My partner and I have been together for just over a year, and she has been struggling with her mental health for roughly 5 months now. Specifically body image and self esteem. A few years ago she used to be very overweight, and worked really hard to get healthy, and at a weight she was happy with. Since we’ve started dating she has gained some weight, and is having a really tough time dealing with it. We have a very supportive, loving and fun relationship, and we truly are each other’s best friend.
At first it only affected our sex life. Which didn’t really bother me. She communicated how she was feeling, and I told her to not stress about it and to let me know if there is something I can do to help her. She has always stated that it has nothing to do with me or her attraction to me, but rather how she views herself. Fast forward to now, and we rarely kiss, make out, or anything sexual. I brought up how I understand the lack of desire and sex drive, but it makes me feel not wanted when I regularly get dismissed when I try to kiss her. It has gotten to the point to where if we do make out I almost have to relearn how to kiss her. I’ve tried to take a step back and let her initiate any kissing, so there isn’t any pressure. We will go days without kissing, or more than one or two pecks a day, and it has started to make my head spin a bit.
Her mental health is now affecting more than our intimacy, and has began affecting her daily habits and shared responsibilities of our apartment. For context, I work full-time as a business analyst (working from home), and I’m in grad school. I’m also apart of the development team in my role, and I have to travel to help train or open new locations. We have a 2bed 2bath apartment with two cats. The only chore she is responsible for is laundry. I enjoy cleaning and routinely do the dishes, dusting, vacuuming, moping, bathrooms, litter, and we share the trash. I take pride in our apartment, and don’t mind taking the bulk of the chores. Since I work from home, I usually keep the laundry running and keep the dirty laundry to a minimum. She is having a hard time just keeping up with folding and putting the laundry away. I try not to let it bother me, and suggest ideas such as a “folding party”, where we pick a show or movie, make a snack and both fold the laundry. This tends to work, but then she begins to feel bad because I’m helping her with what she says is her “only” chore.
A large factor in her mental health has been her long, heavy and painful periods. Over the last few months her cycles have been sometimes double the average length. She’ll be bleeding for 7-10 days with intense cramps that are hard to manage. I’ve been trying to be as supportive as possible, by making her meals with extra iron, babying her and covering her slack. One thing that has been very helpful is, sharing her cycle tracking. Daily, she adds her symptoms, mood, and sex drive. The app also has tips and guidance on what can help her.
Due to her unfortunate cycles, she has no desire to do anything active. We started a routine of going to the gym, but that stopped once I started my semester. We live right along a walking/bike path and I try to suggest short walks or bike rides. I got her comfy and nice walking/hiking shoes and tuned up her bike. I offer things like picnics along with the bike rides or walks, and nothing is really working. I feel like I’m trying so hard, and nothing is working to help her out and I feel stuck. I’m very outdoorsy, and enjoy anything active outdoors. I tend to stay with her and support her, and compromise my own enjoyment of those activities.
Since we’ve started dating I feel like I’ve found the one, and we’ve been very open about our future and how much we appreciate and love each other. I get her flowers every month, always compliment her as a person, and her looks. I check in multiple times a day, and reassure her that it’s okay to lean on me during this time, and that partners are going to need the other person more during different times in their life.
(Additional context): We both have pretty severe ADHD, and are both on stimulants. She is also on the autism spectrum, but very high functioning and mild.
Sorry for the long post, as I wanted to add as much context as possible. I just feel like I’m out of options and don’t know where to turn. I was thinking that she needs to go get a detailed physical, and go to a therapist. Those options are expensive and I’ve tried everything I can think of outside of them. Any advice on how I can better help, or be there for her? Or where we should go from here?