Racism ocd
So the guilt is eating me up so I've decided to just spill here. Ik the direct source of what's causing this and it's because back in 2024 I met this toxic person that ended up pressuring me to say some things. I'm not gonna explain the whole situation just this specific part that happened which is the cause of my spiral.
So there was one point where she asked me if I said slurs, I said yes and her & her friend said "yay she's racist like us" but I went onto say "only ones I can say" and they both booed me for it.
I was weirded out but I thought they might've been just joking. Her friend was then like texting me not like the actual slur (n word)but like alluring to it I don't exactly remember cus it was on steam and after awhile it deletes messages.
Then later on we were playing a game she dropped the hard R and I was shocked and I don't remember what I said in response but another friend of hers also said it to like I guess show they're all comfortable doing that.
I was really confused because there was one point where some other person ended up saying the N word and they got kicked and we all made fun of them for being racist but then these people went on to do the same thing???
So I ended up saying it and other slurs they told me to so they'd stop.
What's getting me though the most is that I didn't just leave once they said all of that I stayed til the very end because I didn't want to be alone but I feel like that's a stupid reason it would be better to be alone than with these people.
Her excuse was pretty dumb too. She believed she wasn't an ACTUAL racist and that it was all just jokes. She was telling me how she knew an actual racist and I told her "You know most people consider saying the n word actual racism"
She also talked about how she had a black friend and wouldn't say it in front of them which well if you can't say it in front of them then that probably means you shouldn't say it at all??
Anyways I would join in on the jokes they made because I wanted to fit in. I was fine making racial jokes towards my own ppl, I'm fine with dark humor as long as it doesn't cross a line and they were crossing many lines. But I ended up making jokes that were bad to get them to laugh.
I wish I just left the moment she said that because I instantly regretted befriending her but I also just didn't want to be alone so I stayed even after she revealed herself to be a bad person.
Now I'm in a spiral about this particular part of it, I moved on from everything else but now I get scared that I'm racist.