as old as time. Some good times with overwhelming emotional abuse and neglect by him and my mom. As an adult his attitude towards me and my kiddos were piss poor. I do well for myself inspire of his treatment of me and he’d constantly shit talk me to my aunt and remained on good terms with my abusive ex husband.

A few days ago I got word from my aunt my dad was in the hospital for sepsis. In spite of good treatment he has continued to decline and may require surgery. Add to this additional drama surrounding my estranged sister getting a DUI and leading the cops on a high speed chase with my 7 year old nephew in the car.

I am surprised at the sorrow I feel at the prospect of my dad dying. I have the strong urge to say good bye but I only know I’m grieving the dad I wished he was and not the man who treated me badly. Who wished for my downfall and talked bad about me to anyone who would listen.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Today my psychologist confirmed AuADHD diagnosis. It’s not a shock because I have suspected for about a year. I’m 46 and in perimenopause so of course my brain is a mess. My coping/masking skills are gone.

I think the part I am grieving right now is I’m realizing how many people I am “friends” with aren’t really my friends. I train Brazilian Jiujitsu and I counted the women in my ladies class as friends. I’ve had the impression they just tolerate me. I could see it in their body language and lack of engagement in conversation. In the group chat for the class no one responds to my messages. In other words my awkwardness or personality is not for them. (I don’t know how else to say it, I know I’m quirky)

I think it’s also freeing. I like my brain. I like how it works, my insane pattern recognition, my acute sense of smell, in how much I love to learn about new subjects. I’m a kind and loyal person. I genuinely love people and being a helper.

I can’t change everything about myself to suit others. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted trying to figure out how to make them like me. I’m done. I think this is the trigger to stop people pleasing. To stop twisting myself in knots.